[ghost bird]

Hey. I'm new here and feeling super lost. I've been quarantined for almost five months and I'm starting to lose who I am. I've gone through so many changes in so little time. But the thing that's crushing me the most right now is self-esteem.
Because my super religious, conservative family doesn't approve of anything that matters to me, and doesn't believe the pandemic is a big deal, I've been feeling... like... gaslit? I think that's the term, but please, correct me if I am wrong. It feels like nothing I say or do is real or true or matters. I feel like nothing makes sense and I'm not worth listening to.
My roommate doesn't help. She has her own struggles and they have led her to constantly ignore anything I say. She'll listen to 1/4 of a sentence and then either interrupt about something completely unrelated or literally turn away and start reading or watching something. It's making it so much worse. Anytime I've brought it up to her she makes it this huge deal, all about her and her woes. And I listen, and I care, and I try to encourage. But she never acknowledges that what she does hurts me. She never acknowledges that her behavior is legitimately rude as hell, and hurtful. I don't press it though. It's not as if she'd hear me. And I don't want to be the bad guy.
I feel kind of... worthless and confused and lost and alone. I've always had self-esteem issues, due to the toxic way I was raised and educated. And it's really hard to talk to people and feel natural lately. I need to talk to people about what I'm going through but i don't want to drive them away, burden them, stress them out, make them sad. I care so much... but often I feel as though nobody really cares back. I feel as though I'm actually secretly a terrible, foolish, obsessive, obnoxious person, but unaware.
And I know, yes. I need therapy. That's why I'm here on this forum--I cannot afford it right now.

[Breaking Dawn]

Dear ghost bird, first of all, welcome to PC! I am glad you decided to join us. Your story is very familiar. We have many members here with similar experiences. You are a caring person, so it's deeply meaningful for you, & painful. We help each other here. It's a really good place. Find some friends here, especially ones who you relate with, so you can support each other. Good luck with everything! And I hope you have a wonderful day!

[wanderingstream]

Hello ghost bird!
I want to say that you are valid and ARE SEEN. Right now, unfortunately, the people you are surrounded by are not showing you the love and the attentiveness you need to feel it.

If I may provide advice, YOU need to be seen by yourself! Don't allow others to shrowd your unique light out. If you have to listen to self affirmations an hour a day, DO IT. Becuase you need positive commentary to break up the negative emotions you are feeling about yourself. You have to first strengthen yourself and stop basing your emotions and worth by others.

Best of luck and I hope this helps.

[ShaneG]

Originally Posted by ghost bird

Hey. I'm new here and feeling super lost. I've been quarantined for almost five months and I'm starting to lose who I am. I've gone through so many changes in so little time. But the thing that's crushing me the most right now is self-esteem.
Because my super religious, conservative family doesn't approve of anything that matters to me, and doesn't believe the pandemic is a big deal, I've been feeling... like... gaslit? I think that's the term, but please, correct me if I am wrong. It feels like nothing I say or do is real or true or matters. I feel like nothing makes sense and I'm not worth listening to.
My roommate doesn't help. She has her own struggles and they have led her to constantly ignore anything I say. She'll listen to 1/4 of a sentence and then either interrupt about something completely unrelated or literally turn away and start reading or watching something. It's making it so much worse. Anytime I've brought it up to her she makes it this huge deal, all about her and her woes. And I listen, and I care, and I try to encourage. But she never acknowledges that what she does hurts me. She never acknowledges that her behavior is legitimately rude as hell, and hurtful. I don't press it though. It's not as if she'd hear me. And I don't want to be the bad guy.
I feel kind of... worthless and confused and lost and alone. I've always had self-esteem issues, due to the toxic way I was raised and educated. And it's really hard to talk to people and feel natural lately. I need to talk to people about what I'm going through but i don't want to drive them away, burden them, stress them out, make them sad. I care so much... but often I feel as though nobody really cares back. I feel as though I'm actually secretly a terrible, foolish, obsessive, obnoxious person, but unaware.
And I know, yes. I need therapy. That's why I'm here on this forum--I cannot afford it right now.

Hi There, Hope things are improving to some degree, I know exactly what you are describing, it has many aspects to it and affects many different people each in their own way, gaslighting is designed to attack the very security we need as people in function within this world, what you are in is an abusive relationship with a perp or a covert emotional abuser, she may have many personality traits which have until now remained well hidden as the name of the game is to covertly entrap you, emotional blackmail you with your own peace of mind or your psychological reassurance.

Have you're ever heard of gang stalking or of assaults via a proxy, also would they have a history of many bad relationships, drugs and drink abuse, any unstable characteristics, or many onside partners.

The best advice would be to cut them out of your life and keep an eye out for any reprisals they may pull behind your back as this would be a given.

Good luck

Welcome, ghost bird!

I can relate to so much of what you said.

I agree with what wanderingstream said about building yourself up in your own eyes. It does help. I've always struggled with affirmations. But I figured out a weird trick around it. I have a teddy bear (yup, grown*** legit adult). It is somehow easier for me to receive positive messages when it... kind of goes through a "second party". Sounds silly, but it helps me a lot. I've tried to analyze how I do this, and the best explanation I've come up with is that I project warm feelings and reflect them back as if they are coming from him. And have him say nice things when I need it.

If that might help you, great, if not, ignore.

[RoxanneToto]

We hear you and what you’re feeling is valid!
The pandemic, unfortunately, is a big deal no matter how many people are minimising it. You’re feeling gaslit because your family are denying aspects of reality. It’s difficult to fight against being gaslit, but not impossible.

[ShaneG]

Originally Posted by RoxanneToto

We hear you and what you’re feeling is valid!
The pandemic, unfortunately, is a big deal no matter how many people are minimising it. You’re feeling gaslit because your family are denying aspects of reality. It’s difficult to fight against being gaslit, but not impossible.

With gaslighting, you need to leave the toxic environment, as ambient abuse will mess with your view of people and places.

cut out the cancer!

[KBMK]

Originally Posted by ShaneG

With gaslighting, you need to leave the toxic environment, as ambient abuse will mess with your view of people and places.

cut out the cancer!

I agree with this, that distancing works better than defending in cases of being overridden and used for validation. The thing is, you aren't just being ignored (which would be bad enough) but used and censored.

It's good, Ghost Bird, that you're sharing here. There is support here, and out there for you too. Your feelings about the current situation, and about anything, are totally valid. Please don't let anyone make you question your emotions or intuition, just cause it doesn't fit with the story they're telling themselves. It's a tough time

[ShaneG]

As survivors, we need to band together and take control for ourselves, as we know the landscape, the lived experience, and can better relate to one another.

I see no real drive to push us out of the entrapment that many of us are hoodwinked into believing, to carry on down this road we are all on, would be like trying to find a cure for corona.