[Onward2wards]

I remember coming back to PC three years ago after a very long absence. Both times, I come on the site almost daily, and offer any and all support I know how. I listen to people's problems, I practically feel their pain along with them, I hold out a hand wherever I can, even if it hurts.

In all that time, what do I tell myself about it? "You're weak, you must be too sensitive, maybe you care too much, you're doing it wrong, you could have worded that better, oh that was awkward, are you trying to be some kind of hero!? Are you sure you're not making things worse? Who do you think you are!?"

It just now hit me, after all this time, that I am acting like the person I always wanted to be, and yet I have given myself ZERO credit for trying. I try to make a difference every day and yet I am convinced I'm being clumsy and probably not doing much to ever help. I see my friends list with 127 names on it, and I can't understand why that many people would want to be on it. It's like I'm running some script that says I'm the one who tries but oh dear, epic fail. Too bad. Loooo-serrrrr. I can finally see how sadistic my inner critic is and how absent my sense of self-worth must be. I don't even know what to think. I'm stunned.

I feel like my whole sense of reality just got hit with a gigantic hammer.

[Panda_Girl_17]

Awh I'm sorry that you feel that way. I think you're a great person who offers me a lot of wisdom and advice.

Thank you!

[Onward2wards]

Thanks ((( Panda_Girl_17 )))

[KristyGirl7]

Originally Posted by Onward2wards

I remember coming back to PC three years ago after a very long absence. Both times, I come on the site almost daily, and offer any and all support I know how. I listen to people's problems, I practically feel their pain along with them, I hold out a hand wherever I can, even if it hurts.

In all that time, what do I tell myself about it? "You're weak, you must be too sensitive, maybe you care too much, you're doing it wrong, you could have worded that better, oh that was awkward, are you trying to be some kind of hero!? Are you sure you're not making things worse? Who do you think you are!?"

It just now hit me, after all this time, that I am acting like the person I always wanted to be, and yet I have given myself ZERO credit for trying. I try to make a difference every day and yet I am convinced I'm being clumsy and probably not doing much to ever help. I see my friends list with 127 names on it, and I can't understand why that many people would want to be on it. It's like I'm running some script that says I'm the one who tries but oh dear, epic fail. Too bad. Loooo-serrrrr. I can finally see how sadistic my inner critic is and how absent my sense of self-worth must be. I don't even know what to think. I'm stunned.

I feel like my whole sense of reality just got hit with a gigantic hammer.

Realizing the problem is the first step to recovery. Congratulations! That's probably why Jesus of the Bible said: love your neighbor AS your SELF. We often forget our SELF when it comes to love.

Don't beat yourself up for not seeing it previously. (just in case you would feel like you want to do that) We all learn when it's time to learn (when our brain finally gets enough connections to put things together and make us see something)

I noticed some things at some point, but I also observed that I kind of knew that something was up even before, but just couldn't put my finger on it. Until finally, one day the light bulb went on and I said: oh, so that's what it was! Observing this process, made me realize about how our mind is trying to make all these neuron connections, trying to get enough information to form links and to be able to formulate something clearly to your conscious self. (I believe that the mind computes and analyzes things subconsciously, but it takes more work to make your conscious self become aware of its conclusions).

[gayleggg]

I believe by your friends list that you have done a very good job in helping people here. I'm glad you realize you can only do your best and have the intent to do good and I think people see that.

[Thunder Bow]

Remember all those critical feelings and words about your self, are just cultural imprinting that has nothing to do with you personally.