Obsessive

I need to vent a little.

I obsessively wonder about what my dad would think of me if he saw me now.
I know he'd despise me. I know what he'd want to do to me, what he'd call me, what he'd accuse me of, liken me to.
But, still, I play it over and over again in my head, I make myself listen to all the words he'd call me then, make myself think about how he'd punish me, how they'd all punish me. Over and over again it plays in my mind.
I try to be free from the past but it never stops preying on my mind. Sometimes I can enjoy something else for a bit- go out with my friends, watch a film, do some work- but then it always comes back. The words, the smells, the touch. It's disgusting, sickening. I'm defenseless to the memories.

My friends, my date, the people close to me are good to me. They help me when I let them, they laugh with me, joke with me.
It almost bothers me- I feel so ill sometimes, so dirtied and marked- how could anyone possibly want to associate with me, with this. How could anyone? I don't feel like a human sometimes, I don't feel like a living thing- I feel like some gross symbol of the abuse, some discarded, used object, a defenseless victim.

And I still hear his words echo in my head.

Fenrir,

It is really hard to not feel like a victim when the past remains so haunting in the present. I too live with the memories and the feelings and the terror, trying in vain to eliminate the things in my life that might be reminders or triggers. But since the color grey is a reminder ... it doesn't go away. The truth of the past will always be just that. It's not fair, but it is the truth.

For me, I tend to act like a victim when I've been triggered badly. I tend to let people take advantage of me, I deprive myself of basic comforts like sleep and food and friendships.

But we deserve better. So I will continue to fight back and reclaim my life and my sanity one day at a time.

I'm sorry for your pain.

be well,

mtd

May you find peace.

Hi Fenrir! You are asking how could they want to. Well they are. It is a fact. Can you start accepting this fact? Everytime that you get this question can you just replace it with these facts - they are associating with you. Nature abhors a vacuum so I would think that these thoughts won't go away unless they are replaced. Maybe this will work with your memories too? When you get started on them have a plan to start thinking about something else, something in the present.......

These were very sick individuals to have perpetrated the acts on a young child. Can you separate sometimes the hear and now and the past? It sounds like you are able to go out and have a good time and forget the past when you are with other people. That is an important ability. Hang in there.

I just thought of something else. I escaped from my past by building a new present (working through my past too, though). Back to the fact that nature abhors a vacuum, if all you have is your past what else do you have? You must have a strong, "independent" present.

(((((((((((Fenrir))))))))) I know your dad hurt you deeply. He instilled into your mind something that was not true. He was wrong.

Think of it this way, his negative accusations were said to you so many times you believed them right? In the end you believe the bad things that people say ... so, start believing your friends love you, start saying the positive things to UNDO the negative things your dad said. Eventually you will start believing the positive. This is how you will move forward my friend, you are a loving, caring and compassionate person, I have SEEN how you have helped others here, I have spoken to you here I know you are kind and caring. Now start saying that to yourself on a daily basis and that positive thought pattern will overtake the rubbish your dad spoke ....

You are NOT alone ... huggies, Kerry xxxx

Hi Fenrir,
that was a very powerful post you wrote and I'm so sorry you're were abused. We rely on our parents to teach us who we are and if we have abusive parents - they teach lies. None of this was your fault and you didn't deserve to be treated like this. Now that you're an adult, you deserve to believe in yourself. You should have be free to believe in yourself when you were a child. With every negative thought, counter it with a postive and eventually break the negative thought patterns. He had no right to take your safety and sense of self away from you. You have the right to reclaim what you were never allowed to find. Surround yourself with good people and be kind to yourself- you're worth it. I wish you peace my friend.

((((((((((((((( Fenrir )))))))))))))))))