[RozG]

How do I learn to tell the difference between being assertive and being nasty coz...on the rare occassions where I do be assertive...I beat myself up afterward for feeling I've just been nasty. I don't like to be nasty even when it may be classed as justified.

I'll give the only example I canthink of atm coz this one drives me nuts inside:

I've stopped using messenger to talk with friends coz...if I'm talking to one, I have my indicator set to busy or away to let people know I'm not available. But they knock me for a conversation anyway...then I end up flying between like four conversations getting very stressed and confused. But if I ignore them...coz I've already made it clear I'm busy...apart from the fact they get angry at being ignored...I feel I'm just being nasty but I'm sure some folks would class that as assertive?

So...how am I supposed to know the difference between what's being assertive...asserting your rights, needs whatever...or just downright nasty?

And just for the record I genuinely don't know how to tell the difference between nasty and assertive...in the same way that I had to be taught by my social worker that disciplining children is not abuse coz I was worried it was and didn't want to abuse my kids even one tiny little bit.

And sorry I'm waffling now.

[ziggy1]

4 conversations would give me a headache....!!!

Have they told you that there angry with you? Or are you assuming

this???? I think your just looking out for yourself..

I've been in between 2 convos on messenger and I was crazy from
2! I wouldn't worry.....

[RozG]

no they DO get angry ziggy....which i tend to just let go. but thanx for letting me know it's not just me.

[Perna]

First, you can't do a dang thing about other people's reactions! If they want to be immature and get angry when you're busy because "mommy" can't talk, that's their lookout. You're not responsible for them/their problems, even if it's their problems with you :-)

I tell the difference between assertive and good self care versus nasty by the "timing". If it's off-the-cuff with no thought and snarled, it's nasty Giving in to four people until you're frazzled will make you nasty. Being assertive and having the "busy" up and talking one-on-one (maybe make appointments with the others?) is the "best" you can do. You can only do one thing at a time.

Think about that! You LITERALLY can only talk to one person at a time; there is no such thing as multi-tasking, it's just doing things quickly in sequence, but only one thing at a time.

So let them get angry and tell them you were "busy" (don't tell them at what or "excuse" yourself, it's none of their business!) and leave it at that. They'll get over it.

[RozG]

Like your style Perna, I'll have to try and remember that...about if it's not off the cuff etc. Also, you're right...I can't be responsible for other peoples reactions when they're being unreasonable to begin with. Thanks for your advice.

[Fuzzybear]

Good question kj, I've been confused by this as well

[RozG]

awww ((((((Fuzzy)))))) it is a hard one isn't it? maybe we can learn together eh?

[Perna]

Only nastiness comes out of stress. Most everyone is "good people" and if given the time and opportunity to think things through are going to end up assertive, instead of nasty.

Don't get confused between what you are experiencing and what someone else says! If you are trying your best, you are not being nasty, no matter what someone else might experience or say. Also don't call yourself names just because you feel pressured or uncomfortable. Someone else pressuring you or calling you names does not mean you have been nasty, it just means they have and/or that they have a problem. Name calling, whether of one's self or others is always nasty.

You're allowed to take your time! If you are confused about something, stop and figure it out. Don't let other people rush you. Assertive is looking out for yourself because, if you think about it, you are all you have. Your stuck with yourself (and nobody else) so you might as well make yourself function well and be comfortable?

You are allowed to want what you want. However, that is not the same as getting what you want. We have to "pay" for what we want in time and effort and even then might not be able to get it. But you can want the moon; your friends can all want to talk to you at once, each one wanting to be first. But they only control half that want, you control the other half and you're allowed to want what you want so you may not have the physical time or energy for them, to help them get what they want and they have to deal with that because it's their want. Just think of the slick salesman who says, "Can I have 10 minutes of your time?" -- you're allowed to say no. Treat demands on you as if they're unsolicited phone calls. Some may be of interest to you but others not. But you get to decide because it's taking your time and energy. Saying no (or yes) is assertive as it is "asserting" what you want, in your space. You can't be assertive in someone else's space because it's not your space! That's being aggressive and you could be guilty of boundary crossing.

Practical example: Two people trying to make an appointment of when to meet. "Is 2:00 on Wednesday good for you. . ." Each person gets to say what is/is not good for them when it's about them. But you don't say, "Well, you have to meet me at 2:00 Wednesday!" to another do you? That's aggressive, not assertive. However, "No, 2:00 is not good for me, how about 3:00 on Friday?" is assertive. You're telling the other person where you "are", you're communicating. That's all being assertive is, communicating with ONE other about where you are in your relationship with that one person so they can negotiate with and work around your needs and desires. You do the same with theirs and end up with a workable solution to whatever the issue is.

[RozG]

Perna, thank you for that, that makes so much sense...to think of it as communication, which is a positive thing. And to realize that when other people makes demands and I need to refuse (for my own sanity if nothing else) isn't nasty. I think the way I will view it from now on is they are asserting their need for immediate attention...I'm just asserting my own need in return that I can't go there at that precise moment.

And I like the examples you gave, they're very helpful in helping me to understand.

Thank you

[ziggy1]

I like Your view on this Perna....I agree with you especially

about others reactions...which is totally their view...!