abused by a woman

ick
i too had a female massage therapist that i felt ... well... i just couldn't say no to. she was not particuarly unethical but would not respect my boundaries and discomforts for being disrobed. and i didn't have enough voice then to stand up for myself. so i went thru it competely disrobed for the first time ever and had terrible flashbacks and a miserable massage. I'm not able to disrobe at all now for a massage but thankfully i have a really good trauma-body worker who lets me work on what my boundaries are. and i may never be able to - and that's fine.

Thanks everyone for posting. Getting up my courage for my first detailed post here-
I agree that dealing with SA by a woman is difficult.
Harder for me to talk about, certainly because many of the misconceptions that women are the ones who give us nurturing, difficulty in being taught the appropriate terms for our bodies as young girls, family taboos, etc...
Hard to tell what is related to gender issues and what is because the woman who abused me (also my aunt) was a family member- other SA by men, but it was not as prolonged, or intense either. Guess in the end it doesn't matter why it is hard, just good to see your courage- thanks for the examples and support!

How are you doing now, REEG?

If I said thsi before, I'm going to say it again---I get angrier at women abusers than at men abusers.

It is more intense.

I agree.

Billi

Doing okay today, Thanks Lovebirds.
Feels kinda strange typing out this stuff, but freeing in a way too. Working on taking all this seriously and not minimizing it...in T today we discussed that my goal of just wanting not to feel with regards to this is probably causing me more pain, and I know that, really. But minimizing abuse by women has been so part of the family (and braoder cultural messages) that contribute to difficulties around all this. Thanks for addressing this everyone

could ppl please address comments on my thread to me?

Thank you.

You guys, I dont' mind if you pm each other or start a new thread.

when I get emails to this thread and they are not for me, I feel let down. I look forward to hearing from ppl and then I don't.

Billi

billi-

Sorry, just starting this and guess I missed a point of etiquette. I thought that threads were more a conversation and not so much about just responding to one person. Didn't mean to be disrespectful or hurtful.

(softly) I appreciate your apology, REEG and I forgive you. (handshake)

I suppose some threads can be conversations, too.

Billi

I missed it too, and I think somehow I thought Reeg was the originator of the thread.

My head hasn't been on straight the last couple of days.

Neither is mine right now, Lovebirds.

Forgiven!

Billi

I do too, Billi.

Billi,

I don't know if links are ok. There's this site called Making Daughters Safe Again.

Thank you for starting this thread. I feel more understood here than in other threads where the issue of CSA comes up. It has been so confusing, embarrassing, and triggering just trying to sort out whether I am bisexual, or straight. It makes me so mad when people want me to declare that I am bi even when I've always felt heterosexual.

Billi, my abuser was my mom mainly, but sometimes it was her bfriends. The most damaging CSA came from her. She was very mean
And violent, and i think it gave me tons of body issues because i look like her. Can you imagine looking like your abuser? I hate it. I hate it when i disclose and some weirdo asks me how she could have abused me. I guess bc she doesnt gave male parts. People are idiots. I even had bfriend that seemed turned on by it. Got rid of him really fast. I'm so sorry your aunt abused you. Wishing you
healing and peace.

I needed to respond to likewater (although the other responses lately have been helpful).

thank goodness I don't look like my aunt!

I look like my mother.

I remember my aunt criticizing my mother often, though. I am healing this, though, by honoring my mother, esp. this holiday season.

I am proud of my mother and proud to look like her, even though my aunt did not like her.

thanks and safe holiday weekend.

Billi

Billi, sorry. I guess, my reply was super-unhelpful. Take care, and i'm sorry the death of your abuser triggered emotions/ issues for you. I gues the point of my reply which i never said and which i simply should have just stated instead is thisne of my abusers was my mom and i know that being abused by a woman can raise a lot confusion and pain and cicumstances because of the abusers
gender. I wish you healing and peace. And send you hugs if that's ok.

Wishing you a safe holiday weekend, Billi.

If apropriate, I'll share this here...
Had a mom nightmare... hasn't happened in a while. I dreamt that I was moving into a new apt and she and I got into an argument. I think I yelled at her to get out and she stalked out. I slammed the door behind her then threw a stuffed animal she'd given me at the window, breaking the blinds. She returned, angry, and had a key to my place. She came in with more boxes of my things, dumping them on the ground (i think i wasn't supposed to spend the night there yet and she was trying to talk me out of being there). I was so angry she had a key, i tried to wrest them from her. It was then that she grabbed my chest (this is always the nightmare part - either stomach or chest area) and the feeling is SO HORRIFICALLY AWFUL that it hurts and kills and petrifies me. I can't move, can't fight, muscles are completely weakened, can't even scream. It kept happening. I willed myself to come out of it and i tried to push at her - I woke myself up flailing at the covers. That skin feeling is still with me. I harmed. i feel awful and dirty and have such self loathing. I hate those mom nightmares.
...As I was about to leave the house to go get my psych meds, she called, just minutes after writing this.... panic attack. yes. :/ It is (amazing isn't the right word) how long and deep the effects of abuse are.

(((Kiya))) this sounds like the nightmares i have. I am so sorry you have these. Nightmares like this are terrifying. I hope you have a T. When you wake up is there anyone there to comfort you? I have my dog. My dogs sends you kisses. Wishing you heling and some
nicer dreams .

((( Kiya ))) I have had similar dreams about my mom, too.

Oops Kiya i meant to wish you healing not heling. I write from my phone. Easier to get typos.

Likewater, I want to apologize to you. I did not mean to imply that your post was not helpful. Thank you for your answer. I am sorry I did not see before how my response might have come off that way. Your post was very helpful.

Billi

Based on what you are saying, your mom's abusive and violent behavior reminds me of Linda Crockett's book The Deepest Wound. My mom is similar to Julie A. Brand's mom in her book "A Mother's Touch." Yep some people are idiots. I am glad you got rid of the weirdo bfriend. Some therapists are idiots too. I almost told my last therapist about my mom's abuse, but I held back. She proved to be untrustworthy and unhelpful in other areas of difficulty. So, I left therapy with her. ((( likewater )))