[Webgoji]

This has to be the best article I've read on how to develop love for ourselves.

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/...yourself-first

I'm especially fond of how the author points out how our ability to love ourselves is affected by our relationships:

Everyone's heard this self-help platitude: We need to love ourselves before we can love anyone else. This may sound wise, but it misses a great truth; if we want to experience true intimacy, we need to be taught to love aspects of ourselves--again and again--by the people around us.

As much as we want to control our own destiny, the humbling truth is that sometimes the only way to learn self-love is by being loved-precisely in the places where we feel most unsure and most tender. When that happens, we feel freedom and relief-and permission to love in a deeper way. No amount of positive self-talk can replicate this experience. It is a gift of intimacy, not of will-power.

I've bolded the part that I think relates very much to myself. The author gives the example of a dog with a shock collar; we can see freedom past the invisible fence, but if we cross it we get shocked. Therefore, if we are berated whenever we love ourselves, then we start to just stay in our yard so we don't deal with the pain.

It's an interesting read and one I'm working on contemplating.

[kaliope]

thanks for sharing this. very good information.

[StrongerMan]

"The world outside the fence just isn't worth the pain."

Sad, but too true for many. Yes, "self talk" is no substitute for true intimacy. But maybe it has great value if it can nudge us even a little in a positive direction toward the "world outside the fence" and more mutually accepting and trusting relationships. Given enough time, the dog will edge closer and closer to the dreaded border and may even inadvertently cross it. The closer it gets, the more enticing the meal. It can learn on its own that the shock is well worth the fleeting pain. Or even that there is no longer a shock at all. It can finally be free to enjoy what before lay so close yet so far. There is hope in what once seemed hopeless. The world outside is worth it after all.

[vans1974]

Originally Posted by Webgoji

This has to be the best article I've read on how to develop love for ourselves.

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/...yourself-first

I'm especially fond of how the author points out how our ability to love ourselves is affected by our relationships:


I've bolded the part that I think relates very much to myself. The author gives the example of a dog with a shock collar; we can see freedom past the invisible fence, but if we cross it we get shocked. Therefore, if we are berated whenever we love ourselves, then we start to just stay in our yard so we don't deal with the pain.

It's an interesting read and one I'm working on contemplating.

Excellent point and I agree...not to get religious, but it's like, the Bible says, "Love thy neighbor as THYSELF." It all starts with SELF... self-love/self-worth/self-respect/self-esteem! Then, comes love for others... how we treat others etc.,

[Mactastic]

I absolutely loved that article. I plan to look up more from that author. Thanks for sharing

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[unaluna]

I love the way he asks, who's that person? It's our t! Thanks for this.

[Little Lulu]

Thank you for posting that article and for marking the important points. Like you, I am going to contemplate it.

Great article and thanks for posting!

That being said, I'm a little confused by some of the responses in this thread. Unless I misunderstood the article, it's saying self-love is learned by being loved by others (in a non-romantic way) which would basically negate the adage "You have to love yourself before anyone else will love you" and instead would replace it with "Someone has to love you for you to love yourself, in order to love someone else to love you/be loved by someone else."

[Perna]

I think the article is about the difficulty of learning self-love. Unless one sees it being done and "copies" it or experiences someone else loving us "for ourselves" (I habitually use to ask my husband why he likes/loves me) and "accept" that, which is pretty much what therapy was about for me, the whole "self-help"-by-positive-self-talk thing is just "talk" and has no true basis. If you don't believe what you say to yourself, then that can't work? However, if you are friends with yourself and decide to believe what you say to yourself and look for its truth, etc. then the positive self talk thing looks a bit ridiculous in the first place.

[maruf]

Many thanks for the share. Finding the love is also very hard. Thanks again.

[Fuzzybear]