[del12]

My father is my abuser(verbal/emotional). Even as an adult he still verbally abused me. During the past year I decided it was time to take a break and not see him. I haven't talked to him for quiite a long time. I now am facing a decision and I don't know what to do. His birthday is next month(he is in his 80's) and last week his wife(who is also an totally manipulative "B..." and will do anything to destroy his relationship with his family.) sent an invitation to his B'Day party and called leaving a message wanting an immediate RSVP. My first reaction was anger. Then the guilt set in. I decided to sit on it for awhile before I made a decision.
I don't think I am ready to face him, but there is a part of me that fears going against his wishes. I really want to feel strong and be able to stand up for me before putting myself in that awful situation. Oh this whole situation has brought back so many doubts when I thought I was really making progress. How do you make a decision like this? Any thoughts?

[phoenix7]

Hi Del12 - do you have a T? could be worth discussing it with them if you do

Sounds like there will be lots of peopple there - could you go wiht someone whoi can keep an eye out for you and stay as long as you felt comfortable?

let us know what you decide ok

P7

[del12]

Yes I have a T and plan to discuss it next time we meet. It is not so much that I fear for me and what he will do because there wil be so many people he will be on his best behavior. It is the fact that I have taken steps to get myself healthy and by going I feel like I am just giving into the "what would I good daughter do". Also I am working on the whole it's my fault and guilt and it has been just in the past few months that I feel okay about my choices and now all those old self doubts are coming back. By going will I be giving into the "old ways"?

[phoenix7]

thats a hard question....... if you are going for duty and responsibility prob then yes.

If you are going because - no matter what he ndid cos he's your dad (and it hurts to say that - its what i feel about my dad but i dont know if its true)

I dont know....... do what you feel is right - maybe go and stay long enough to be respectful.....not that he deserves respect if he was abusive......see Im no help.... sorry I guess I just want you to know you are not alone.

When my dad was dieing I went to see him cos I knew I would be guilt riddena dn never forgive myself if I didnt - si I guess it was for a selfish reason I went to see him - but I did what I knew I had to do - maybe you already know the answer to your question.... dont overthink it

keep in touch

[emilyjeanne]

Originally Posted by del12

Yes I have a T and plan to discuss it next time we meet. It is not so much that I fear for me and what he will do because there wil be so many people he will be on his best behavior. It is the fact that I have taken steps to get myself healthy and by going I feel like I am just giving into the "what would I good daughter do". Also I am working on the whole it's my fault and guilt and it has been just in the past few months that I feel okay about my choices and now all those old self doubts are coming back. By going will I be giving into the "old ways"?

Do what feels good for you. I haven't had contact with my father/abuser in several years. However, it doesn't mean that I don't think about him on his birthday or christmas. I have made the choice not to see him. Which I think has made me a healthier person.

Talk to your T and do what feels right for you.

[cajun]

Originally Posted by del12

My father is my abuser(verbal/emotional). Even as an adult he still verbally abused me. During the past year I decided it was time to take a break and not see him. I haven't talked to him for quiite a long time. I now am facing a decision and I don't know what to do. His birthday is next month(he is in his 80's) and last week his wife(who is also an totally manipulative "B..." and will do anything to destroy his relationship with his family.) sent an invitation to his B'Day party and called leaving a message wanting an immediate RSVP. My first reaction was anger. Then the guilt set in. I decided to sit on it for awhile before I made a decision.
I don't think I am ready to face him, but there is a part of me that fears going against his wishes. I really want to feel strong and be able to stand up for me before putting myself in that awful situation. Oh this whole situation has brought back so many doubts when I thought I was really making progress. How do you make a decision like this? Any thoughts?

If your father is in his 80s, he's not likely to change. However, he also doesn't have many years left to live. If it were me, I would go and wish him a happy birthday and just see how it goes. If it goes well, you won't have an issue. If it doesn't go well you can slip out and leave. There will be many other people there. I had a verbally and physically abusive father as well, so I know where you are coming from. I would rather take the chance on a bad experience than regret not having gone after it is too late. Just my two cents.

[Pomegranate]

If you don't feel ready, respect yourself. Do you really feel up to walking into a situation and having that same old hammer bang down on your head again? If you think you can do it, and WANT to, then sure, go! But if you don't WANT to and would feel bad about yourself and your father if you jump back onto that same merry-go-round, don't do that to yourself again. Take care of yourself and do what is best for you. Your father does not give you the consideration of respecting and caring for your feelings, he does not deserve your consideration.

[Sannah]

I would suggest you doing what is right for you, not doing it because of what he might need or what you think you should do............

[Fuzzybear]