[Rapunzel]

How does one develop personal power?

I'm struggling lately in all areas of my life. This has been going on forever, really, but I'm looking at the last several months in particular. Feedback is that I fail to take action when action is warranted or when I perceive something as a problem. I realize that this has to do with that I don't feel like I can do anything that will help. I can also recognize where this comes from. I was taught by my parents growing up that I was only a child, and would always be their child, which they owned, and nothing was mine because I owed everything to them, and I could not do anything without their approval, and they did not approve of trying to do anything on my own. Anything that I did try to do was never good enough, and was subject to criticism and discouragement.

My parents never expected me to leave home. They didn't know how to let go. They sabotaged my efforts to choose my college when I was 18, and forced me to move with them to another state. I fought a war, and it took me a year, but I did leave the next year. I broke free, severed ties, and was alone and miserable and dependent on roommates and got married when I wasn't ready, and couldn't see that I had any options. I felt that I couldn't take care of myself and what I wanted out of my life was never a consideration.

Now I am doing so many more things than I did before, but the theme of never being good enough keeps repeating. I am still stuck. T told me that she has never seen treatment be successful with anyone who was determined that they can't change. I want to be able to change, but I am afraid. It seems like it will never be good enough, and I will keep getting stuck. It seems like I don't matter, and nothing that I do will ever make a difference. I often think that I am invisible, and have felt that I had no impact on anybody, and that I should not be visible or have any power or influence anyone.

I want to be confident and capable of living my life effectively and making a difference. I wish that I knew how to be like that. Any ideas?

[Rapunzel]

I have been trying to find a dissertation that I remember reading online a couple of years ago, that discussed characteristics of personal power in counseling students in training. I can't find it. I remember that it defined levels of personal power, and I would really like to read it again. From what I could remember:

Level 1 - no sense of personal power, all power is perceived as belonging to someone else such as a supervisor
Level 2 - beginning to act using power perceived as coming from supervisor or other source
Level 3 - first realization of own power and ability to use power - afraid of losing or giving up personal power or to share power with others (it sounded like people at this stage coul dhave the potential to be overly controlling and even engage in some bullying or inappropriate use of power)
Level 4 - secure enough in own sense of personal power to take an interest in empowering others
Level 5 - in control, able to wield power effectively while actively building power in others - power is shared
Level 6 - realization that all power is shared power and personal power is no longer relevant

It went something like that. I feel that I am still at level 1, and don't know how to move beyond. I'm also afraid of level 3, as it sounds like level 3 people are not very nice, and the description reminded me of a boss I had who seemed to be in charge and in control, but could not stand for other people to be successful, was not really IMO qualified for her own job, and was only willing to promote people who were unqualified, so that she could keep people down who might be potential threats to her. And I might hesitate to move through these stages because I don't ever want to be like that.

[Mouse_]

[quote=Rapunzel;831703]How does one develop personal power?

quote]

You need someone who models their own Personal power....its amazing what a brain picks up...I've never found reading to be enought to actually change me..yeah I can parrott off some nice quotes about other peoples experiences, but that meant nowt..we need to EXPERIENCE our own ablity to change and be able to respond to our life in our way not the way someone else deems we should respond .....when you've got there, you've got where your going!

[skeeweeaka]

Originally Posted by Rapunzel

How does one develop personal power?

I'm struggling lately in all areas of my life. This has been going on forever, really, but I'm looking at the last several months in particular. Feedback is that I fail to take action when action is warranted or when I perceive something as a problem. I realize that this has to do with that I don't feel like I can do anything that will help. I can also recognize where this comes from. I was taught by my parents growing up that I was only a child, and would always be their child, which they owned, and nothing was mine because I owed everything to them, and I could not do anything without their approval, and they did not approve of trying to do anything on my own. Anything that I did try to do was never good enough, and was subject to criticism and discouragement.

My parents never expected me to leave home. They didn't know how to let go. They sabotaged my efforts to choose my college when I was 18, and forced me to move with them to another state. I fought a war, and it took me a year, but I did leave the next year. I broke free, severed ties, and was alone and miserable and dependent on roommates and got married when I wasn't ready, and couldn't see that I had any options. I felt that I couldn't take care of myself and what I wanted out of my life was never a consideration.

Now I am doing so many more things than I did before, but the theme of never being good enough keeps repeating. I am still stuck. T told me that she has never seen treatment be successful with anyone who was determined that they can't change. I want to be able to change, but I am afraid. It seems like it will never be good enough, and I will keep getting stuck. It seems like I don't matter, and nothing that I do will ever make a difference. I often think that I am invisible, and have felt that I had no impact on anybody, and that I should not be visible or have any power or influence anyone.

I want to be confident and capable of living my life effectively and making a difference. I wish that I knew how to be like that. Any ideas?

I wish I knew, that is exactly what I am trying to find out.... Good luck on your journey.

TJ

[Sannah]

Hi again Rapunzel. With good child development a parent allows the child to always do whatever they are capable of so that they can become competent and then build healthy self-esteem based on this (plus healthy self-esteem is based on being loved and feeling valuable because of that). Also, when the parents don't interfere and allow the child to be a seperate being this builds healthy boundaries. Of course you understand what happened to you here. I am sorry. I think that you can recover, though. I have recovered from all sorts of development gone wrong things. Your parents raised you to be powerless because they needed that sense of control for whatever reason. So now you feel powerless because this is all that you have ever experienced. It is, however, just based on your experiences. It really isn't who you are. You can have other experiences now that will "train" you a different way.

I read your other post too on this subject. It seems that you are still taking in info from others concerning how you are doing. This seems to reinforce your powerlessness and that you can't do anything good enough. Everyone has an opinion and if you continue to suck those opinions in you will continue to feel like you do not have any power. Like I said when I answered your other post, you need to strengthen your own foundation and this will help you to feel empowered. That foundation is your self-worth and your boundaries. Increasing your self-worth will help you to feel stronger on the inside and stronger boundaries will help to protect you from outside info that you don't need.

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((((((((((( Rap ))))))))))))))))

[Fuzzybear]

Originally Posted by Sannah

Hi again Rapunzel. With good child development a parent allows the child to always do whatever they are capable of so that they can become competent and then build healthy self-esteem based on this (plus healthy self-esteem is based on being loved and feeling valuable because of that). Also, when the parents don't interfere and allow the child to be a seperate being this builds healthy boundaries. Of course you understand what happened to you here. I am sorry. I think that you can recover, though. I have recovered from all sorts of development gone wrong things. Your parents raised you to be powerless because they needed that sense of control for whatever reason. So now you feel powerless because this is all that you have ever experienced. It is, however, just based on your experiences. It really isn't who you are. You can have other experiences now that will "train" you a different way.

I read your other post too on this subject. It seems that you are still taking in info from others concerning how you are doing. This seems to reinforce your powerlessness and that you can't do anything good enough. Everyone has an opinion and if you continue to suck those opinions in you will continue to feel like you do not have any power. Like I said when I answered your other post, you need to strengthen your own foundation and this will help you to feel empowered. That foundation is your self-worth and your boundaries. Increasing your self-worth will help you to feel stronger on the inside and stronger boundaries will help to protect you from outside info that you don't need.

[Fuzzybear]

Originally Posted by Rapunzel

I have been trying to find a dissertation that I remember reading online a couple of years ago, that discussed characteristics of personal power in counseling students in training. I can't find it. I remember that it defined levels of personal power, and I would really like to read it again. From what I could remember:

Level 1 - no sense of personal power, all power is perceived as belonging to someone else such as a supervisor
Level 2 - beginning to act using power perceived as coming from supervisor or other source
Level 3 - first realization of own power and ability to use power - afraid of losing or giving up personal power or to share power with others (it sounded like people at this stage coul dhave the potential to be overly controlling and even engage in some bullying or inappropriate use of power)
Level 4 - secure enough in own sense of personal power to take an interest in empowering others
Level 5 - in control, able to wield power effectively while actively building power in others - power is shared
Level 6 - realization that all power is shared power and personal power is no longer relevant

It went something like that. I feel that I am still at level 1, and don't know how to move beyond. I'm also afraid of level 3, as it sounds like level 3 people are not very nice, and the description reminded me of a boss I had who seemed to be in charge and in control, but could not stand for other people to be successful, was not really IMO qualified for her own job, and was only willing to promote people who were unqualified, so that she could keep people down who might be potential threats to her. And I might hesitate to move through these stages because I don't ever want to be like that.