He won!

caring_whiterose · Feb 28, 2010, 03:55 PM

Ok, so I have been somewhat ok and trying to be strong. I was talking to someone in chat and they helped me a lot. I know it isn't my fault and I shouldn't let him still control me. I just hate when I get flash backs, they are soooooo real. I just feel alone. I mean I know I have my fiance, family amd friends but still, I feel emptiness. It hurts so bad. I know I am figthing but he did take something from me I will never get back. My innocents and in that part he did win!

Fox · Feb 28, 2010, 04:03 PM

{hugs rose} I'm glad you're taking your power back. And yes he did take that innocence from you but with that you gained something that I can't think of the word for. It's like knowledge but that's not it. Keep on keeping on you can do it hon! I know how scared the flashbacks are for you, talk your way through them and you know you always have us to help you fight!

caring_whiterose · Feb 28, 2010, 04:08 PM

You know this sounds soooo bad but we have like this local news paper around here and I look at it. One day I wish I will see his name in it for something bad, so he gets what he deserves. I know that is horrible. I guess it kills me more I can'r do anything about it.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Fox

{hugs rose} I'm glad you're taking your power back. And yes he did take that innocence from you but with that you gained something that I can't think of the word for. It's like knowledge but that's not it. Keep on keeping on you can do it hon! I know how scared the flashbacks are for you, talk your way through them and you know you always have us to help you fight!

buttrfli42481 · Mar 01, 2010, 11:53 AM

rose I think we all wish we would see our abusers' name in the paper for doing something bad. I had a horrible flashback the other night and ended up having an emergency session with my T. I was holding on to the guilt, abuse and hurt that he gave me. I don't need it nor do I want it, so I wrote those down on a piece of paper then burned it. Immediately, I was feeling much better. I gave those things back to him. Maybe you can try something like that. Here is a thought for you to ponder "I am in charge of my own thoughts. My power comes through the use of my mind. I choose thoughts that are loving and courageous." Many hugs.

caring_whiterose · Mar 01, 2010, 12:16 PM

Thank you that sounds like a really great idea. I sometimes want to write him a message say you have nothing on me. I think the will only bring up more stuff because he does have something on me. He will be in my mind forever and I can't take that out. Today I feel like it is one of those bad days. I hate how somedays I think it is my fault and it controls me and other days I am somewhat ok. I still can't believe it happened...........

Quote:

Originally Posted by buttrfli42481

rose I think we all wish we would see our abusers' name in the paper for doing something bad. I had a horrible flashback the other night and ended up having an emergency session with my T. I was holding on to the guilt, abuse and hurt that he gave me. I don't need it nor do I want it, so I wrote those down on a piece of paper then burned it. Immediately, I was feeling much better. I gave those things back to him. Maybe you can try something like that. Here is a thought for you to ponder "I am in charge of my own thoughts. My power comes through the use of my mind. I choose thoughts that are loving and courageous." Many hugs.

Tatyana2009 · Mar 01, 2010, 12:55 PM

Hello dear. I am so sorry you still suffer so much. I think you know you were not responsible for his behaviour and that you are not guilty of anything bad.

To me, your abuser already punished himself, by being a low life disgusting, weak and spineless! You are wasting your energy when you think about revenge. This energy can be used much more positively. For example - on how to make your life more rewarding, how to care for others and do things you like. By wanting to hurt him you are hurting more. Please stop punishing yourself honey...

All good advice above and I hope you are getting some comfort from loved ones and psychC.

I, personally, love William Blake 'Poems of Innocence and Experience' - there is something very profound and on some level soothing in these. The idea is that every experience takes away our innocence. And we are in contant inner battle between the two... I guess the beauty is to learn from our experience and not forget what innocence was like. To get in touch with our inner child and accept ourselves as we are. You are a kind and unique person. I hug you xxx

caring_whiterose · Mar 01, 2010, 01:36 PM

What if he thinks he didn't do anything wrong?

I have a question, does anyone ever think about it and actually physically feel it? It scares me when it happens. I just want to cry.

When I picture his face, when I remeber his smell, his laugh or just here is name I go back in time. It was my best friends cousin. My best friend at the time I still talk to on facebook sometimes but not much anymore. Sometimes he will post on her statis and I see his face again. It is burned in my memory.

I am sorry I am going on and on.....

I just sometimes want to give in but I know I can't which makes the fight harder. I am sooooo weak. I wish I could explain the pain and hurt I feel right now but I can't even put it into words. I guess it is even worse that I really dont talk about it that much. I should more even in chat but I want to be the strong one. I don't want to seem sad. I though sometimes I dont hide it well.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Tatyana2009

Hello dear. I am so sorry you still suffer so much. I think you know you were not responsible for his behaviour and that you are not guilty of anything bad.

To me, your abuser already punished himself, by being a low life disgusting, weak and spineless! You are wasting your energy when you think about revenge. This energy can be used much more positively. For example - on how to make your life more rewarding, how to care for others and do things you like. By wanting to hurt him you are hurting more. Please stop punishing yourself honey...

All good advice above and I hope you are getting some comfort from loved ones and psychC.

I, personally, love William Blake 'Poems of Innocence and Experience' - there is something very profound and on some level soothing in these. The idea is that every experience takes away our innocence. And we are in contant inner battle between the two... I guess the beauty is to learn from our experience and not forget what innocence was like. To get in touch with our inner child and accept ourselves as we are. You are a kind and unique person. I hug you xxx

sharon123 · Mar 01, 2010, 02:33 PM

How about writing a letter of "restorative justice"--This is what you did, this is how it made me feel? It is for YOU, it doesn't matter what the criminal thinks, feels or says....I find it very empowering.

Hugs

WePow · Mar 01, 2010, 03:54 PM

(((rose))) we understand what you share... we are sad that you also know this pain and what was taken away.... just needed to say that

caring_whiterose · Mar 01, 2010, 04:34 PM

May I ask what you mean?

Quote:

Originally Posted by sharon123

How about writing a letter of "restorative justice"--This is what you did, this is how it made me feel? It is for YOU, it doesn't matter what the criminal thinks, feels or says....I find it very empowering.

Hugs

Tatyana2009 · Mar 01, 2010, 06:26 PM

If you see his face / name on your friend's page either do not visit her page or if you can - remove her as a friend on facebook. I would remove anything that may trigger from my life.

Writing a letter where you write, as if to the abuser, what what he did and how it made you feel, how it was wrong etc - is a very good idea. You do not need to give it to him, just use it as a platform to let all this pain out.

I do not know how long was this abuse or what he has done to you but I can see you are still suffering. Thinking about it and feeling it all over again must be so distressing. It sounds to me like you are suffering from post traumatic stress disorder. Typically - reliving the incedent / s, having nightmares, having reccuring thoughts of the abuse, etc. It looks like you were not capable of dealing with on your own (and who can blame you? this is so difficult to overcome!) and so please seek professional help. A good therpist can make a huge difference and give you some peace of mind and well being that you so deserve! You do not have to be the captive of the ordeal anymore. I am sending you big hugs xxx

caring_whiterose · Mar 01, 2010, 06:58 PM

Thank you, I will try that letter thing but that is also a scary thing to face. I don't want to cut that one friend out of my life totally though and that is how I communicate with here because she doesn't have a phone. I want to say things on here about stuff but I know it is way to graphic, I know it would help though.

I do have a T and I am in the process of looking for another. The T I have is not the nicest person. Plus all T's normally tell me stuff I know. Ugh...

Quote:

Originally Posted by Tatyana2009

If you see his face / name on your friend's page either do not visit her page or if you can - remove her as a friend on facebook. I would remove anything that may trigger from my life.

Writing a letter where you write, as if to the abuser, what what he did and how it made you feel, how it was wrong etc - is a very good idea. You do not need to give it to him, just use it as a platform to let all this pain out.

I do not know how long was this abuse or what he has done to you but I can see you are still suffering. Thinking about it and feeling it all over again must be so distressing. It sounds to me like you are suffering from post traumatic stress disorder. Typically - reliving the incedent / s, having nightmares, having reccuring thoughts of the abuse, etc. It looks like you were not capable of dealing with on your own (and who can blame you? this is so difficult to overcome!) and so please seek professional help. A good therpist can make a huge difference and give you some peace of mind and well being that you so deserve! You do not have to be the captive of the ordeal anymore. I am sending you big hugs xxx

Mar 01, 2010, 07:07 PM

A suggestion. If your therapists only tell you what you already know, help your therapist to help you by telling them what you want help with. You have put a lot of information and feelings into this thread. What happened to you is never far from your focus. Why not ask your therapist to help you with working through the pain?

Tatyana2009 · Mar 01, 2010, 08:32 PM

TheByzantine makes a good point. However - if you feel that your T is not a nice person (as you wrote) - I am glad you are looking for another T. In order to work through the pain and overcome trauma, stay present and get reconnected to yourself you must be able to trust your T. So best best of luck in finding a new T whom you feel comfortable with and can build trust.

I am glad you liked the letter idea. If you feel its too much, maybe when you find a new T write it together.

I think - if you feel the need and you think it would help - you can be graphic on here. Some times it helps to lay it down in writing and feel you have exposed that part of yourself so its not so vulnerable any more. If you feel it would help do it. If you feel its too much posting here and you want to continue talking - send me a private message. Either way - I am here to help. Hugs xxx

googley · Mar 01, 2010, 09:10 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by caring_whiterose

What if he thinks he didn't do anything wrong?

I have a question, does anyone ever think about it and actually physically feel it? It scares me when it happens. I just want to cry.

When I picture his face, when I remeber his smell, his laugh or just here is name I go back in time. It was my best friends cousin. My best friend at the time I still talk to on facebook sometimes but not much anymore. Sometimes he will post on her statis and I see his face again. It is burned in my memory.

I am sorry I am going on and on.....

I just sometimes want to give in but I know I can't which makes the fight harder. I am sooooo weak. I wish I could explain the pain and hurt I feel right now but I can't even put it into words. I guess it is even worse that I really dont talk about it that much. I should more even in chat but I want to be the strong one. I don't want to seem sad. I though sometimes I dont hide it well.

You are not weak! You are so strong.

It doesn't matter if he doesn't think he didn't do anything wrong. You know the truth that he did do something wrong. What you know is important. You are not at fault. He is! Know that you can ask for help. We are here to help. Please don't feel that you need to hide your need for help. Please ask for help when you need it.

caring_whiterose · Mar 01, 2010, 10:55 PM

Thank you eveyone. The first thing I want to say is he RAPED ME!

He did it he raped me. I suck. I suck at life and I let it happen. It is my fault and I know it. I want to say more and I will but I can't right now. I will explain later. But he raped me!

Mar 02, 2010, 12:26 AM

(((((((((((( caring_whiterose )))))))))))))

Tatyana2009 · Mar 02, 2010, 08:52 AM

I am so sorry honey.

I am sorry that you suffered so badly and that you still carry that suffering with you now. I wish I could do more than write.

But remember - it was not your fault! He did it. It was a wrong and awful thing to do. Its natural to internalise this but you have to remember you did nothing wrong.

How long ago was this?

caring_whiterose · Mar 02, 2010, 12:22 PM

Thank you all for you kind words (((((((everyone))))))

. I am sorry for complaining so much, I feel bad about it. I kinda have one more question, i was wondering if why my feels on this change day to day god also be because I am bi polar?

Fox · Mar 02, 2010, 01:35 PM

{hugs rose tightly and pours all my love and caringness into her} I've been lurking a bit and just watching. I don't have great words of wisdom, I've had to read things in bits and pieces. I want you to remember you always have me and I wish I could "fix" and change what happened but even if I could "fix" your feelings so you could ignore and move on I don't think you'd be here today as the wonderful person I've come to know and love as a great friend. This is a mountain in your journey. If you can climb it you will feel empowered again I hope.. . that or when you get to the top you'll see another much bigger mountain (hopefully not!) :P

caring_whiterose · Mar 02, 2010, 02:59 PM

((((((Foxy)))))

I love you!

I think you words were great and everyone's too!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Fox

{hugs rose tightly and pours all my love and caringness into her} I've been lurking a bit and just watching. I don't have great words of wisdom, I've had to read things in bits and pieces. I want you to remember you always have me and I wish I could "fix" and change what happened but even if I could "fix" your feelings so you could ignore and move on I don't think you'd be here today as the wonderful person I've come to know and love as a great friend. This is a mountain in your journey. If you can climb it you will feel empowered again I hope.. . that or when you get to the top you'll see another much bigger mountain (hopefully not!) :P

buttrfli42481 · Mar 03, 2010, 11:39 AM

(((((rose))))) I know exactly what you are going through. You do NOT suck, and you did NOT let it happen. HE choose to do that, HE is the one who sucks, HE is the one who is guilty. My now ex-husband did that to me. Over and over and over again. I didn't know there was such thing as that. I thought that since we were married, it was ok. My heart goes out to you. It is something that we will never forget, but we can heal. Someone mentioned to me the site www.rainn.org. They can fix you up with a T in your area that specializes in what you have been through. They even have trained counselors available online to chat with for free. We have been through a lot, and it seems like there is no other side. It is now when we are able to see the glimmer of light in the darkness. When we reach out for help.