[ATJC]

I don't know when, where or how it started, but it's been something I've struggled with for a while now. First known example where I really noticed it was during a role play I owned back in 2006 where I met these people who I thought were really good at what they did. Normally they excelled at fighting, whether it was with firearms, swords or some other kind of tactic. Fights between them were always so clever and provided entertaining reads. Naturally, I wanted to be like that. So much that I forgot to just be me.

They kicked my *** more than not, and all attempts to one up them usually blew up in my face. I got so used to losing I didn't even know that I was slowly improving until I started fighting the same way with other people on different forums and was told to tone it down and even got accused of god-modding a couple times. Suddenly I was overwhelming people and didn't know what to think. Even the people who kicked my *** all the time were starting to praise me and give me credit. It felt good when I believed any of the things they were saying. Basically, when I be myself and stick to what I know and am good at I'm great, when I steer from that and try to be better I fall flat on my face and my self-esteem takes a nosedive.

But this isn't just a forum exclusive thing, as much as I wish it was. In person I'm shy, not as talkative as I once was and afraid to do things because when I do I get told I'm doing it wrong. I'm afraid to be honest about my opinion on things, from important stuff like politics and religion to the not so important stuff like whether I liked that show that's on TV or not. I don't like confrontation, I don't like upsetting people or offending anyone. That's something that follows me around whether I'm online or not and now I'm not certain how much of this is self esteem or if there are other things contributing to this. But there are things I think and believe that even my own family or close friends I grew up with don't know about me.

I don't think a man is defined by his penis anymore than a woman is defined by her uterus. I support Gay Marriage. I'm Pro Choice. I voted for Obama in the last election and I don't believe any of the BS that the Republicans have said about him. I support Occupy Wall Street. I don't think sexuality can be defined simply by who you sleep with. I don't think Christians are being attacked as much as people are saying, I think women are getting more beef than they are. I think Zimmerman should have been found guilty. I like Doctor Who (okay, that isn't a secret to anyone I just like saying it). I don't like being competitive I think it's stupid and brings out the worst in people. I liked Iron Man 3 and Man of Steel too. Hell, most of the movies people said suck this year I thought was good. I thought Firefly was boring as hell. I actually enjoyed the two episodes of My Little Pony that I sat down to watch. I'm more comfortable around females than I am of males. I'm a virgin and I'm neither proud of it nor ashamed of it and nobody else should. I think a trangendered person should be allowed to use the public bathroom of the gender they personally identify with. No I'm not good at descriptions and I may never be. I know how to tell a story I've been writing for as long as I've been able to hold a pencil! And right now I feel like I'm everything Whoopie accused Winona of being when she was sitting in that tub in Girl Interrupted, except lacking the acting ability and the funky facial expressions.



Now that I have all of that out of my system, I'm not sure exactly what I want out of this thread. So I'm just going to post this, hope for some and hopefully feel better by the morrow. Thank you for taking the time to read my rant.

[Poppy Princess]

You seem pretty interesting to me!

I love Winona Ryder too.

[absentminded]

I identify with you. I've struggled with low-self esteem all my life and I still do. I've always been jealous of people who've done better than me. In secondary, I would be jealous of classmates who were achieving so much and in college, I felt intimidated by how opinionated and intelligent my classmates were. Anyway, enough about me, I shouldn't be writing about myself and I should be focused on you. I don't think you should be afraid to express your opinions. You're a good person, there's nothing wrong with what you think. If people are offended by your views, then you're better off without them. I can't give you a cure to low self-esteem as I'm struggling with that at the moment. If I can achieve happiness in my life, I might be able to give you an answer, but at the moment, nah.