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#1
May 22, 2009, 06:59 AM
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People say that it is not my fault..But it is..And I know it is..Nobody understands...It is my fault..I let it go on for years...I told and no one beleived me...but when they told they were believed..Why what did I do that I was called the liar...Why?
The voices I hear...They are Them...Them saying how when they find me that it will happen...I am in the closet..i can hear them and I know that I will be found soon and it will be bad..it will happen...and I will cry afterwards and then I will be hit...I will be hit because I can not tell Mom why i am crying...Grandma and Grandpa they were safe...Being on the Farm was not safe..But if I would have just stayed in the house instead of going up to the treehouse...I just wanted to do the drugs...They made everything better...No one knows any of this and as I am writing this I feel I should stop but the real me needs to come out...I wrote a poem that says sex and drugs are part of me...And that I will never fit my family's diagram...And that is true...When I have sex I feel loved...Even if it hurts...even if it is someone I do not know.. I remember being in the ceiling..I remember how I use to beable to shut my emotions off. But now...now I feel I have no control over them... I know that some day they will do it again and I will not tell anyone because no one beleived me...Oh but they other girls were beleived...The boys they never got into trouble..I was the one that was taken away...It still goes on...perhaps not with the boys but it does happen...With other people and because of my past and because I am mentally ill...because I am a borderline...Everything I say...It means nothing...Nothing at all...Yup...just nothing at all |
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#2
May 22, 2009, 10:37 AM
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__________________
Don't let your problems or the world make you feel small. Stretch your arms out over your head. Take a deep breathe. Tell yourself that you are big. You are big, not small. You always have space, you are not trapped........ I'm an ISFJ |
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#3
May 22, 2009, 01:21 PM
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Anyway, now reflecting back on these experiences she and I responded very differently to the abuse. Me I became distant, distrustful, disconnected from caring about anyone or anything. She on the other hand responded in an opposition manner. She became docile, needy, clingy, and despirately sought love from others. I have one memory of a sleepover where the two of us got into a fight. We were really young and like I said... I had become a real little ****** and if the memory is accurate I was being mean to her. Later after the fight I guess things had settled down and we went to bed. I remember her trying to touch me in the privates. This resulted in me flipping out and totally rejecting her for a second time and but much more aggressively. When I remember this earlier this year... it kind of flipped me out because until this I had always remembered this friend as my guardian, protector. How could she possibly be one of my abusers too? This memory really threw me for a loop for several months and I avoided communicating with this friend for a while. I then realize I was behaving the same way I had as a child- reject and withdraw. As I've reflected over the past few months, it does seem as bad and I've felt more comfortable reconnecting with this friend again. IDK.. my friend was abused, craving love and acceptance from her family and peers and no recieving it. I think at the time she was just doing what she had learned to do. IDK, maybe she wasn't really trying to hurt me...but instead just trying to reconnect and repair the rife that had occurred between us. With the boys and maybe even in her own home, this is how she had learned to feel connected, to repair relationship, gain acceptance, and to avoid rejection. I haven't talk about this memory with my T because... maybe I don't want to really explore it and possibly find out these conclusions are not accurate. At this point... I see my disconnectedness and her placation as unfortunate, regretible behaviors that an 8 and a 10 year old created to cope with life at the time. We didn't know any better.
__________________
"Joy is your sole's knowledge that if you don't get the promotion, keep the relationship, or buy the house, it's because you weren't meant to.You're meant to have something better, something richer, something deeper, Something More." (Sara Ban Breathnach) |
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#4
May 22, 2009, 10:58 PM
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It went on for years, but it wasn't your fault that it happened for that long. You tried to get help. You tried to make people understand. Not your fault. ((((((((((((((LLL1985))))))))))))))))
__________________
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#5
May 24, 2009, 04:36 PM
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I can relate to how you're feeling, but ~ you didn't ask for it. You tried to stand up for yourself, and no one supported you.  It makes me mad too! There are people out there who do care.  Shez |
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This is an old thread. You probably should not post your reply to it, as the original poster is unlikely to see it.|
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