I've been working towards reconnecting with myself, who I truly am, what I feel, what I want..

I was just exploring this thing that I do where I love myself but at the same time don't want to be with myself.. I wondered what I get out of not being with myself - my dad's admiration..

I don't know if it's what my dad actually thought or if I just took it that way, but I've felt that he thinks anyone who's emotional is somehow ridiculous, weak, pathetic.. So I've tried to be anything but! And obviously, when I abandon my emotions, I abandon myself..

This actually feels like a relief! Now I see what's been happening - I can let it go I'm letting go of trying to 'win' my dad's admiration - I'd rather be real than have that.

[leejosepho]

Originally Posted by not.dead.yet

I'm letting go of trying to 'win' my dad's admiration - I'd rather be real than have that.

Yes. Having my parents' approval, recognition and admiration or whatever would have been great, but not at the expense of comfort and contentment within my own actual identity.

[Misssy2]

notdeadyet...i love this..replace "dad" with "Mom" and its all about what i am going thru right now. For years..she has put me down..ever so lately due to my mental illness..saying she doesn't want to talk to me until I'm medicated properly...NICE MOTHER....lol

[Unrigged64072835]

Even though my dad is gone I still feel his criticism inside me. I'm still working on that in therapy.