Gaining self esteem

Good one!

I will keep that in mind!

This is so hard for me and I think worth the effort as well! TY sarahsweets.

I understand!

I don't know how could someone build a self-esteem all on her own. I feel she would need a therapist and a good support system. She needs to hear words and affirmation from the external world until she can internalize them and make them her own.

From my own experience in therapy and reading of the research, I actually believe it's the other way around. Someone with no or very low self-esteem can be told wonderful things by others every single day and still feel awful because they have not developed a positive relationship with the Self.

Happiness and peace begin with the Self. We can share our joy with others but if someone looks to others for all of their joy or affirmation that can be a very unhappy path. There is some really interesting research coming from marriage therapists who noted a trend among young women entering marriage with the belief that their husband will be the source of all their happiness and affirmation. This in many cases is a strong predictor of marriage problems or even divorce. Though that's just one example, I'm not suggesting all young women do that or that men never do.

We all benefit from support and it is great to have but what about people who are isolated and have no access or desire to be around others? They can still be kind and loving to themselves. There is hope for all.

That said, I respect your thoughts and sharing on the thread Ennie. I am just sharing my perspective. Peace and positive energy to you

I agree with what you said about people getting married to feel good. I am isolated from everyone.

A therapist is a good idea yes. I'm just conscious that not everyone has access and some are not willing to do therapy d/t societal stigma. I have family members who feel like that and also say they want to feel better about themselves...so I send them strategies and research articles on building or improving self-esteem.

Great insights.

I have trouble getting around and find a therapist who specializes in self esteem

I can't find a therapist right now. I don't have a good support system especially at home. I have some positive quotes I try to say everyday.

There are some good ideas in this thread, so I will try those.

Others I can think of:

☆ Remember nice things people have said about you. If you have heard the same things about yourself by more than one person, it is likely that it is how you come across and that’s other people see it as well, and it is true rather than something they have told you just to make you feel better.

☆ Think of people who are widely hated, such as murderers or other criminals. Remind yourself that anything you do “wrong” won’t be anywhere near as bad as what they did.

☆ Try to get better at your hobbies and interests and improve as much as you can on at least one thing.

☆ When you are around strangers, ask yourself if you notice their flaws and if you’re judging them. You should find that you’re not paying them any (or much) attention, and that you’re seeing them as a whole picture instead of in the small details you view yourself with. You’re not noticing if their hair is messy, if they’re wearing odd earrings, if they lost a button from their shirt or if they have a big nose. Why would people notice these types of things about you?

☆ Start a folder on your computer (or email news articles to yourself) about people who do rude or disrespectful things. Celebrities can be helpful with this, as their actions are always making the news. Maybe a prince didn’t apologise for a car accident or a singer copied someone else’s work. If you are a member of a Facebook group where people complain about businesses or people’s behaviour, that will also be helpful. Remind yourself you’re not like these people, and therefore, no one has a reason to be annoyed with you and strangers have no reason to dislike you for your actions.

☆ Try to learn more social skills. YouTube can help with this. There may be unwritten social rules and expectations you were never aware of because no one thought you teach them to you or you forgot them.

☆ Be open and try new things, even if you think you might not like them. Even just by trying a different movie or music genre, you’re possibly going to expand your interests which will help to make you a more interesting person.

☆ Always wear clothes you like. If you like what you’re wearing, you’ll feel better about yourself.

☆ Always get dressed, make sure your hair is nice and your nails are groomed/manicured. If you are a woman, wear makeup everyday, even when you don’t leave the house. You’ll never have self esteem if you’re in your pyjamas with no makeup and dirty, frizzy hair. You’ll feel much better if you put effort into your appearance, which you’re doing for you.

That is great advice. I will keep that in mind. Thank you for reminding me.

Good post. I also agree with ''don't judge self re mistakes'' - sometimes they are how we learn.

Manicured claws...

That is great advice!

Buffy, you need to read other books, too - not just self-help books. You need to read fiction books, biographies and autobiographies. There are several reasons for that:

1) You may be viewing reading books on self-esteem as "work" as opposed to "pleasure", so you are not allowing yourself to experience pleasure, and that only hurts your self-esteem, without helping it

2) Reading a true story allows you to experience a challenge and a path of growth and learning through the mind of a protagonist, which is a very powerful and enriching experience. Self-help books do not put you through the grind of overcoming challenges and facing lost hopes together with the protagonist - they do not allow you the kind of soul growth that actual literature fosters.

3) The more you read good books, the better you become at conversation, esp. written, and that would lead to more friendships.

I myself had a many year period of not being able to read books - for entirely different reasons, but still. This is the book that pulled me out of it and I highly recommend it for you:

Amazon.com: The Fault in Our Stars (8601402233168): John Green: Books

I will check that out.

There is no single way to do this, it's different for everyone, one common theme though is it takes time, it won't happen over night. Small steps is what it takes.

You said you've read alot of books and watched youtube videos. did you actually do any of the exercises you learned about. Most informational material of this type has exercises in them.

If you did the exercises, did you really do them, I mean give them a real shot not just tried them once or twice. As I said above it takes time, lots of time and you need to give any self-esteem building exercise time work, months of repetitive action at least not just a one off, half hearted attempt.

There is probably no advice I can give you that you haven't already read about, it's up to you to take what you've learned and run with it. Good luck.

I'm using self help video to find self help books. I have one audio book I am working on those tools.

Hi Buffy01,

Unfortunately there is no one size fits all for raising self-esteem. I once had very low self-esteem, I hated myself and couldn't understand how anyone could like me.

I, like you, read lots of books but the books don't work by passively reading them. It take a lot of effort, you will need to do alot of work, and do it consistently for a long time.

The main contributor to me inceeasing my self-esteem was purposefully putting myself in situations that felt uncomfortable and then looking for all of the positives that came out of each.

I started small and worked my way up to what was first me a life changing moment. I did a parachute jump from 3200 feet. A parachute jump, not a tandum skydive, a parachute jump where you have to jump out on your own is easily accessible but take a huge amount of courage.

You could book one tomorrow, After the first jump I felt like if I could do that I could do anything. I became the benchmark for many things I thought I couldn't do. I used to ask myself, "is this harder than jumping from a plane" the answer was always No. As I'd already jumped.from a plane I could do whatever was in front of me.

I'm not saying jump out of a plane but I am saying have a think about something you could do to really push you out of you comfort zone and go do it. Then find something else and do that. Rinse and repeat until you've reached the level of self-esteem you're happy with.