[Starlightembers]

Starting about an hour and a half ago, I have been crying on-and-off with no sign of stopping. To make it worse, I am alone in the house - mom is at work, Dad would make things worse, and most of my friends are on a school trip I was banned from (due to "emotional instability"). Only my cats are around to listen to cries.

The thing is, I don't cry often. I usually just repress things back, which I realize is unhealthy. But today, I am in just too much pain to stay quiet. In fact, I hurt so much that it is impossible for me keep silent.

I am crying because I feel empty.
I am crying because I feel ugly, unlovable, untouchable.
I am crying because that is how I want it - I don't want a boy (or girl) to love, touch, or be attracted to me. I want to be treated as a monster.
I am crying because I feel I deserve to be treated like a monster.
I am crying because I can't stop blaming myself.
I am crying because I can't stop remembering his disgusting taste, violating touch, and violent motives.
I am crying for the little girl who begged for extra money, because if I didn't get him something he would be angry.
I am crying for the girl that he attempted to suffocate.
I am crying because the flashbacks won't stop coming.
I am crying because I can't scream.
I am crying because I feel his tongue on my private.
I am crying because I feel terrorized, helpless, and trapped.
I am crying because I want it to stop.
I am crying because I hate what he did.
I am crying because of someone else, too - my Dad.
I am crying because he words won't stop repeating in my head - his strong, insulting words.
I'm crying because I believe them.
I'm crying because all I want is his acceptance.
I am crying because he laughs when I get upset.
I am crying because he invalidates all the time.
I am crying for the times he's sat on, hit, scratched and grabbed me.
I'm crying because he chooses drugs over me.
I'm crying because he has exposed me to prostitutes (to which he tells me he has sex with), druggies, drunks, and pimps.
I am crying because my Mom looses it at me.
I am crying because she makes me feel horrible when she tells me how much better my life is, how she can't do X because of me, how having to make sure I'm OK is the reason she can't get therapy.
I am crying because because when I point out she is loosing it, she breaks down screaming "I'm a horrible person/mother!", which makes me feel worse.
I am crying because she makes me walk on eggshells, never knowing what to expect.
I am crying because whenever I close my door, hang out with friends a lot, spend time in my room, she fears I'm pushing her away. So instead I feel locked in, as I always have to stay with her.
I am crying because she's in pain and I can't help her.
I'm crying because I'm in pain, and have nobody to hold me.
I'm crying because I hurt.

I feel better after typing that, but I still really need hugs and support at the moment. I'm sorry I typed so much, and am taking up your time; but I just needed to reach out to somebody. I feel so terribly weak.

Thank you so much for reading and/or responding.

Erika/Eri

[NuckingFutz]

You are not a monster. You are still the little girl. If there are monsters in your house, I bet they live in the master bedroom. I would talk to your school counselor. Even show her this thread. Your parents are making excuses for their behavior and there is no excuse for them to be behaving. Sending you safe hugs. Keep posting because you are important!

[callusedthoughts]

Please tell someone that can help you... I know it can be hard but tell someone...

[Sannah]

Starlight, I am so sorry that you have had all that happen to you. You deserve so much better. Is there any reliable, healthy adult that you can reach out to?

((((((( Erika/Eri )))))))

[Hippie]

Oh, sweetie, how are you doing?

[Starlightembers]

Thank you all so much for responding. It truly means a lot to me, and made me feel so much better to know there are people who care about me. Your responses also motivated me to tell my therapist how badly I was doing dealing with this trauma (usually, I just ignore the topic). Once again, thank you so much.

Hippie: Thank you for asking.

I am doing a bit better now than I was when I originally wrote this. The breakdown that led up to this post was caused by a rather triggering book, and caused a PTSD spin. I'm still recovering from the onslaught of symptoms; but it's getting better and my mind is slowing down again. I think I'll survive this.

Eri/Erika

[WePow]

(((((((((((( big safe hugs!!! )))))))))))))))))) Sorry I did not see your posting until just now. We also are going through tons at this time... but there is light at the end of the tunnel. Just keep on doing what you are doing. Talk it out with your T. The reason you cried so much is because you NEEDED to do so. A person is not designed to carry around that amount of trauma inside the body. Even animals will go into a state of shock when danger is present. Then they go back to their safe den and will shake or cry out or run around. It is how the brain is designed and it protects us. I am very glad you reached out here on PC to vent. If you get hit again with the emotions, please share here on PC - you are safe here.

[BrokenNBeautiful]

I was on vacation and just read your post.

I wish I had been there for you.

I've cried too.

I know how much it can hurt!

You did not deserve any of this.

You are innocent!

<cries with you>

Billi

[Tatyana2009]

Hello dear,

I am touched by your post. You dont sound weak to me at all. You sound very brave and strong.

I am glad you cried. Especially because you said you are used to repress feelings.

Feelings need to come out of our body. Crying is a good way to release all the hurt, pain, sadness, frustration, anger, worry, fear, panic and grief that we have inside of us. If we do not cry - it all stays there and becomes toxic. So I am glad you cried and let it out and also that you wrote your list.

Just remember you are not responsible for all these things that happened to you. You are OK! And doing well.

I used to be like you, not cry. The moment I could cry was the moment that changed my life. I am proud of it. Even though I was brought up not to cry.

I am glad you are feeling better! xxx

[BrokenNBeautiful]

Tears are precious, like pearls.

B.