Am I being abused?

I agree with Elysium -

my sister was in an abusive relationship - she left him a few times and told me all the horrible things she was doing - then he would be nice and she would say she loved him and he was changing and went back and denied the things she had told me.

When you are used to looking over your shoulder you start wondering who might be reading this thread - whether they could identify you and tell your other half - i think this is what happened - feeling safe is a necessity

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I reall hope you find a positive solution to your problem and i hope you can come back and let us know how you are.

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Yes you are, my ex was very clever i never for one minute thought that what he was doing was domestic violence. He started off not letting me see my friends,my family,he made me leave my job. He actually used to make me sit on the floor to eat and i wasnt alllowed to watch tv. When he went on holiday with his friends he made me move out bcos i wasnt allowed in the house by myself. Bcos he didnt hit me i thought it was ok.

He had all of my money so he knew i couldnt leave and when i wen to college i had to go home on breaks and lunches so he knew i wasnt lying.

Then one day he lost it,he dragged me out the bath naked,bit me,hit me,threw me down the stairs,luckily a neighbour called the police and it was only when i was giving a statement that i realised what he had bee doing to me was abuse. Walk away now bcos it took me so long that the damage was already done,

Hope this helps xx

I think you are caught in a difficult situation. You really care about this guy and I am sure you really hope he will get better. In the meantime you live in hope. And this is not enough. You deserve more. Maybe leave and let him do his own work on getting better and then if 6 months down the line you meet again and he is indeed better you can see if you have a future together. As it is it sounds to me that the way things are at the moment you are risking your well being, your livelihood and even your life. Please look after yourself. You know - its not a crime to put yourself first. Its the only right thing to do in your situation. Please take care and keep posting if it helps xxx

If you see this can you please let know that you are OK?

You said he "didn't stop" when yu told him to (but did the 3rd time). This is rape. This is abuse. Choking you is abuse. Couples counseling is RARELY a good idea. He needs help for HIS issues, and until that happens going together is a bad idea. The Verbally Abusive Relationship saved my life after 31 years of abuse.

He is also paranoid...excruciatingly insecure and the issue is CONTROL.

He is dangerous. When we are in it, it doesn't seem that bad.

1 in 3 women are being abused and every 9 seconds a woman is assaulted. I would suggest calling a women's shelter or domestic violene hotline and listening to what they have to say.

I am also the moderator of an abused survivors' group and have written 3 papers on abuse. Education is the key. Once you get educated as to what abuse is and does...you can make good decisions for your life.

You say this guy loves you. Love is NOT abuse. He isn't capable of loving anyone right now. He needs you....like a vampire needs his "supply"----meaning they need you to constantly reassure them and defend yourself.

He is an abuser with so many issues. It is unlikely that he will change. Abusers rarely do, unless they spend years in therapy dealing with their issues. How much time do you want to spend waiting?

He is an abuser. He raped you. He choked you. He is paranoid. He is unstable. He is dangerous. When you love someone you do NOT abuse them. What if he chokes you again and doesn't stop/

Scary thoughts, but don't bury your head in the sand. Take control of your life and get help, information and advice from a professiional, domestic violence hotline, etc.....

I agree with what's been said. I don't care if he has a mental disorder. I do too, but if I abused someone it would still be my fault. I have enough sense to know right from wrong, and so does he. Don't let him use mental illness as an excuse.

A three month ultimatum is fine as far as it goes, but what if he sees it as a probationary period, waits it out, then abuses you again after the three months? Will you leave him then? I hope so. Don't allow anyone into your life who doesn't respect you, and mental illness is no excuse.

"He's really good to me most of the time" is like saying, "He's perfectly healthy except he has one small cancer."