[saddleup]

Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever feel whole again.

I wonder if I'll ever learn to trust completely. I wonder if I can ever have a moment to just........be......

To be comfortable in my own skin and my own head.

To have the ability to accept my gifts and my limitations and be comfortable with both.

To be comfortable with my own emotions, whatever they may be and accept that it’s OK for me to have them.

And, also, to be OK at times to do .....nothing....without feeling guilty and beating myself up over the things I'm not getting done.

And to sometimes even give my brain a rest.....and to just......be.

I wonder?????

[Ascension]

And, also, to be OK at times to do .....nothing....without feeling guilty and beating myself up over the things I'm not getting done.

This is the single biggest step in recovery is this right here in my opinion. But it is so hard to find so many responsibilities in our lives to allow ourselves to rest, recover and recoup. The thing is your are aware of the things you need to work towards. You are blessed with insight, just give your time to develop the skills you have listed in your original post. You are on your way. Thanks for the post and insights, many people will find them useful.

What does being whole mean to you? And is anyone really whole?

[Ascension]

I think we are whole in the way we are supposed to be, but sometimes we don't see that because a part of us hurts so much that we lose sight of the rest of us. I think too often we look to outside sources for fulfillment and we just need to learn to be okay with ourselves without outside affirmation.

[Typo]

Hi saddleup,

I wanted to say your post resounded with me, I have often asked myself, others, and T those same questions.

The answer I have found to them all as cliche as it sounds is time, it takes time to heal, and step by step we as surviors learn to heal and accept ourselves. It's an uphill battle at times, and it is a long journey, but with each little step on that journey one becomes closer to finding the answers and learing to love one's self.

and it's okay to wonder, I often find myself still asking the same questions and applying what answers I have, (which isn't too many so far, but sometimes the answers we are looking for the hardest are right in front of us)

feel free to pm me anytime.

Sending you many peaceful thoughts and hugs
Typo

[saddleup]

Allowing myself to rest and recoup is indeed very hard. I'm such a perfectionist with a drive to do more more more!! The problem is....there is no "good enough" in my world. I don't know what I'm trying to prove...or to whom.....but I feel like a failure even when, in the eyes of everyone else in my life, it would be defined as success. I don't know how to make this feeling of worthlessness go away. When the messages I received as I grew up were that I was nothing, how do I now even pretend that I have value.


What does it mean to be whole to me? The biggest thing that I was thinking when I wrote that is that I would like the wounded child to be integrated with the healthy adult. That little girl is so damaged and I, the adult, feel so much hate toward her for causing all this pain. If she had only fought harder, if she had only been better, I don't know what it was about her that wasn't worth loving or protecting but, I guess there was something. I need to somehow let go of that and reach out to her but it is sooooooooo hard!!!!!

[billieJ]

Dear Saddleup ~ I don't know if this will help you or not, but I have learned that as I got older, it was easier to just be - to just do nothing, without feeling so much guilt. Sometimes the relative meaninglessness of perpetual activity dawns on us, when we become slower and older. With Love, Hope for You, and Friendship ~ billieJ

[palmdalegirl]

Originally Posted by billieJ

Dear Saddleup ~ I don't know if this will help you or not, but I have learned that as I got older, it was easier to just be - to just do nothing, without feeling so much guilt. Sometimes the relative meaninglessness of perpetual activity dawns on us, when we become slower and older. With Love, Hope for You, and Friendship ~ billieJ

I enjoyed your response very much! Thank you for your wisdom.

People talk of being made whole again, of being cured or having moved on. I simply want to function at the highest level I am capable of at any point in time. That is not to say I do not continue to strive to reach ever higher levels of functionality. It is more an acknowledgment that at least in my case getting better is always a work in process just as life is for everyone.There will be ups and downs and change is inevitable. My hope is to learn to handle the vicissitudes more gracefully.