[purplemango]

Hello, I'm new to the forum and I hope this is the right place to post. I am reaching out for help and advice on how to build self-esteem.

I've always had very low self-esteem/self-worth, and I believe this is a main factor in most undesirable behaviors that I want to change. I'm afraid to take up space and bother people, I always doubt myself and I feel lost. On the outside I am arguably doing very well, but I wish that I could feel comfortable with myself and happy. But instead of going out and working on myself, getting out of my comfort zone, I often just stay home and feel bad about myself and overthink things. I want to do something, but I just sit/lie there and feel dread when I think about the things that I need to do, even if I know it'd be good for me. I feel like I have wanted to change for as long as I can remember, but I have never been able to keep it up long enough to make a difference, and that doesn't make me feel any better about myself.

I recently went through a breakup after less than a year together. It was hard for both of us because the majority of that time was spent long-distance, and we didn't get much time to connect outside of that as we're both pretty busy.

The reason why I liked him was for his seemingly endless motivation and persistence for self-improvement, his desire to be a good person to others, and we had a surprising number of hobbies in common. Although I can't quite say the same about myself, I've always wished that I "had more motivation" and I wanted to be a more friendly and growth-mindset person. He always openly gave me feedback on the things I did that he thought weren't good; for example, I can sometimes be quite judgmental, and that's something I want to change. I'm grateful that he's brought these issues to my attention and wanted to help me fix them. We broke up because he always felt like I didn't put in any effort to improve even as he gave feedback and suggestions. Our breaking point came when we discussed what inspired us about each other, and he couldn't name anything other than that I am athletic and I motivate him to be more active.

So I want to ask for advice today on how I can put myself together and work towards all the things I admired about him, for myself. I thought that things could work out if we just put in the effort, and selfishly I hoped that he could be there to lend me a hand and help me through that journey. I've realized that I'm the red flag and the only person I can and should count on to learn to love myself, is myself. How do I build habits of working on the things I want to do and improve on, but currently avoid because "I'm tired" or "it's too hard" or "I'm scared"? How do I find burning motivation to do things in life and chase my dreams?

And a tangent, I've been having trouble figuring out how to channel my emotions after the breakup. I go back and forth between "I wish we could've just tried a bit longer" and "wow I really suck as a person, I want to get better"; but even to that last point, I want to make sure my desire to improve is for myself, not because I'm being delusional and hoping if I become a good person perhaps we can reconnect. I really thought and still think he's an amazing person I can imagine a life with, but I don't want to draw motivation from that. I feel sad that we let go of it, but how do I stay grateful for our time together, take it as a lesson learned and move forward without regrets?

I know this was a big jumble of words and feelings, but I hope it made some sense. Thank you in advance for any comments and advice, and please feel free to be blunt about it.