To separate my entity from my Mothers

Still I find it very difficult to separate myself from my mother. I sometimes feel I am her, have become her, or am becoming her. I don't like who my mother is as a person, yet I love her because she's my mom...the woman who gave life to me and raised me alone. It's taken years to separate my entity from hers and occasionally I relapse the idea and imagine myself as her. It sounds like mommy issues...I know. But, my biggest fear ever is to be my mother, in all ways, such as raising my own kids, my relationships, my values, and the moral delusions. Today I feel like I am her..I despise this feeling.

Label it as a feeling then write down all the ways you are NOT like her.....you probably have many differences, too many to count..after all you write and express so well that you don't like her as person, yet love her because she's your mother...you have pinpointed 2 very distinct feelings that create conflict and you seem to understand that..I am working on separating myself from my mother too, and the more I set up a boundary, the more I allow MYSELF to come through and not the imagined self, when imagination runs, it is good to come back to that list...for me..1) My morals are more concerned with being good to others instead of hurtful to others 2) I would raise my own kids without verbal abuse 3) My relationships are more give and take than just take 4) My values involve fairness and helping and being thoughtful

........................But that's my list............what's yours?

My therapist taught me the difference between love and like. She asked me who I liked and I said my husband and she asked why and I said because he's warm, fun and friendly. I knew I loved my stepmother too, like you love your mother, but I certainly didn't find her "warm, fun, and friendly" :-) Figure out what you love in a friend and it's much easier to not feel guilty and to know what you don't like in your mother.

Some of that stuff is inherited, like breathing, and you aren't like her, she's like her mother or great grandfather or who knows who. Personality traits come down just like hair color and dimples! My mother died when I was three, I don't even remember her but I saw an 8 mm motion picture of her taken 12 years before I was born, before she and my father were even married and I "felt" her feelings she displayed. Very odd. Fortunately my mother has no negative connotations for me like my stepmother does. Work on your own issues as yours instead of thinking of them as being like your mother's. Yes we learned some negative things growing up that tend to persist but we can unlearn them if we want to and they served a "good" purpose for somebody somewhere (just like symptoms do) or wouldn't exist in the first place. My controlling stepmother, who was that way because of anxiety taught me controlling behaviors to deal with my anxiety but she was also "strong" and "forceful" very protective and safe feeling in her protection when I was growing up too. Things are seldom only one dimension (or two :-) but have more depth. Maybe your feeling like you're becoming like your mother and feeling that's a negative thing goads you on to do things better and keeps you "moving" forward?

my list is very very similar to yours...I agree

YouOMe,

Isn't it annoying. You think you have succeeded in breaking free, and being your own person, and then you get reabsorbed into her being.

I struggle with this, and my mother is dead, and has been for 10 years!

I just woke up from the strangest dream about my mother.

EJ

Excellent suggestions Perna AND all--I just came across this as i was going to bed.
This helped me a lot.
I have the same issues with my mom--she wants me sick and dependent upon her so either a) she won't be alone or b) so I won't grow up, marry, and have my own life---which I deserve.
My mom feels she has to "save" me from a harsh world----
when really, the world isn't harsh-it's pour perception.

Good posts.