[avicenna]

Hello everybody,

I don't know from where to start, but I will try to write my whole situation.

I'm Moroccan, I'm 25 years old. I suffer from low self-esteem, I think causes vary between both genetics and daily life.

Genetics : My father and 80% of his family members are often hesitating taking decisions, very nice people (nice guys), and usually seeking for people's approval.

On the other hand, my mother's family are very impulsive, with some arrogance, getting themselves in troubles.

My childhood was unstable, my parents were having conflicts (because of my father's infedelity). When I was 12, my parents where in daily conflicts, as my father wasn't in a stable job, we experienced starvation, lack of electricity and poverty for long time.

At school, my colleagues were mocking me, laughing at me (usually because I look too innocent, or because I don't know what's on the TV news). I was bad at everything, even soccer... none was choosing me for there team, I just was watching matches, and sometimes crying alone.

When I was 17, I loved a girl ... unfortunately, she hated me because she underestimated me, more than that, she splits on the ground when seeing me. (later in my life I was rejected by two other girls)... Now, I don't really care about it ... I don't even want anymore to make any relationship.

This life resulted in a complete solitude I'm living in now, not only can't I get involved with people and socialize with them... but I don't even want to. Because, I feel like used to not having friends or people I can talk to.

I was religious (muslim) before, only because religion gives me the chance to pray and ask for help and assistance... But now, as I become an atheist, I don't want any divine help anymore.

My parents now reconciled, and are living happy together. But for me, I'm spending the whole day alone at home, I don't get out, I don't have friends...I even have my cell phone shut down all the time.

I also feel I love people, but I hate their presence... I don't like to speak to them until I have a business or a trade with them.

I also feel that, when speaking about business, money, science or logical thinking discussions, I don't feel any low self-esteem ... and I feel like struggling to prove my point of view. But when it comes to having fun, pleasure, jokes, friendships and relationships, I feel I can't get involved in these subjects.

Last year, we had a marriage... people where dancing and singing, I couldn't join them , I just was smiling and watching them. Not because I don't know how to dance or how to sing... I don't feel like doing that with the presence of other people.

Sometimes my parents suggest me to get married... but I don't want to, and they can't understand this. I often say that I want to live my life as a single.

I also see that most people in my family say that I'm not social, and that I'm a nice guy (I mean the negative nice guy).

Physically, I look handsome, but slim and not wanting to eat too much. I hate lunchtimes, because I have to eat with other people on the same table.

Is this natural? is there anyone who feels the way I feel? I just want to know how you guys handle these feelings?

Have a fruitful day.

[Travelinglady]

Hi, avicenna! I went to see a therapist to help me deal with some of the same issues. Is there any way you could see one?

[avicenna]

Actually, I've never seen a therapist before and I'm planning to, but not for now, visiting a therapist has a negative reputation in Morocco.

In fact, once someone knows you're seeing a therapist, he'd think you have a mental illness .

Here, people often confuse psychiatric and mental illness .

Thank you