Links to Online Articles

sabby · Jul 18, 2009 at 11:04 PM

Elysium had a good idea about posting a sticky thread for links to articles regarding abuse.

Here is her link to an article describing covert sexual abuse.

http://ezinearticles.com/?Sexual-Abu...orms&id=382309

Please folks, be aware that some of the information may be quite triggering, so please enter and read with self care in mind.

If anyone else would like to post links that you found helpful and would like to share them with the community, please feel free to do so.

sabby

Elysium · Jul 19, 2009 at 02:43 AM

Sabby,

Thank you for posting this sticky for us.

To everyone else....I know this is not something anyone really enjoys reading, or talking about. I do hope it can help survivors of abuse to validate their experiences and provide a place were people with questions can come to learn.

Take care all....

little*rhino · Jul 22, 2009 at 01:16 AM

for those in abusive relationships... this is a very eye opening read too... scroll down.. and explore the whole site.. it changed my world
http://samvak.tripod.com/abuse.html

mennayriu · Dec 25, 2009 at 12:31 AM

WOW. Thank you for posting that.

TRIGGER WARNING

"In his seminal essay, "Understanding the Batterer in Visitation and Custody Disputes", Lundy Bancroft sums up the asymmetry in favor of the offender: "Batterers ... adopt the role of a hurt, sensitive man who doesn't understand how things got so bad and just wants to work it all out 'for the good of the children.' He may cry ... and use language that demonstrates considerable insight into his own feelings. He is likely to be skilled at explaining how other people have turned the victim against him, and how she is denying him access to the children as a form of revenge ... He commonly accuses her of having mental health problems, and may state that her family and friends agree with him ... that she is hysterical and that she is promiscuous. The abuser tends to be comfortable lying, having years of practice, and so can sound believable when making baseless statements. The abuser benefits ... when professionals believe that they can "just tell" who is lying and who is telling the truth, and so fail to adequately investigate.
Because of the effects of trauma, the victim of battering will often seem hostile, disjointed, and agitated, while the abuser appears friendly, articulate, and calm. Evaluators are thus tempted to conclude that the victim is the source of the problems in the relationship."

I cannot even begin to say how completely accurate this statement is concerning what my ex is doing to me AND his other child's mother.

Shadow13 · Jan 30, 2014 at 01:58 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by mennayriu

WOW. Thank you for posting that.

TRIGGER WARNING

"In his seminal essay, "Understanding the Batterer in Visitation and Custody Disputes", Lundy Bancroft sums up the asymmetry in favor of the offender: "Batterers ... adopt the role of a hurt, sensitive man who doesn't understand how things got so bad and just wants to work it all out 'for the good of the children.' He may cry ... and use language that demonstrates considerable insight into his own feelings. He is likely to be skilled at explaining how other people have turned the victim against him, and how she is denying him access to the children as a form of revenge ... He commonly accuses her of having mental health problems, and may state that her family and friends agree with him ... that she is hysterical and that she is promiscuous. The abuser tends to be comfortable lying, having years of practice, and so can sound believable when making baseless statements. The abuser benefits ... when professionals believe that they can "just tell" who is lying and who is telling the truth, and so fail to adequately investigate.
Because of the effects of trauma, the victim of battering will often seem hostile, disjointed, and agitated, while the abuser appears friendly, articulate, and calm. Evaluators are thus tempted to conclude that the victim is the source of the problems in the relationship."

I cannot even begin to say how completely accurate this statement is concerning what my ex is doing to me AND his other child's mother.

This post gutted me. I saw the trigger warning, decided to read it anyway. But I thank you for posting it, it validates my experiences.

Sent from my SM-N900V using Tapatalk

Rhiannon10 · Mar 22, 2014 at 05:30 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by mennayriu

WOW. Thank you for posting that.

TRIGGER WARNING

"In his seminal essay, "Understanding the Batterer in Visitation and Custody Disputes", Lundy Bancroft sums up the asymmetry in favor of the offender: "Batterers ... adopt the role of a hurt, sensitive man who doesn't understand how things got so bad and just wants to work it all out 'for the good of the children.' He may cry ... and use language that demonstrates considerable insight into his own feelings. He is likely to be skilled at explaining how other people have turned the victim against him, and how she is denying him access to the children as a form of revenge ... He commonly accuses her of having mental health problems, and may state that her family and friends agree with him ... that she is hysterical and that she is promiscuous. The abuser tends to be comfortable lying, having years of practice, and so can sound believable when making baseless statements. The abuser benefits ... when professionals believe that they can "just tell" who is lying and who is telling the truth, and so fail to adequately investigate.
Because of the effects of trauma, the victim of battering will often seem hostile, disjointed, and agitated, while the abuser appears friendly, articulate, and calm. Evaluators are thus tempted to conclude that the victim is the source of the problems in the relationship."

I cannot even begin to say how completely accurate this statement is concerning what my ex is doing to me AND his other child's mother.

I absolutely have to agree with this statement so much since my ex Did Do that to me and won custody of my daughter only for 9yrs later school social worker calls me and tells me my daughter is now the one being abused. Such a wonderful legal system we have!!

Buffy01 · Mar 26, 2019 at 03:32 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by little*rhino

for those in abusive relationships... this is a very eye opening read too... scroll down.. and explore the whole site.. it changed my world
What is Abuse? - Emotional, Verbal, and Psychological Abuse, Narcissism, Pathological Narcissism, The Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), the Narcissist, and Relationships with Abusive Narcissists and Psychopaths

Thanks for the article!

darkrunner · Jul 22, 2009 at 11:04 AM

Thank you, Sabby and Elysium, for posting this article....
but I am confused by part of it....

TRIGGER WARNING

One of the examples of subtle or 'covert' SA is:

Quote:

seemingly innocuous touching, wrestling, tickling or playing, which has sexual overtones or meaning for the other person

How can you possibly know if the "seemingly innocuous touching" had sexual overtones or meaning for the other person? Especially if it is 30 years after the fact? But even during the touching.....how do you really know the thoughts and intent of another person?

Thanks to anyone who can help with an answer,
kt

little*rhino · 05:22 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ktgirl

How can you possibly know if the "seemingly innocuous touching" had sexual overtones or meaning for the other person? Especially if it is 30 years after the fact? But even during the touching.....how do you really know the thoughts and intent of another person?

You can't. None of this is black and white, or rarely is. One of the biggest hurdles in this stuff is discovering that you have to decide for yourself based on evidence... both concrete and circumstantial. You have to find your truth and then believe in it.. it's not easy.

you can't know what is in someone's mind.. MY T said that if you hit me you may not be intending to hurt me but if you do hit me the chances are that you probably are trying to hurt me. Something in it made a lot of sense.. we feel the energy of those around us, anger, sexual, everything... we sort of sense things. There is an awkwardness that most children will pick up on.. that somethnig isn't right. Small kids wouldn't even know some things are wrong.. but there is soemthing in it that makes them feel it is wrong somehow.

dont know if this helps

darkrunner · Jul 22, 2009 at 06:09 PM

TY Little Rhino........
it helps.

*PeaceLily* · Nov 17, 2014 at 07:24 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by little*rhino

You can't. None of this is black and white, or rarely is. One of the biggest hurdles in this stuff is discovering that you have to decide for yourself based on evidence... both concrete and circumstantial. You have to find your truth and then believe in it.. it's not easy.

you can't know what is in someone's mind.. MY T said that if you hit me you may not be intending to hurt me but if you do hit me the chances are that you probably are trying to hurt me. Something in it made a lot of sense.. we feel the energy of those around us, anger, sexual, everything... we sort of sense things. There is an awkwardness that most children will pick up on.. that somethnig isn't right. Small kids wouldn't even know some things are wrong.. but there is soemthing in it that makes them feel it is wrong somehow.

dont know if this helps

Thanks for this post. I had described it as 'not feeling right'. I know what you mean about sensing that something is 'off'.

xx

Buffy01 · Nov 21, 2022 at 10:46 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by little*rhino

You can't. None of this is black and white, or rarely is. One of the biggest hurdles in this stuff is discovering that you have to decide for yourself based on evidence... both concrete and circumstantial. You have to find your truth and then believe in it.. it's not easy.

you can't know what is in someone's mind.. MY T said that if you hit me you may not be intending to hurt me but if you do hit me the chances are that you probably are trying to hurt me. Something in it made a lot of sense.. we feel the energy of those around us, anger, sexual, everything... we sort of sense things. There is an awkwardness that most children will pick up on.. that somethnig isn't right. Small kids wouldn't even know some things are wrong.. but there is soemthing in it that makes them feel it is wrong somehow.

dont know if this helps

:hug:

Very wise words.

Kmbpeace1171 · Aug 07, 2011 at 10:29 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by darkrunner

Thank you, Sabby and Elysium, for posting this article....
but I am confused by part of it....

TRIGGER WARNING

One of the examples of subtle or 'covert' SA is:

How can you possibly know if the "seemingly innocuous touching" had sexual overtones or meaning for the other person? Especially if it is 30 years after the fact? But even during the touching.....how do you really know the thoughts and intent of another person?

Thanks to anyone who can help with an answer
kt

This really struck a nerve when I read that my jaw dropped and heart raced

Buffy01 · Mar 26, 2019 at 03:33 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by darkrunner

Thank you, Sabby and Elysium, for posting this article....
but I am confused by part of it....

TRIGGER WARNING

One of the examples of subtle or 'covert' SA is:

How can you possibly know if the "seemingly innocuous touching" had sexual overtones or meaning for the other person? Especially if it is 30 years after the fact? But even during the touching.....how do you really know the thoughts and intent of another person?

Thanks to anyone who can help with an answer,
kt

That a great question to ask!

Gabi925 · Jan 11, 2010 at 10:13 PM

Both of you you have had a good idea to gather the links here so they could be also find easily and maybe also checked and/or searched for their relevance:

http://www.vachss.com/help_text/index.html

On the above site - that I think it's one of the best on the topic, I have read a lot about abuse. There, I read also an article about an organization that was supposed to help the abused ones but that actually did the contrary...

Here is another link that I found on a recent posted thread; I think it's a good one too:

http://forums.psychcentral.com/showp...23&postcount=1

Quote:

Originally Posted by _sabby_

Elysium had a good idea about posting a sticky thread for links to articles regarding abuse.

Here is her link to an article describing covert sexual abuse.

http://ezinearticles.com/?Sexual-Abu...orms&id=382309

Please folks, be aware that some of the information may be quite triggering, so please enter and read with self care in mind.

If anyone else would like to post links that you found helpful and would like to share them with the community, please feel free to do so.

sabby

jexa · Jan 24, 2010 at 12:52 PM

I just wanted to add this. It's not an article, it's a manual you can download for free.. reading through it, it is very helpful.

http://www.ascasupport.org/manual.php

haier · Feb 11, 2012 at 12:14 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jexa

I just wanted to add this. It's not an article, it's a manual you can download for free.. reading through it, it is very helpful.

http://www.ascasupport.org/manual.php

Thank you so much for this, I really needed something like this. Thank you, you have no idea how much this is helping me. Thank you!

Mar 18, 2010 at 01:49 PM

Elysium, thank you for suggesting the idea of posting links for articles about abuse, and
sabby, thank you for posting that link about covert sexual abuse.

WePow · Mar 20, 2010 at 02:19 PM

T Recommended Resource !!!

The Emotional Incest Syndrome: What to do When a Parent's Love Rules Your Life (Paperback) Dr. Patricia Love

http://www.amazon.com/Emotional-Ince...9112706&sr=1-1

AtreyuFreak · Apr 01, 2010 at 05:20 PM

This site has several quotes from Secret Survivors: Uncovering Incest and Its After Effects in Women by E. Sue Blume. I actually rented this book on my own time and though I was triggered by it and so couldn't get through the whole thing, there were several descriptions by her that I loved. Definitely a worthwhile read, if you can handle it. Makes a lot of great points that I (and my best friend/story twin) could really identify with.

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Elysium Where the HELL are we? Member Since Mar 2009 Location: So Cal Posts: 3,342 15 29 hugs given	Jul 19, 2009 at 02:43 AM #2 Sabby, Thank you for posting this sticky for us. To everyone else....I know this is not something anyone really enjoys reading, or talking about. I do hope it can help survivors of abuse to validate their experiences and provide a place were people with questions can come to learn. Take care all.... __________________
	Reply With Quote

darkrunner Magnate Member Since Jul 2008 Posts: 2,259 15 2 hugs given	Jul 22, 2009 at 06:09 PM #10 TY Little Rhino........ it helps.
	Reply With Quote

jexa Grand Poohbah Member Since Sep 2009 Posts: 1,660 14 4 hugs given	Jan 24, 2010 at 12:52 PM #16 I just wanted to add this. It's not an article, it's a manual you can download for free.. reading through it, it is very helpful. http://www.ascasupport.org/manual.php __________________ He who trims himself to suit everyone will soon whittle himself away.
	Reply With Quote

Anonymous32727 Guest Posts: n/a	Mar 18, 2010 at 01:49 PM #18 Elysium, thank you for suggesting the idea of posting links for articles about abuse, and sabby, thank you for posting that link about covert sexual abuse.
	Reply With Quote

WePow Elder Member Since Oct 2006 Location: Everywhere and Nowhere Posts: 6,588 17 1,740 hugs given	Mar 20, 2010 at 02:19 PM #19 T Recommended Resource !!! The Emotional Incest Syndrome: What to do When a Parent's Love Rules Your Life (Paperback) Dr. Patricia Love http://www.amazon.com/Emotional-Ince...9112706&sr=1-1
	Reply With Quote