[alexxfancher]

Uhm, I'm not sure where to start, and I'm not sure if this is in the right section. But I need help and I need an answer to this question. I don't think I'm going to make it. this is just too much. I can't handle it.

I've been dating this guy Gabe for ten months now. The first month of our relationship sucked. He was mean, controlling, wouldn't let me have friends, always went through my phone, told me what I could and couldn't do. I got tired of his **** really quick, and broke up with him.

We continued talking, and he promised he wouldn't do it again, and we got back together. Stuff was rocky, but most of the time Gabe was so loving toward me, and we were so happy. And I noticed that he wasn't completely mentally stable, so it wasn't his fault that he could be mean. And everything else was just him being overprotective, right?

We ended up moving in together after four or so months, and it started getting a little worse again. He started being more paranoid about what I was doing. I

We talked about him getting mental help because of how he was not okay and because he was treating me bad, and he went inpatient and got put on a medicine which really helped his paranoia. To me it seems like 80% of what he's doing to me is stemming from his Borderline. And as he's getting help it's getting better. We are getting couples therapy which is helping too. I kind of want to leave, but I got laid off my job a few months ago and I can't find another one. And I know that if we just try harder we can make this relationship healthy.

This part is really hard for me to talk about, even online, and for some reason I can't figure out where it falls on the time line. This is some private information, but I have to put it out here to explain. I like it rough in bed. S&M type of things (I don't want to explain that, but I'm sure google can)There's been a handful of times that he's brought this outside of the bedroom, and he's choked me. Obviously, this is not okay. He hasn't done it in a while but I'm really scared of it happening.

We've calmly talked about it, and he can't tell me why he does it. He just says it's like he's not in control. And since he's been getting help this has been happening less and less.

One other thing I need to talk about, we live with his parents since he's not stable enough to keep a job right now, and when we had an apartment he was too lazy to get a job and I got tired of supporting us both. Sometimes, we are in the kitchen or something, in the room next to the room his parents are in, and he will grope me. I'll tell him to stop because I'm scared of his parents catching us. And I'll have to tell him to stop several times in a row before he does. He always stops, but I'm not sure if it's okay. I don't like it when he does that, it scares the **** out of me, and I just wish he would stop.

I don't know how to say this one, so I'll just come out with it. One time we were having sex, and I wasn't into it. I told him I didn't want it, and he didn't stop, and I just freaked out and froze while he continued. I told him again that I didn't want it, and he didn't stop. The third time he did stop. He told me he was just trying to get me to like it because I was having a ****** day and sex makes me feel better. He still should have stopped. That was months ago, and still I can't stop thinking about it.

We are doing couples therapy, and our therapist asked us to look up relationship abuse, and I answered yes to 15/16 questions. But what really got me is that he said that he answered yes to 5 of them. (Does your partner come first? Does your partner make excuses for behavior. Do you feel that, with your partner, nothing you ever do is good enough? Does your partner prevent you from going out or doing things you want to do? ) Which isn't true. One time he pressured me into smoking pot with him, and I got depressed when I came down and I wanted him to stay with me, but he didn't. He eventually came back when I asked him to return my car and he stayed. That's why he can't go out. And that is why he said he answered that I came first. On my period, I am irritable, which is an excuse, but I still think I should do better not to be snippy. I mean, with me, it's that I've done this once or twice, or it's legitimate, not abusive. With him, it's an all the time.

Also, he asks me over and over again if I'm going to leave him, cheat on him, ect. And if I try to go out somewhere, he literally interrogates me about what I'm going to be doing. He's falsely accused me of cheating several times, I have good reason to believe he's cheated (or at least tried) on me. When he's not okay mentally, he raises his voice, he's snippy with me, he swears at me. He goes through my phone, I have no privacy.

I don't know what to do. This is because of a mental disorder that is curable. I used to be borderline, I'm over it now except I think I still have dependency problems since I didn't leave when I had the chance. This guy genuinely loves me, and he is genuinely a good person, but I don't know if I can handle this, or if I should be handing this. I don't want to talk to the therapist about some of these issues (choking, not listening to no) since I'm scared she will report him.

I'm sorry everything is so choppy and out of order, and long but it's 5:30 in the morning here, I'm exhausted, and I can't sleep. I really needed to get all of this out there, I really need help.

Am I being abused?
If so, is it okay since it's not his fault?
Should I just wait till he's done with his treatment? The relationship is getting better and better, and healthier as he gets mental help.
Should I hold anything against him, or should I just let it go?
How do I get therapy for him not stopping without him getting in trouble?
What do I do? Please help.

[Sannah]

Hi Alex, it doesn't matter if he is harmful from a mental disorder and "he doesn't really mean it". What is important is that you are safe and in a healthy relationship. I think that you know the answers to your questions. You need to listen to you!

[alexxfancher]

I think that this might be abuse, but I think it can get better. Right now, I gave him a three months ultimatum. If this isn't better by then, I'm leaving.

[darkrunner]

Hi Alex, and welcome.
I agree with Sannah, it does not sound like a situation in which you are safe. He sounds pretty unpredictable and volatile. If you put together all the stuff you said he's done, it is a pretty long list:

He was mean, controlling, wouldn't let me have friends, always went through my phone, told me what I could and couldn't do

He started being more paranoid about what I was doing.

he's choked me

He just says it's like he's not in control

he's not stable enough to keep a job right now

he will grope me

I told him I didn't want it, and he didn't stop

One time he pressured me into smoking pot with him, and I got depressed when I came down and I wanted him to stay with me, but he didn't

Are any of these qualities or actions you would want in an ideal boyfriend?
Please take care of yourself and keep posting, if it helps.

[alexxfancher]

Originally Posted by ktgirl

Hi Alex, and welcome.
I agree with Sannah, it does not sound like a situation in which you are safe. He sounds pretty unpredictable and volatile. If you put together all the stuff you said he's done, it is a pretty long list:


Are any of these qualities or actions you would want in an ideal boyfriend?
Please take care of yourself and keep posting, if it helps.

Even if it's getting better? A few of those are in the past. And He's really good to me most of the time.

[lynn P.]

I agree with the others - this is an unhealthy relationship and I would classify it as abusive. All the signs are there - the fact that he's mentally ill doesn't mean he's not accountable. Sounds like he doesn't respect your boundaries. Since you admit you have dependancy problems you may tolerate more than the average person. I think you should get out of the relationship before you get in too deep. Remember controlling behavior doesn't mean he loves you like some people think. Best of luck and welcome to PC.

[NuckingFutz]

Welcome to pc. You would not have come here if you did not want help. He raped and choked you. That is abuse. I can answer your question about the abuse, yes, it is a very abusive. I cannot tell you what to do about it.

[miray]

I agree with the rest of them. Also, there are many people who have disorders that don't hurt people. Are you willing to wait and see if he will get better? Have you thought about what could happen if he was choking you and didn't "snap out of it" soon enough? I don't want to scare you any more than you already are, but it's something you have to think about. What is it about him that makes you think he really loves you? These actions aren't love sweetie. You deserve better than this. I don't know your particular situation, but if you don't have family or friends that you could stay with for awhile, try a shelter for battered women. If you were to pull yourself out of this hurtful, stressful, and extremely dangerous situation, I believe things would start looking up for you in more ways than you can even imagine. Take care of yourself

[billieJ]

I agree with the above responders that this is an abusive relationship. Whether or not it is attributable to his mental illness makes no difference. Borderline Personality Disorder is not something that a lot of people get much improved on. That's why they call it a personality disorder. I think you said that you did get better, and I'm glad. Still you have co-dependency issues. Abused and abusder are so dependent on one another that it feels like deep love. And you mentioned that he won't get a job. So, what's the future. Abuse escalates. He would have to be MIGHTY determined in treatment, and never abuse you emotionally or physically again. I understand that you might be attracted to the sex and may be afraid that you won't find that with another, but I think there are many others out there. If you get more deeply involved, I've afraid you'll wind up a casuality - maybe not necessarily dead, but so severely injured that you can't get on with your life. And I mean physically as well as emotionally. I am so glad you posted openly here. That's what PC is for! Plan your escape ahead, and then take the first step. I did, and it worked. billieJ

[alexxfancher]

Rape is when the person doesn't stop. He stopped. It wasn't rape.

[Elysium]

Originally Posted by alexxfancher

I think that this might be abuse, but I think it can get better. Right now, I gave him a three months ultimatum. If this isn't better by then, I'm leaving.

Wow!! So you just gave him permission to beat you, threaten you and your friends, force you to be sexual when you don't want to, AND KILL YOU for the next three months!!!

Don't you think you're being a little too generous here?

Abuse always gets better before it gets worse. It's the cycle of violence.

He is not the important one in this relationship right now...YOU ARE!! You need to be in a safe and healthy environment and he needs to get his act together. It has been my personal experience that these two things are not conducive to living together....especially if he continues to ABUSE you.

You say you THINK it is abuse. I think you KNOW it is and you are afraid to face it...this denial is normal for battered/abused women, but it is not safe.

GET OUT.

[darkrunner]

Originally Posted by alexxfancher

Even if it's getting better? A few of those are in the past. And He's really good to me most of the time.

A lot of times when people are struggling with mental issues, progress is slow and stilted....it may be 1 step forward, and 2 steps back. or 2 steps forward and 10 steps back. The fact is, you don't know if it will CONTINUE to get better.
Just like Elysium said, abuse gets worse before it gets better.

Your safety is most important Alex!
At this point in time, this person is not right for you.
That is not to say that he won't get better, and that he will never be able to be in a healthy relationship. But you can't afford to wait around for that time.
Have you ever talked to a T? Or called an abuse hotline? I think it might be helpful to find someone to talk to and support you IRL.
And I hope you continue to reach our for support here....
Take care!

[phoenix7]

hello and welcome.

a couple of things - first it really sounds like you want to stay with him....
you said you stil had dependancy issues ... is it love or thessse issues that keep you there? my sister had a husband like this - some peoke change - he didnt. I hope your partner does for both of you/

You said it wasnt rape - but you also said he didnt stop twice - I hate that word r**e but thats what it was - if someone teks sex from you wihtout your permission and you ask them to stop then thats what it is..
(unless thats a regular part of your S &M thing then he could have thought you were just playing)

either way its bothering you - and that means it upset you - he did stop the third time so im hoping this hasnt happened since..

I have had someone choke me who said they werent responsible at the time - it doesnt make it any less upsetting - do you have a safe word you can say to him to make him stop?

I am worried about you - I know you wont like this - it is abuse - do you ahve your own T you can talk to about this? the scary part for me is the survey - where he feels this is not abuse.... that means in his mind its ok - and thats not good.

I understand you wanting to stick by him - but I hope you will consider your wellbeign and safety too -

and the groping thing...sit down and explain it to him and if he continues then you know he is doing it cos he wants to and isnt caring about what you say - if he stops then he is considering your feelings.

i would hope you could move out and still be with him while he recovered if thats what you want - and once hes recovered life together agian when its safe.

Whatever happens i hope you willl stay safe and keep letting us know how you are and how things are progresssing

take care

P7

[alexxfancher]

Originally Posted by phoenix7

hello and welcome.

a couple of things - first it really sounds like you want to stay with him....
you said you stil had dependancy issues ... is it love or thessse issues that keep you there? my sister had a husband like this - some peoke change - he didnt. I hope your partner does for both of you/

You said it wasnt rape - but you also said he didnt stop twice - I hate that word r**e but thats what it was - if someone teks sex from you wihtout your permission and you ask them to stop then thats what it is..
(unless thats a regular part of your S &M thing then he could have thought you were just playing)

either way its bothering you - and that means it upset you - he did stop the third time so im hoping this hasnt happened since..

I have had someone choke me who said they werent responsible at the time - it doesnt make it any less upsetting - do you have a safe word you can say to him to make him stop?

I am worried about you - I know you wont like this - it is abuse - do you ahve your own T you can talk to about this? the scary part for me is the survey - where he feels this is not abuse.... that means in his mind its ok - and thats not good.

I understand you wanting to stick by him - but I hope you will consider your wellbeign and safety too -

and the groping thing...sit down and explain it to him and if he continues then you know he is doing it cos he wants to and isnt caring about what you say - if he stops then he is considering your feelings.

i would hope you could move out and still be with him while he recovered if thats what you want - and once hes recovered life together agian when its safe.

Whatever happens i hope you willl stay safe and keep letting us know how you are and how things are progresssing

take care

P7

Me acting like I don't want it is not a regular thing. And the choking was out of bed, in bed we have a safeword and I tap him if the choking is too extreme. We haven't been having that kind of sex (or much at all) for a month or so now though.

The relationship has just been getting so much better, I have a lot of hope it can become completely healthy.

And I do genuinely love him. I just thought I might still have codependency issues because I didn't leave when I could have. (Really thinking about it, I was lonely.) And also, one of my friends recently told me he has feelings for me, and I'm fairly sure I could move in with him, and of course I wouldn't be lonely if I did that.

I realize that this isn't okay, but seeing as how everything physical has stopped, and the one time he was sexual without consent has never happened again (though he shouldn't grope me in public places since I don't like that) and everything just seems to be getting better maybe it will be okay.

I shouldn't be in this relationship, I should go. This isn't okay. But, I can't stand the thought of 'What if it would have changed?' Three months will make it a year. I'm fairly sure that if it's not changed in a year, it never will. I'm ready to leave if I have to, I just want to see if therapy can do something for this relationship.

[alexxfancher]

The moving out and coming back when it's okay sounds like a good idea. But the only place I have to go is to a friends. He has feelings for me, and I consider it wrong to move in and give him the false hope then go back to Gabe.

And even if I tell him up front what I plan to do, this would really hurt him. If I can find a job, which is really hard since I live in a big college town, then I can just move out and come back when it's okay.

[alexxfancher]

I can't post on here anymore.

Thank you everyone. Bye.

[Yoda]

I am so sorry that you are going through this but so very glad you found Psychcentral.

Originally Posted by alexxfancher

Am I being abused?

Yes. Absolutely you are being abused. My BF started with choking me too. But I am okay now, I told myself. It doesn't happen all the time. Just once in awhile. I didn't know it then but abuse only gets worse. He will not change his behavior until he is forced to change.

Originally Posted by alexxfancher

If so, is it okay since it's not his fault?

It is absolutely his fault. He will tell you that you provoked him. BS. He chooses his behavior. It doesn't make abuse okay because he is mentally ill or because he had a rough childhood or whatever his excuse.

Originally Posted by alexxfancher

Should I just wait till he's done with his treatment? The relationship is getting better and better, and healthier as he gets mental help.

From my experience in an abusive relationship I say, no, do not wait until he gets better. Leave him NOW. This is NOT the person you want to create children with. If he is sincere about getting help he will do it and if he does then perhaps you can start a relationship in two years or ? when he is mentally stable and has a job.

Originally Posted by alexxfancher

Should I hold anything against him, or should I just let it go?

If you can let go of the damage he has already done then do so. A therapist might help. I don't know if you would both want to continue individual therapy with the same therapist. If there is a domestic violence shelter near you they likely have free therapy.

Originally Posted by alexxfancher

How do I get therapy for him not stopping without him getting in trouble?

If you feel he is in danger of hurting you, himself, or somebody else you can file a mental hygiene petition and he will be assessed by a psychologist. It might work and it might not. It did not help my mentally ill abusive BF. If he does not want to change he will not change.

Originally Posted by alexxfancher

What do I do? Please help.

You have to leave him. You cannot change his behaviors. You can only change yourself.

As Dr Phil would say, the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior.

I stayed because I loved my BF. I thought if I loved him enough he would change. I tried to support him. I wanted change but he did not. He did not change but only got worse and worse and because he made the choices he did he is now dead. I still love him. I still miss the good times we had. That is what makes it so hard.

If he were always mean it would be easy to leave him. I know the story well. But the good times do not excuse him when he is mean to you. Move out ASAP.

The most dangerous time for an abusive woman is when she leaves the relationship. If you have nowhere else to go you can go to a domestic violence shelter. It isn't a picnic being in a DV shelter but it is a safe place to be until you make a new plan. If you do not have transportation a state trooper can take you there (in WV, it may be somebody else where you are).

You can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1−800−799−SAFE (7233) or TTY 1−800−787−3224 twenty-four hours/day. They can help you.

If you want you can PM me. I know this is not easy because you care about him and in his own way he cares about you but he does not care enough about you to respect you.

[Yoda]

Originally Posted by alexxfancher

I shouldn't be in this relationship, I should go. This isn't okay. But, I can't stand the thought of 'What if it would have changed?' Three months will make it a year. I'm fairly sure that if it's not changed in a year, it never will. I'm ready to leave if I have to, I just want to see if therapy can do something for this relationship.

This is your gut instinct talking to you. You know it but you don't want to believe it because of the magical "love". I understand completely. I bought my BF the Eagles CD with the song, 'Love Will Keep Us Alive'. But songs are not always right. Love is not enough. One third of women killed in the USA are killed by the men that they love and that they believe love them. Leave NOW.

[Elysium]

I have a hunch that you are probably freaking out inside right now. Possibly feeling trapped, guilty for confiding in someone about personal issues, confused because sometimes he can be sooo nice and loving, angry at yourself for not being the person he wants you to be....if you are experiencing any of these feelings...these would be normal feelings for you to be experiencing in this situation.

I know my posts yesterday were harsh and in your face...and that is because I have been down this road....still walk it on occasion until I learn my lesson...again...the hard way.

We are all here to support you in keeping yourself safe and healthy...but all the support we all have isn't going to be worth spit if you don't support yourself by taking the appropriate steps to get yourself out of danger.

It's very hard for me to read your posts....it's triggering. I don't come in this forum often because of that...but I am here holding out my hand as someone who knows all about the road you are on and where it will lead you to if you don't get off of it.

PC can be your safety net....but you say you can not post here anymore. You're like a child in a burning house!! You see the door to your safety and your freedom...but you are alone...the light is bright, you are confused, you can't see well, your terrified, and you can't breath....you are so scared that you are blindly running away from the exit straight toward the flames.

Turn around.....please.....

[Yoda]

Originally Posted by alexxfancher

I can't post on here anymore.

I don't know why you can't post now. Perhaps you are overwhelmed because this is so very very difficult.

Or possibly you are afraid he will see your posts and recognize you and get angry. If that is why then join with a different name that he will not recognize and use a password he does not know and log out every time you end your session here. At first I kept a diary about my abuse and the confusion it caused me. For awhile I kept the diary password protected but I messed up and left it open and all hell broke loose here when my BF read it.

Believe me, I understand the confusion of being abused by somebody you love. It doesn't make sense. It has taken me many many hours of therapy to accept that I could not change the man I love. I say accept rather than understand because I don't know if I ever will understand why he abused.

Think about what everybody has said and when you are ready come back &post some more or PM somebody or just read if that is your comfort level.

[phoenix7]

I am really sorry you dont feel you can come here anymore - i hope you change your mind - i hope you are safe.....

P7

[darkrunner]

Originally Posted by alexxfancher

I can't post on here anymore.

Thank you everyone. Bye.

In case you're still reading here ..........
it sounds like maybe you're overwhelmed. I'm sure it is hard to hear all of us (whom you don't really know) warning you and saying these things about someone you love.

Maybe you could think back to how you were feeling when you posted here in the first place. Maybe at the time you knew something wasn't right, but you weren't sure, or didn't know what to do.

I was the same way with my abuser. I was scared, thought is was my fault, DEFENDED him and stayed loyal to him for a very long time, too long! I remember the day someone (my H) was finally able to get through to me about what truly happened. It was sad, and scary.

It sounds like things are complicated even more in your situation because of your living arrangements. That is a huge obstacle, and I wish I had a great solution for you. All I can say, is that if you're going to stay with him, at least find the name/location of a battered women's shelter in your area, in case you need it in a crisis situation. I would hope you never need to go there, but it is better to be prepared, right?

I hope you know we are responding to you out of concern.....no, we don't know the details of your situation, and all that has happened.....all we know are the little snapshots you have given us.
But I hope you know that all these responses you've gotten are out of concern for you -- we all just want you to be safe and healthy.
Take care, and best wishes to you.
kt

[Gabi925]

Originally Posted by alexxfancher

Rape is when the person doesn't stop. He stopped. It wasn't rape.

Not Yet. That's why you are here and you'll find the force to run away till that happens. Then learn to never enter in a relationship of this kind. Just do it while you still have power because it's clear that you see how toxic and dangerous is this for you. I thanked to people answering you as I felt. Your story revived my bad memories even after 10 years of getting free from a marriage of such type. Be thankful you are not married and you do not have children with him. You are young and enough smart to realize what's happening and ask for help. Embrace it and be here with us and make a new life for you in time.

[Yoda]

Oh my.

To whomever: No matter how far you have gone down a wrong road, turn back.

[Elysium]

Originally Posted by NuckingFutz

Hey guess what everyone...the abuser now has control of this thread can read the responses. Two confirmations...the denial of rape post and the post stating they can no longer post here. At least those 2 posts were not initiated by the victim. This thread has been compromised. Stay safe everyone.

Well....I don't necessarily think that the abuser has control over the thread. It is possible that they became aware of this person posting and she decided to stop....

But I have known plenty of women (and men) who are victims of DV that reach out for help, and when help is offered, they feel that the helpers are attacking the abusers and denial sets in.

The whole idea of "he loves me...he doesn't mean it...he's getting better", it's denial. It's very possible that this couples relationship is quite co-dependent...and if this is the case...every member on PC telling this woman to get out wouldn't mean a thing to her until she was ready to truly hear it and acknowledge it!!

My thoughts and prayers will remain with her!!