[aimeesh]

I currently put up with verbal abuse from my fiance. He's starting anger management this coming Tuesday (voluntarily, yay!).... but i wonder how I will heal from the things he has said to me.... can i come here for support or would i be considered a trigger for other member's bad memories?

[Yoda]

First, if your fiancee is already verbally abusing you I would advise you to take things nice and slow before you marry him. Don't put up with the verbal abuse and still marry him. It is NOT okay to abuse somebody even when it is "only" verbal. Voice of experience here - I got married way too quickly to Mister Wrong. My gut told me not to marry him but when I told him I want to delay the wedding he was angry and pressured me so I married him.

I have been verbally, emotionally and physically abused. Sometimes I can read other people's posts and give feedback and other days I cannot. Keep posting about what is going on with you and you will likely find the support you need.

aimeesh, the abuse is another reason you should be getting professional help.

[sharon123]

I was verbally abused for thirty-one years and got a divorce. The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans opened my eyes and saved my life. Abusers RARELY change; they have issues they have not dealt with. Abuse is ALWAYS a choice; I have written papers on the subject and if you wish, will send you one (wacalice@aol.com). Make sure if you go into therapy (alone) that the therapist is specifically trained in verbal abuse...Amazingly, some are not and you will get re-abused beause of their ignorance. That happened to me.

The whole issue of abuse is just one thing: CONTROL. Keep writing and educate yourself about verbal abuse and then you will make a good choice for your life.

Hugs, Sharon

[WePow]

If he is already doing the verbal abuse = physical WILL follow with time and his "comfort" level. I would get out while you can. IMHO. ((( Survivor of an ex who almost killed me - started out with verbal before we got married )))

[Sannah]

Aimeesh, please come here for support! We will support you. Please keep us posted!

[palmdalegirl]

Originally Posted by aimeesh

I currently put up with verbal abuse from my fiance. He's starting anger management this coming Tuesday (voluntarily, yay!).... but i wonder how I will heal from the things he has said to me.... can i come here for support or would i be considered a trigger for other member's bad memories?

Please come here for support! I was a victim of severe physical and mental abuse for 25 years, and I can tell you from my experiences.....that healing is very hard from the verbal aspect. I hear those words everyday...in my sleep and my waking hours. I cannot shake them, or the images of those moments out of my head. That is good that he is attempting help on his own, but please be careful. Do not let him slip...not even once! I hate to say this....but, abusers never really change. Nobody in this world deserves to be belittled in any way, shape or form! God Bless!

[emilyjeanne]

Originally Posted by aimeesh

I currently put up with verbal abuse from my fiance. He's starting anger management this coming Tuesday (voluntarily, yay!).... but i wonder how I will heal from the things he has said to me.... can i come here for support or would i be considered a trigger for other member's bad memories?

You are welcome here anytime!!!! This is a place to learn, support and feel better.

Welcome.

[aimeesh]

he started anger management, voluntarily, and likes it! I dont know if i said that already but it's pretty cool. I've already noticed a huge change in him.

now i feel guilty for being the one not getting proper help for my issues that im sure also put a strain on our relationship.

[sanityseeker]

Forget the guilt!! Turn it into action and get the help you acknowledge you need to properly deal with your own issues. Good luck to both of you. It takes work to overcome anger issues and it is good he is getting help but it won't be a quick fix so give it all time before assuming too much.

It might be a good idea for you guys to get some premarital counselling before you take the next step. That might also be a way for you to ease into counselling for your health issues.

If a bicycle has two flat tires, it doesn't do any good to just put air in one of them. Both tires need repair before the bicycle can be ridden safely. Don't waste time and energy feeling guilty, just get the help you need. Do it for you, not for him. I'm predicting that as soon as you start counseling, he will stop. He'll want both of you to see *you* as the identified patient, while *he* is just fine and in no need of counseling for himself. This is the kind of garbage my first husband pulled on me. "Well, I'm perfectly sane; she's the one who's crazy. Witness the fact that she's seeing a shrink, and I'm not." Look for him to play that game with you, dropping out of counseling so he can tell himself, you, and everybody else that you're the one with the problem. When he does that, keep going to counseling, get some self-confidence, and don't allow anyone into your life who doesn't respect you.

Get counseling to help you see why you put up with verbal abuse for so long, and why you are attracted to a man who will verbally abuse. Above all, DON'T MARRY HIM any time soon!!! Once you do that, he will have no incentive to change, since he'll feel he's already won the prize and no longer needs to work for it.

Wpowers is very right. Physical abuse will come later, when he feels more comfortable with the idea and thinks he will get away with it.

And as far as you being a trigger, I don't think so. We have the benefit of experience, and speaking for myself, I would be glad to help you avoid what we went through.

[sharon123]

I ignored the red flags and spent 31 years in an abusive relationship. Being brought up verbally and physically abused allowed me to accept that behavior.

The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans opened my eyes, explained what was happening to me and saved my l ife.

I believe this book should be required reading for everyone on the planet.

[Sannah]

Aimeesh, are you going to get help then for yourself?

[sharon123]

Premarital counseling (or ANY counseling as a couple) is not a good idea. Before you can go as a couple, HE has to have is personal issues worked on.

Before I understood that, my x and I went as a couple (he was an abuser); it was a disaster, because the therapist didn't see the dynamics. The o nly issue was he was an abuser.

[amante]

Aimeesh,
I was in a very violent physical and mental abusive relationship. the abuse always starts out verbally, and in a way it's very flattering that someone shows this emotion to you, next for me came severe dellusional jealousy, then came the physical blows, I'm talking punches in the faces, kicking, hitting with objects, choking, from a very violent man. If he's taking anger management classes now, he's got the tools to be able to turn on the charm and fool you into thinking he's a changed man, but people hardly change IMO, think about your future with this person and what could happen, as he ever been physical with you, a shove or push? be true to yourself, your actions/issues should never be blamed for causing him to be angry and abusive to you.

[aimeesh]

sanityseeker- unfortunately pre-marital counselling is not covered under my health insurance. they let me bring him once to one of my sessions but it went badly my therapist just like attacked him... (she knew of the abuse) it just made things worse.
kinda like what sharon123 said

last night he drank like a 6 pack of beer. first of all... his anger management class told him flat out that anger and alcohol do NOT mix. second of all i've already told him several times that 6 is too many for him because sure, he's not stumbling drunk, but he becomes VERY MEAN.

he told me i never put out (which btw the night before i told him "no" to sex only because i didnt want him to see that i had cut up my leg from the pain i am in. THAT is why i didn't "put out" ) he told me i was "just a dumb *****" he told me "the problem is that I am smart, and you are NOT." he told me i was stupid, he accused me of cheating on him with an "internet loser" (i've only been coming on HERE to talk to you guys.... or my email)

i kicked him out of our room and made him sleep on the couch. when morning came he was all sorry saying he will fix things, that he loves me, he's so sorry, blah blah blah the same BS he always does..... and left for work. he'll prob come back with a movie i like(he works for blockbuster) and another "sorry" and expect everything to be back to normal.... because that's how it always plays out.

i do want things to be fixed but him pretending like he didnt do anything, always claiming he "doesn't remember saying that"...........

jesus christ. my dad used to say that when he would beat us.... the next day it would be "i dont recall that happening" ....always.

im living out a carbon copy of my mother's life.

[sanityseeker]

Hi aimeesh.... please get some help. I am really concerned for your safety. There will be a next time and as others have indicated it will only get worse. You may have been able to kick him out of your room the last time but he could well decide to break down the door next time. He has to know that you are not going to live like this. You are not going to live a carbon copy of your mother's life.

Is there anywhere you can go to be safe and to make it clear to him that until he gets help and sticks to the program for a significant length of time that you are not going to put yourself in danger any more.

I wish you well and I pray for your safety.

[Bill3]

I'm so sorry that you were hurt again.

*********

im living out a carbon copy of my mother's life.

Exactly.

It doesn't have to be that way, though. It doesn't have to be that way. You can learn from the past and live differently.

I hope that you will identify and take all necessary steps to protect yourself and to break free of the past--to break free to a life without abuse; a life in which you are treated with kindness, consideration, thoughtfulness, and gentleness; a life in which you will accept no less.

[poisonivy81]

You can come here anytime for support. I have been there before and wish you all the best. But remember if the anger management doesn't help, RUN! Get help for yourself and find someone new that will treat you like you deserve. Hang in there!

[sanityseeker]

Hi aimeesh.... how are you today. Thinking of you so thought I would drop a note here to check in. Take good care. Hugs.

[neurowarden]

if one volunteers and or try to do something about his/her problems, it is worth to stay with that individual because of 'life experiences' and stimulis....that person becomes an expert or wizard of staying humble during stressors.

[amante]

Aimeesh,
I am also concerned for you, he's showing a very set of abusive patterns with the accusing you of having an internet affair. next he'll start accusing you of looking at other men out in public, that is how mine started - these men are very sly at how it starts, then will come a push or a shove and then it all rolls down from that to blown up violent punches. Please use the support and advice that people are sharing with you and leave this person before it's too late.
Sending you hugs....

[Liberator]

Originally Posted by aimeesh

I currently put up with verbal abuse from my fiance. He's starting anger management this coming Tuesday (voluntarily, yay!).... but i wonder how I will heal from the things he has said to me.... can i come here for support or would i be considered a trigger for other member's bad memories?

I think sharing your thoughts, feelings and concerns would be a welcome for others who may be experiencing similar circumstances. Hope you find the support you are looking for at this time.

[Liberator]

Last year my sister was murdered by her husband in a murder-suicide. Since then I've been busy trying to understand the plight and psychology of the abused woman and the topic of domestic violence. I want to prevent anyone else from meeting the same fate as my sister. Educate yourself about domestic violence before you enter into a long term relationship with an abuser. The emotional, verbal and ultimately physical abuse will wreak havoc on your emotional, physical and mental well-being. Your self esteem will hit rock bottom and your life may be at risk. Promise after promise will be broken about the abuser changing his ways but the truth is that most don't change except that they become more abusive, more controlling.