[wiretwister]

Last fall I had an incident that shook my self esteem completely. All my self value was job based. I was my job and nothing else. In the space of one day my world collapsed. I went from confident and self assure to a complete basket case. After 11 months with meds and therapy I am beginning to recover. My problem is stress caused by loss of self confidence and self esteem... my question is has anyone else been afflicted by a single incident, has one event triggered your self esteem issues.? and if so how are you dealing with it.?

[Webgoji]

I'm a chemical engineer by education. I was once assigned a project to recycle materials into a reactor to increase the "weight" of what we were making. After doing the calculations on the pressure increase in the reactor I found that after running the recycle for approximately 6 months, the pressure would build to the point it would blow the rupture discs on the reactor. (Environmental release and possible injury to workers.) There was nothing I could do to stop it either, I couldn't get electrons to run down a wire fast enough to shut down the reactor.

Not to mention, it wasn't a nice and linear pressure increase. It would be massive, fast and relatively unpredictable.

Ergo, I would not allow them to do the project and required that the manager whose idea it was sign off on it.

His exact words were, "You just want me to put my name on this so when something happens I get blamed."

Key word ... when

I went on vacation for a few days after that and came back to find out I had lost my job because I shut down that project. It took me about 6 months to find another job because, as one interviewer said, "If you don't have a job now, there must be something wrong with you."

So now I work as a lab technician.

Due to my education and background I have a horrendous time finding a job these days and have to take whatever I can find. I'm too educated for most hourly jobs and can't get an engineering job because I stopped that project.

As far as dealing with the loss of self-esteem, my method wasn't a good one. I simply gave up hope. I'm pretty much miserable all the time. I can't do most of the things that used to make me feel good about myself for one reason or another (resentment for some being a big issue ... see my other thread). I exist day to day and take my pills.

[beloiseau]

I'm a nurse in an icu, so i work in a stressful environment. Every day is a struggle for me at work because of poor self-esteem. I finally feel confident or like I've made the right decision for my patient and something, no matter how small, takes be back to square one. It can be something a co-worker says, a grumpy doctor, a grumpy patient, my boss (who only points out negatives), or just missing something small and irrelevant. I've had one event knock my confidence out for months, but you just have to keep going. I'm taking my meds and talk to my therapist about it.

[Perna]

Originally Posted by wiretwister

All my self value was job based.

When I have difficulties now I immediately check my "balance" and find my center point. As you have learned, self value cannot be based on just one area of one's life or another but has to be about you as a person and how you feel about yourself, not how others feel about you.

I am sad reading your story, Webgoji, as I have a great deal of esteem for you doing what you believe/knew was right. I do not know why you do not recognize that in yourself?

A lot of my self esteem is based on my honesty, creativity, quickness and imagination, ability to learn and grow -- things that are based within me, are intrinsic, and cannot be taken away from anything on the outside. Sure I can be slow in some new area but I know I can/will eventually "get it" if I want to. I know I will have difficulties and problems but I have my trusty creativity, imagination, and sense of humor to help me.

[Webgoji]

Originally Posted by Perna

I am sad reading your story, Webgoji, as I have a great deal of esteem for you doing what you believe/knew was right. I do not know why you do not recognize that in yourself?

I don't want to hijack the thread, but in answer to your question ... *sigh* ...

I'm tired of being punished for doing what is right. It's not that I wouldn't do it all exactly the same way again, but, as the Webgoji always says, "Sometimes we regret the things we have to do, even when they're the right thing to do."

Over the years I've been "that guy"; the one who took the teacher to the principle's office (yep, you read that right) because they were unfairly persecuting someone, the guy that gives the abused woman the safehouse and pays for her divorce, the old knight in shining armor. But my weapons are all used up and my armor is destroyed - to quote The Blue Oyster Cult.

After you get kicked so many times you'll start to flinch. My education suffered because I stood up for what was right (just as an example, one professor gave higher grades to people that went to his church), my career suffered for it and in the process I've drug my wife and kids through homelessness and bankruptcy because I wouldn't keep my head down and just do what I was told to do.

The world isn't fair and might makes right. For 40 years I went out onto the battlefield to fight for other people so that the world could be a little more fair for them, but I was always alone in that fight with nobody to heal my wounds.

And frankly I just can't take it much longer.

[Perna]

Originally Posted by Webgoji

For 40 years I went out onto the battlefield to fight for other people

You have to fight for yourself and your family. Why were you in school, to learn what you could/wanted, not get a particular grade. I am in a school in a foreign country at the moment and they grade differently than I am accustomed so my grades are much lower than I have ever gotten. I was thinking of dropping out but then I remembered what I was there for, and it is not related to what they are doing/there for.

Other people have to fight their own battles or they cannot learn to live in the world and we cannot be around for them all the time because we have to live our own lives and fight our own battles. To assume another person wants or needs you to fight their battles can be seen as arrogant and condescending too (my husband taught me that; he does not offer to help other people, waits until they specifically ask for his help and then helps gladly).

[Webgoji]

^This

And that's one of the reasons I hate myself. Through action or inaction, by stopping the project that would injure someone or stepping in to stop someone being bullied, my choices are always wrong.

[wife22]

"Through action or inaction, by stopping the project that would injure someone or stepping in to stop someone being bullied, my choices are always wrong."

what you did and are doing called integrity,which unfortunately many people lack.i do not think your wife or kids would think higher of you or be proud if you knowingly compromised life of other or ignored the obvious,they are with you because of who you are,It is not difficult to get divorce in today's reality,but you have a family,who stood by you in your darkest day.
know that and believe in your value,without people with integrity and human values we would have been still in neanderthal period

[Nobodyandnothing]

Wiretwister,
I know exactly what you mean. I have had several defining moments. I keep saying that I used to be somebody (when I had a career that I loved) but now I am nobody and nothing. I am not dealing with my losses well at all, and I am not sure I ever will. Self esteem? It is in the toilet. I hope things are looking up for you.

[wife22]

Hey guys
It hurt to read and feel your desperation.i am not suffering from presence of self esteem ,but I learned to hide it well enough that people who do not know me very well would not only miss that,but I have been told that I am one of the confident people.I learned to do it to protect myself (I learned to use determined purposeful walk , may not be sexy feminine,but exudes confidence,I do not talk much ,but by silence you can infer more and some people feel you have more then meets the eye )
Just do not give up
Y
Positive attitude even if fake gives better results.people tend to gravitate toward confident ones( even fake ones) because at the end everyone needs reassurance
Good luck to all of you