Always feeling like I'm doing something wrong...

Hey everyone, i might be putting this in the wrong forum and if might fit better elsewhere, please let me know..

Im a 30yr old man and have been married to my husband for 2yrs now. Growing up I was fairly sheltered and never really had to do anything around the house(not so much my choice but my mom pretty much did all the chores) and my dad isn't any sorta handyman so i never had the opportunity to learn stuff like that. My husband on the other hand is very hands on and has a lot of knowledge when it comes to house stuff and fixing things so honestly, I many times feel inferior to him.

My problem is that there are a lot of times where I feel like I'm doing something wrong. One of the things he has tried getting me to work on is cooking. If i am alone, I'm good with going and trying out what works and trying different things and learning my lessons that way and what not but when he's around, I feel like I'm being watched and lose confidence in what I'm doing and honestly can't perform.

Tonight, the most simplest thing almost led to another argument because we got home and parked our electric car in the garage and i went to plug it in for the first time. So i grabbed the entire hose off the wall(which i didn't need to do) and he says to me, "honey you don't have to grab the entire hose".. so he was trying to give me a suggestion simply but right away my mind felt like i failed and did it wrong and then tried to salvage it by saying, "let me do it and figure out how to do it myself".. which inadvertently led to some snarky remarks and almost an argument..

My question essentially is how can I stop from having all these feelings and has more confidence in myself?

Thanks

Thanks for sharing your concern here on PsychCentral. My personal opinion is that one overcomes a lack of self-confidence via accomplishment. One perhaps starts small with things one pretty-much knows one can do. And then one builds on those. Success breeds success, as the saying goes. The other option, I suppose, is to simply jump into the middle of things, make stuff happen, & be okay with failure if that is the result. See it as a learning opportunity. That's not a method I'm particularly comfortable with. But I know it is one that is often recommended.

The other piece to this puzzle though, I surmise, is one of not wanting to appear less than capable in front of your spouse & attempting to protect yourself by becoming defensive, which then leads to argument. This, of course, is a dynamic I suspect every couple has to deal with to one degree or another. I know I've certainly been guilty of it over the years. There are, I would guess, probably whole books that have been written on this subject. So I doubt it's something I would be able to make much of an inroad into here.

My one suggestion would simply be, if-&-when you can, to try to pause before you react. If you can allow just a few seconds to elapse before you respond (such as to your husband's observation regarding the hose) it may give you the opportunity to formulate a more considered response, as opposed to just "shooting from the hip", as we used to say, with the first (probably defensive) thing that comes to mind.

Here's a selection of articles, from PsychCentral's archives, that I thought might provide some useful information regarding your concerns, the first by our host, Dr. John Grohol, Psy.D.:

https://psychcentral.com/blog/6-tips...dium=popular17

https://psychcentral.com/blog/positi...dium=popular17

https://psychcentral.com/lib/self-es...that-can-help/

https://psychcentral.com/lib/12-simp...dium=popular17

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/imper...dium=popular17

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/nlp/2...nto-arguments/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/the-7-...relationships/

https://psychcentral.com/lib/10-rule...couples/?all=1

I wish you well...

I don't have much time to go into detail, so forgive me but I'm going to use bullets:

- Don't feel inferior and accept yourself for who you are. We have our strengths and weaknesses and your husband wouldn't be with you if you were "inferior"
- You need to learn and grow through experience. Be prepared to put aside your pride (which appears to be the case when charging the car) and take steps to grow. We all have to learn and sometimes it means we'll feel "stupid". However, you can always learn and grow
- Maybe speak with your partner. If your confidence is low, then snarky comments don't help, nor does him looking over you when you try to prepare meals. Have an honest conversation of what you're trying to do and explain that you need support while you learn

Finally, I think you're doing a great thing. We all want to improve for our loved ones and to see you making a concerted effort is admirable