[Typo]

I'm tired of this, this constant berating

I've had enough, I was having a good morning, and then of course she calls

Love you too mom...(sarcasm)

I woke up late this morning, it's been a long weekend, I've been working a lot of hours at my job this weekend, it was a busy weekend and I'm the one there with the most experince, so I've been pulling long hard hours, coming home eating, and going back for a few more then passing out in my bed to wake up early and start the process over.

Today I went back to school after the holiday weekend, I woke up late, scrambled around getting dressed, and ran out the door, in my hurried process I forgot to fully close the back door.

My mom just called me, yelled at me, telling me I better grow up, that I have to quit being so irresponsible, that I have to get my head out my *** sometimes and look behind me, all that for leaving the back door cracked by accident.

Then she has the nerve after making me feel like the scum of the earth, to say "I love you, have a great day"

WTF???!!!

What the hell gives her permission to completly destroy me emotionally then wish me a good day and say she loves me?

I find it hard to believe my mom loves me as much as she says she does, with all the emotional beat downs she puts on me. I could lay golden eggs and she would still trash me and find ways to knock me down.

Everywhere I turn she is finding a flaw, she is finding a mistake, and not only current mistakes, nooo, she brings up every little mistake from my past. I got the news I was going to get to go back to college this year, she hugged me and was excited, then said "your not going to be an idoit this time right? I know it's hard for you to actually apply yourself and make some sort of sucess out of yourself, so just quit being a screw up for once and get this right"

Gee thanks for your support Mom

Not only does she emotionally destroy me, she has done so to my dad too, to the point my dad just lurks around the house and is throughly depress, she does my little sister too, which I have gotten in many fights with her about, my little sister though, doesn't seem to get it as bad as me or my father.

I"m sick of this constant emotional abuse from her, being told I'm a child (I"m going to be 20, and I financially help out my parents) I don't know anything, I'm just stupid, I'm fat, I'm a silly dreamer. I"m sick of being told everything I do is wrong, that I'm wrong, that I"m not good enough,

I'm never going to make her happy, nothing I do will ever make her happy, she is never going to love me for who I am, she loves me for the fact that maybe someday I will turn out like SHE wants me to....

And now I feel guilty, for saying these things about my own mother, I've always been told you don't speak ill of your family, that idology has been set into me from the time I was a child, "We don't talk about this outside of the dinner table" after years of hearing that saying, I still believe it and I feel like some dirty trashy traitor for talking bad of my family,

I just want for once, my mom to be proud of my sucesses, just for once, I would like my whole family to just care for me unconditionally, like familes are suppose to...

[Sannah]

Sparrow, can you tell your mom any of this?????? She won't know unless you tell her........

[Typo]

I have tried before Sannah, many times in the past year or so, so has my dad,

It's like there is no getting thru to her, after you first talk to her, she gets upset and promises to be better, than an hour later she is yelling at me telling me I'm the child I have no clue what I'm talking about

My energy is about spent up, I"m working really hard to bond with her, take her in as part of my life, but I can't keep trying if she keeps pushing, at some point I have to start looking out for my well being, my dad knows very well once I'm moved out of their house I won't be coming back, and he encourages me to not, to get as far away as I can. I"ve really worked past the anger and resentment I've held against them both for failing to protect me as a child, and I"ve been working on bonding and letting them in my life, it seems I forgot the separate issues that was at hand besides my own hang ups with them....

[complic8d]

(((((((Silversparrow)))))))
How anyone can talk that way to someone else, especially someone they supposedly love, is beyond me. Words can hurt so, so much.
I feel for you and hope you can get out of the situation. You can't change her, but you can do the healthy things for you.
Please take care.

[Sannah]

You can't get close to someone who isn't able. I gave up wanting to get close to my mom a long time ago.

Is there any way that you can strengthen yourself against her attacks????? Like by reminding yourself who you are dealing with and telling yourself that she has the problem and you can't take her opinions or behaviors personally because she can't be respected like that??????

[FooZe]

(((((((Sparrow)))))))

From what else you've said, it sounds as if this is far from the first time your mom's treated you this way. What seems most different about this time is that recently you've been busy looking at issues of how people treat you and how you want to be treated. Now your mom's gone and handed you this example, like a roadkill skunk on a silver platter, to examine and watch yourself react to. Lots of great leads there; don't stop, keep following them.

[Seabirdanne]

[quote=Fool Zero;1131626Now your mom's gone and handed you this example, like a roadkill skunk on a silver platter, to examine and watch yourself react to.
[/quote]

Like a roadkill skunk on a silver platter.

I just found this thread, Silversparrow, and I'm sorry this happened to you. I think you're outgrowing your mom. It has to happen; it's just too bad it's way more bitter than sweet.

((((((((((((((((Silversparrow)))))))))))))))))))

Hi Sliversparrow

your mom's behaviour sounds so familiar. My insides get all clenched just reading about her attacks on you. I am 49 and I still live in fear of my mother turning on me like that again.
I hope you will not be living at home for too much longer. I hope you will also do whatever you can to protect yourself from her attacks. You don't deserve any of it. And you have every right to talk about her wherever you can. From where I sit, you are just telling your own truth. A painful one that will only fester if you try to be a 'good girl' and keep it all to yourself.
I am not one for these little huggy icons...but I am crying for you...and me and all of us. Please be kind to yourself.

[turquoisesea]

maybe you shouldn't be trying so hard to get love and support from her, as getting love and support from yourself. And finding a way to put a barrier so that she doesn't hurt you quite so much.

Normally I wouldn't say that, but for me and my mom I was the one who had to get better. I was the one that had to grow and change enough to be "ok" i that house again. That was after being gone most of the year, and she changed on her own too. So I got lucky.

Just make sure you realize that getting her approval isn't the most important thing, it's being ok with yourself

[Typo]

Thank you all for your responses.

I"m trying to ignore her words, but that little girl in me wants so bad to make her happy,

My mom's lack of respect for me has taught my little sister she doesn't have to respect me, I practically raised my sister, I'm like a third parent almost (that is another complication in my relationship with my family, me and my sisters' relationship, she accidently calls me mom all the time and I feel confused to if I should parent her or be a sister) but here with my mom's constnat triads against me, my little sister is now disrespecting me and is rude to me.

I'm tired of this, I want to break into tears, what did I do wrong?

Why is it nothing is ever enough, I know I can't please her, and most of the time I'm okay with her never being happy with anything I do, because I am happy, but here lately I'm feeling so small and vunerable I just want someone to love me, take care of me, be there for me,

Why am I always alone? Why does all this hurt so much?

It really breaks my heart, and I try to not let it, but it does

I was and never have been a bad kid or rebelious, I never gave my parents reason to worry, never broke curfew, never got in trouble at school or with the cops, I gave up a lot of things to help my family out at a young age, and my mom denies those things, says I'm being overdramatic or I just think I have it hard. She says I know nothing about life, I'm sheltered and I wouldn't last five seconds out in the real world... if only she knew the things I have been thru.

What did I do to her, that is so very wrong? What did I say to her to be treated like this most of my life?

I feel like I"m being punished all the time by her, I want out, but I don't have a way out.

I've gotten where most of the time I can ignore her, block her out, but sometimes no matter how hard I try, it's the straw that breaks the camel's back, it's that last little thing that pushes me over the edge, sometimes no matter how hard I try or plug my ears her words break through and I crumble.

I just want a mom, I've tried to repair the relationship, tried so hard, but it's draining me, I am never going to have my mom, not in a healthy way...

It's hard to accept that, because I do love her, and she has done things for me, she hasn't been all bad, it just seems teh damage she does out weighs the good sometimes....

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by Silversparrow

that little girl in me wants so bad to make her happy,

My mom's lack of respect for me has taught my little sister she doesn't have to respect me,
I feel confused to if I should parent her or be a sister

what did I do wrong?
Why is it nothing is ever enough,

here lately I'm feeling so small and vunerable I just want someone to love me, take care of me, be there for me,

Why am I always alone? Why does all this hurt so much?
It really breaks my heart

What did I do to her, that is so very wrong? What did I say to her to be treated like this most of my life?
I feel like I"m being punished all the time by her, I want out, but I don't have a way out.

I just want a mom, I've tried to repair the relationship, tried so hard, but it's draining me, I am never going to have my mom, not in a healthy way...

It's hard to accept that, because I do love her, and she has done things for me, she hasn't been all bad, it just seems teh damage she does out weighs the good sometimes....

You didn't do anything wrong Sparrow. You were just dealt a mom who has issues that cause her to hurt you.

How can you take care of that little girl so she isn't so vulnerable?

When do you start therapy again?

[Seabirdanne]

Oh, Sparrow.

It's not your fault and no one can tell you how to come to terms with your mother's behavior. And it's your mother's loss, Sparrow, that she can't appreciate you. But it is what it is and it's not going to change, so you need to focus on yourself, on taking care of yourself and possibly getting yourself out of there.

((((((((((((((((Sparrow))))))))))))))))))))) Take care of yourself.

[Kiya]

(((((((((((((((((((((Silver sister))))))))))))))))))))))))

things i see as an outsider: you could write all that in a letter and give it to your mom because sometimes people just don;t see things until it's under their noses. you could try telling her. or you can think of your "familiy" as those of us here who support you and your close friends IRL.
many many hugs!!!!!!

[del12]

Silversparrow
I am and have been where you are with my father. It took me many many years to realize that I deserve and have the right to be respected and I don't have to take the abuse. I am still working on all the damage my father has done by constantly emotionally abusing me. It has been a while since I have seen or talked to him. It is hard and I often feel very guilty (th old honor your parents thing). It is so hard not to let the words of the abuser to affect you. You are a good person and you deserve to be treated with respect. It doesn't matter what you do. One thing my T has told me to try is once my father starts in on me to say "STOP! this is not okay. " and to walk away or hang up or whatever I need to get away from the situation. I never tried it because I chose to walk out of his life. I realized that some where deep down inside him he does love me and cares for me just as I love him and care for him, but he doesn't know how to show it for whatever reasons. It doesn't matter why they do it what they do. They are sick and need help. But the most important thing is for you to take care of you. I wish I had known this and maybe I wouldn't feel the way I do about myself. We are all here for you. Take care of yourself. Walk away if you need to. You are worth so much more than the pain she inflicts on you.

[multipixie9]

Silversparrow,

My "mom" was very similar. She was highly abusive in every kind of way. I know how badly it hurts to not be accepted and loved by the one who gave you physical life.

It took a long time to realized she was never a mother and she was incapable of genuine love. She too did some few good things, but she abused so much more than she did good.

It isn't your fault, she was who she was before you were born. She is a toxic person. My "mom's" bitterness spilled into my life and she demanded i be her confidante, listening to her bitter diatribes and her constant fears of just about everything. She was a "no" person and held me back as much as she could while teaching me little to get along in life. I wasn't even allowed company. It was a sick family.

Silver, it is like trying to bond love to hate - it just will not mix, oil and water. The struggle to get her to give you what you need and want is exhausting you and it will not give you what you want so bad. This is such a painful lesson to learn. It is NOT about you. She is ALL about her. Words of love mean nothing after meanness. It is like hitting you and then expecting an I love you to make it all OK.

My mom died and my issues exploded and I will never work any of them out with her. I miss having a mother; I never miss the woman who gave life to me. She was cruel. I am a mother and I will NOT tear my daughters down like that. I have faults, but I value my daughters and hope to be in their lives forever because they are important to me. I lost 3 pregnancies so I know loss and want to be good to them.

I would love to have a surrogate mom, but for now I take what love comes my way and do the best I can. My relationship with God is what keeps me grounded, so I am not loveless. I love and am loved by my daughters and God and sometimes my spouse. I'm loved by many here and it is such a good thing.

Silver, you will be loved. You won't be alone forever and You DO deserve to be respected and loved.