[Angeluk]

how do you get better self esteem when you have been putting yourself down for years
how do you treat yourself better when voices and thoughts are make you feel down ?

how do you think your worth any thing when you think your worthless ?

[green0cake]

It's really hard when you are battling with yourself because it must be yourself that will encourage you to get up and think you are worth it.

You are stronger than those voices that you hear. They're liars. Do not agree with what they're saying. As you were keep obeying those voices over the years, it will be challenging for you to resist it. But I tell you, you can! Wake up from the darkness because it's just crippling you and doesn't help you to unleash your potential.

I'm sorry I don't have that "to-do list" for you to follow as it is a battle of the mind. It is a battle with your own self. It is a battle, which means you need to do something.

Hi there,

For me, it was a hunch that I was worth something, kind of like, 'against all odds'. My poor self-esteem comes from my parents not being able to see and love me as I was. I always had a suspicious feeling something was not quite right in our family - frankly, that my parents were wrong about me being 'bad' or 'the wrong kind of person'. Finally, at the age of 22, I dropped out of university to get a job instead so that I could afford therapy.

The problem is, our sense of self forms in relation to how others view us. Especially as children, when someone tells us we're worthless - through abandonment or bullying, for example, or by just looking at us as though we are - and we don't have anyone to correct that view, we might start believing it ourselves.

I ultimately got tired of trying to control my negative thoughts and abusive selftalk. I felt there had to be a better way, something that would rid me of those voices for good. I've found it's finding people who really do love me for who I am. At my smallest and greatest. Not people who 'love' me if I do, say, think, feel what they want, but people who are willing to listen and accept me even when they don't 'get' me. Their loving voices and words ultimately replace the bad ones.

[BlueCrustacean]

As a good starting point, you can counter the next negative thought you have about yourself with a positive one. For example, "I never do anything right" you can counter with, "I'm doing the best I can, even if it's not perfect". Instead of calling yourself "worthless", call yourself "worthy". When you're dealing with changing habitual thoughts, it's best to write things down so that they don't get lost in the shuffle. Write down positive thoughts about yourself. Write them down every day, and read them multiple times to get the new habit into your head.

One night I had bad insomnia, a lot of stress, and negative thoughts about myself. Finally, after some hours of misery, I decided to just write something very simple- far from effusive praise. "I am okay. I am an okay person."

I wasn't about to write that I was great. I was just okay... and that took a huge weight off my shoulders. I was able to go to sleep right after that.

So, in a nutshell, affirmations. Listen to positive affirmations, read them, write them, say them out loud to yourself, and think them. You don't have to try too hard to fill your mind with ONLY positive thoughts so they end up causing you stress, but ease into them, and writing them helps so you don't have to think too hard.

That being said, whenever a negative thought comes up, do take the time to STOP the thought in its tracks, and say that this is an illogical thought. It has no real basis, and there's nothing meaningful or productive about this thought. I choose to think something better. The positive thoughts are more real than the negative thoughts.

Yeah, the problem with being self-hating is that it just spirals. A bad habit that just continues for as long as you let it.

One really important thing that I've personally found really helpful is not apologizing for things that aren't my fault. Just cut it out of your vocabulary as much as you can and it'll definitely help. "I'm sorry, this is probably a stupid question but..." turns into "Wait, this might be a stupid question but." Don't apologize for being in people's way. Just move and say "whoops" or something else. Another example is "I'm sorry, could you repeat that?" and "I didn't quite catch that, could you repeat that?" etc etc etc. When you're grabbing all that blame even just verbally, your brain will feed itself that it's kind of your fault.

The other thing that's been helpful to me is directly in line with BlueCrustacean's idea. There is a book called Feeling Good that mentions a very interesting exercise. You take a golf clicker and every time you have a negative thought, you count it. This brings attention to your negative thought processes. I counted easily around 100 daily when I first started. After you've gotten good at identifying them (which dropped my count to around 70), you move onto the next step which is breaking down each of your negative thoughts. Individually. Every time you have one (it's exhausting at first but I can promise you the more you do, the better you get and the easier it will be). So for example I'll do one that I've had before. You start with one thought that you have "I am a bad person." And break it down a little. What makes you a bad person? "It's because I didn't do a very good job helping someone at work." Oh okay. So you weren't perfect this one time out of how many? Oh? That percentage is still very good. And improving. It's not reasonable to expect perfection all the time. "Well I still am a bad person" Well why is that? "Because I'm not responsible." Not responsible on what? You are very responsible when it comes to taking care of your pets and being there for your friends. "Well I've been having trouble with chores and showing up on time to things." Well those chores are because of depression and hey you still have clothes so laundry isn't even dire yet. And you show up on time to plenty of things given the right motivations. You are rarely late to work and that is something you can work on via alarms and creative thinking. Anything else? "No lol not right now." So basically you become your own best friend and give yourself the support you deserve. After a very very intensive and painful half-week, I got it down to around 15 negative thoughts a day. And eventually by the time you get so tired of berating yourself into positive thinking, you'll find it so much easier to just have the positive thought instead lol.

Last note, when I was really depressed, I often found it easier to split myself into a few different sections mentally. One of which was the "BFF" character that literally only cared for my happiness. One that was a "Teacher" so to speak. They wanted the best for me but also for me to be well functioning in the world and live a sustainable life. And the most important one, and the one in control, was me. So whenever I would have a negative thought, I would jump into BFF and love myself back into wellness. I dunno hahaha it sounds a tad strange now but I found it useful.

Best of luck!