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Old Jul 05, 2008, 04:56 AM
jbgirl jbgirl is offline
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Member Since: Jul 2008
Posts: 3
I apologize in advance for this being terribly long, but I'm really out of options and it is a very heavy issue. Plus background is needed..

I've been with my significant other (SO) for a little over five years. After we got to know each other I learned of his scarring high school experience and his basically non existent self esteem. He was awkward, didn't know how to act, and never got hit on or had the idolized high school life of the "popular good looking guy" which he basically saw in every other rich Caucasian at his private catholic school (he is Filipino btw). Which led to complete lack of self esteem.

He slimmed out the summer after his junior ear and transferred from his private school to the public high school where I met him. After about 6 or so months of knowing each other we finally made if official. The first few months were plagued with him being jealous and angry when I would get hit on. It made him feel as if people walked on him and degraded him, etc.

He began working out more, got quite a bit larger, and when we would walk around no one would say anything to me anymore.

After that first year, the next two were really great. Our families are extremely close, have good caring friends, etc. Things were pretty much picture perfect...

One day he asks me if he is hot. I respond with a yes. Then he asks if a majority of the population would say so, and I said I don't know... because, quite frankly I don't. That ended with his response: "Well, if you can't answer that then I'm not hot" So then I said: "Yeah, they would..." Because I look at him and see nothing wrong, and see an attractive guy.

He hates his flat Filipino nose, he thinks that it is too fat and wide and lacks a bridge, he has a lazy eye in pictures but you can't tell in person. Those are his two complaints, and he says he is all around ugly. When I look at him though, I don't see what he sees. I see an attractive, muscular Filipino guy.

I see a problem in that he idolizes the "typical hot white guy" the guy with the "white, perfect, pointed nose with bridge" with the chiseled features who has abs while eating whatever he wants and girls that fall all over him. (sorry if some of this comes off racist to some, but these are the terms used and therefore the most applicable to explain the situation)

The larger problem is that for him everything revolves around the superficial, because his motto is that looks are everything.. they're how people get by in the world.. etc.

He was wonderful, loving parents. A large family that adores him. My family adores him. He has friends that love him. Sadly enough he even pushes the "good looking" people that want to hang out with him away because he "isn't worthy"

Since the whole hot or not ideal, he's gotten very depressed because he hasn't gotten the attention a "hot" person would get. He thinks that if he's hot then girls should go up to him, he should get hit on, etc. That doesn't happen though... so he concludes he is ugly. Despite the fact that he is a muscular guy who looks like a hard ***, and isn't very approachable.

It is as if attention / a girl thinking he is good looking is a drug for him..

When we walk around malls or public venues I see girls do a double take, etc. However, he says that it's just because he is one of the bigger guys.

On top of that he always gets compliments about what a pretty girlfriend he has, etc. But that doesn't count for his self esteem because he's lucky he got a pretty girl that was blind (not literally, but one who can't see that he's ugly) and on top of that I'm not extremely superficial.

Anyway, the last year and a half since he's gotten obsessed with being hot or not it is as if he has turned into a completely different person.. which is why I am here.

He gets intimidated and angry at the sight of a pretty girl because he automatically thinks she looks at him as nothing, seeing good looking guys makes him feel down. When he is down he gets very angry and verbal. He blames me for how he feels because if it wasn't for me he would have never thought he was hot and would have just stayed how he was--- a person with low self esteem, who just accepted he was ugly, etc. He also gets mad because I won't admit he is ugly when he proves it because the things he expects a hot person to experience do not happen to him.

Today was one of the worst blow ups. It ended with him concluding that he has to pull away from all of his friends, isolate himself. It then lead to him deciding on committing suicide tonight. He said that although the part of him that is the nice, fun guy who attained all the friends and respect of a lot of people doesn't want to do it... he still feels that he deserves to do it. According to him he deserves it because he is ugly, no one cares about him (or they do but it just doesn't matter to him), and it's what someone like him deserves. He also feels he deserves it because he hates who he is when he gets angry and yells and takes his anger and frustrations out on me.

When he gets to the core of it he acknowledges and says that the things he says when he is mad are not true.... he is just mad because he is ugly.

He refuses to get help because he hates shrinks, etc. (and sadly enough I think that part of this has to do with the fact that I was a Psych major). He is too embarrassed to tell his parents, but I know they are one thing that will keep him from following through with his threats.

I was able to talk him out of it tonight.. he supposedly did not do it because of me... because I was hysterical and wouldn't stop until he promised.

But this can't keep going on for much long. He continually states that this isn't a problem that is going to go away, etc. But I still don't quite know how to go about it.

I can't have him committed because if I do and he gets out.. he WILL do it for sure, because he'll be extremely angry and embarrassed about being committed.

I can't tell his parents because if he finds out he'll do something horrible (to himself)

If he wasn't going to calm down and not do it tonight... I was going to call the cops. BUT if there is something I can do now to prevent the worst case scenario I want to take that route.

I just need any experience, insight, etc. Because he has a life that people would kill for, and none of it matters because he is so caught up on looks and superficiality.

Anyone?

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  #2  
Old Jul 05, 2008, 05:57 AM
Rose3 Rose3 is offline
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Member Since: Feb 2007
Location: north america
Posts: 779
If he is at risk - that he might act to harm himself, then
maybe he needs to be seen by professionals.
  #3  
Old Jul 05, 2008, 02:49 PM
jbgirl jbgirl is offline
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Member Since: Jul 2008
Posts: 3
As far as harming himself, that isn't a issue at the present moment, now that he is calm and relaxed... for now.

I do agree, he does need professional help. Badly. However, he thinks that it is stupid, isn't going to help, etc. and he is the type of person who can, if forced to go, act like it helped and leave unchanged. He's very good at acting fine. And my largest concern is that if action is taken he needs to be institutionalized for awhile.. because if he's kept then released he will do something upon departure for sure.
  #4  
Old Jul 11, 2008, 02:21 PM
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RomanSunburn RomanSunburn is offline
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Member Since: May 2008
Location: East Coast, USA
Posts: 1,293
I understand that you want to help your boyfriend; you two have had a close relationship for several years. But at the same time, i'm worried about you. He's abusing you by telling you your opinions dont matter and that your attraction to him isn't enough for him to feel good about himself. As low as his self esteem is, this can't be helping yours any. I agree he does need help; and yet you can bring a horse to water but not make him drink. Meaning, he has a will of his own, and whether or not he actually gets the help he needs is out of your hands. I'm not sure how old you are, but you might not be able to do anything to help him, simply because of his age. Maybe he'd be willing to go to a therapist if you went with him, or at the very least you could see a therapist yourself to get help dealing with him. You've probably tried this, but in case you havent, try talking to him about everything when he's calm. Sit right in front of him and hold hands, without letting go, have the discussion. It's harder for someone to get mad at you when you're holding their hand. I hope some of this helps you, but remember to take care of yourself first.

Good luck,
Ro
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