[Ljj7000]

I have noticed that I compare myself to others a lot. I realize it is mentally unhealthy. I realize it only pulls your self esteem and confidence down. But I find myself feeling sad and horrible over others having things that I don't have. Just a few days ago, I was feeling jealous over not being in a relationship (but at the same time, I enjoy being single. I know, sounds weird). I know a few people who are/been in relationships and it made me really sad. This is making me want to gain confidence. I want to stop feeling inadequate.

Sometimes I see how other people's social lives are and I start to wish I had that. I go to a community college and some of my friends are spread out so it is hard to maintain my social life (hard to explain).

Is there anything that I can do whenever I have a negative comparison moment? I realize that "comparison is the thief of joy" but I need an idea of where to start.

Any other things I could do?
Any thoughts?

I want to stop comparing myself to others in so I can have more confidence amnd self esteem.

Originally Posted by Ljj7000

But I find myself feeling sad and horrible over others having things that I don't have. Just a few days ago, I was feeling jealous over not being in a relationship (but at the same time, I enjoy being single. I know, sounds weird). I know a few people who are/been in relationships and it made me really sad. This is making me want to gain confidence. I want to stop feeling inadequate.

Sometimes I see how other people's social lives are and I start to wish I had that. I go to a community college and some of my friends are spread out so it is hard to maintain my social life (hard to explain).

Maybe focus on how you can increase the odds/work toward having what they have? I met my first crush on a double date--he was a very good friend of my gfs bf. It was luck that we liked each other enough to continue to date. I went on a lot of bad dates where I discovered I had no desire for a 2nd date or the guy never asked me out again. You get more dates when you go where the other sex goes. I met my husband on active duty in the military. There are no guarantees but you can increase the odds. What about moving closer to campus or finishing college ASAP or transferring to a university for your last two years? Try to make your own luck.

[terrencewelsch]

I think one of the keys to this is not stopping the comparison, but realizing that everyone is going to have something you don't and lack something you have and learn to honor that difference. Perhaps start reminding yourself what you have in your life that makes it special and, without getting too judgy, say "Yeah, well maybe I'm a better communicator than him/her" or something similar.

[Ljj7000]

Originally Posted by Hopingtrying

Maybe focus on how you can increase the odds/work toward having what they have? I met my first crush on a double date--he was a very good friend of my gfs bf. It was luck that we liked each other enough to continue to date. I went on a lot of bad dates where I discovered I had no desire for a 2nd date or the guy never asked me out again. You get more dates when you go where the other sex goes. I met my husband on active duty in the military. There are no guarantees but you can increase the odds. What about moving closer to campus or finishing college ASAP or transferring to a university for your last two years? Try to make your own luck.

Thanks so much for the story and advice. I am graduating this May so I'll be going to a university this fall. I really appreciate it.

[Ljj7000]

Originally Posted by terrencewelsch

I think one of the keys to this is not stopping the comparison, but realizing that everyone is going to have something you don't and lack something you have and learn to honor that difference. Perhaps start reminding yourself what you have in your life that makes it special and, without getting too judgy, say "Yeah, well maybe I'm a better communicator than him/her" or something similar.

Thank you so much for this. I appreciate it.

[Virginiaham]

I understand what you mean about loving/hating being single - after 2 crappy relationships I’m very happy to be on my own, but I’ll admit that I get jealous when I see friends getting engaged or gushing about their happy relationships. This time of year also makes it worse because of Valentine’s Day hysteria, but I'm planning on buying myself chocolate and watching dark comedies instead of anything at all romantic. Oh, and avoiding Facebook that day!

I also know what you mean about community college. I went to my local college (off and on) for years and met a lot of fun people that way, but the problem was that they were so spread out that we rarely socialized.
Does your college have any student groups or activities that interest you at all? I joined the Improv Team for a short time just because it was something to do.

One thing that’s helping me not compare myself to others (as much…) is to remember that the people I’m comparing myself to were dealt a different set of cards in life, meaning that they may not suffer from mental illness and therefore are having an easier time than you or me. And also that sometimes people may SEEM really happy - but that could just be for show, and we would never know the difference.

And lastly I would suggest that you try to limit your time on social media. I know this is way easier said than done, but it really does make a difference. No one's posting about the hardships or disappointments in their life on Facebook or Instagram, so you only see the braggy stuff (about how great their job/relationship/whatever is) and naturally it makes you feel bad, or like you're not as accomplished. I took a FB break (ok... I made it ONE WEEK without, but still...) and it seemed to help my mental health a little bit.

Good luck!

[Ljj7000]

Originally Posted by Virginiaham

I understand what you mean about loving/hating being single - after 2 crappy relationships I’m very happy to be on my own, but I’ll admit that I get jealous when I see friends getting engaged or gushing about their happy relationships. This time of year also makes it worse because of Valentine’s Day hysteria, but I'm planning on buying myself chocolate and watching dark comedies instead of anything at all romantic. Oh, and avoiding Facebook that day!

I also know what you mean about community college. I went to my local college (off and on) for years and met a lot of fun people that way, but the problem was that they were so spread out that we rarely socialized.
Does your college have any student groups or activities that interest you at all? I joined the Improv Team for a short time just because it was something to do.

One thing that’s helping me not compare myself to others (as much…) is to remember that the people I’m comparing myself to were dealt a different set of cards in life, meaning that they may not suffer from mental illness and therefore are having an easier time than you or me. And also that sometimes people may SEEM really happy - but that could just be for show, and we would never know the difference.

And lastly I would suggest that you try to limit your time on social media. I know this is way easier said than done, but it really does make a difference. No one's posting about the hardships or disappointments in their life on Facebook or Instagram, so you only see the braggy stuff (about how great their job/relationship/whatever is) and naturally it makes you feel bad, or like you're not as accomplished. I took a FB break (ok... I made it ONE WEEK without, but still...) and it seemed to help my mental health a little bit.

Good luck!

Thanks so much for this.

[Morgonstar100]

I totally agree.
You can not jugde a person if you have not walked a mile in their shoes. That is right. I also feel jealousy now and then (but not as I don't wish them their happiness) for other people, but often when you come someone Close and they open up, there has been other pain or worries that you did not see.

So we sometimes envy the beatiful "chocolate paper" or the box is kept within, from our idealised belief of what it contains, but inside it may have a bitter taste.
So we are just comparing ourselves with someones "best" circumstances. Everyone has a ups and downs.

And your future life is not the same as what has been before.

Everyday something special and fantastic can happen.
As Another wisdom Word, it is not about how things are, it is about how you take it

Easy to say I know, but you are definitively not alone with these thoughts.

And when feeling bad. Think that OK, at least I know what I dont want in my life, I dont like missing these things. Then I know the opposite as well, I know what I do want! and if you are fortunate to know what you want, focus on that and you will get it.