If you were abused by a parent (or both parents), do you still long for a good Mommy and Daddy? And does that longing ever subside?

To me, this is the most painful part of the healing. I just want to be small and be held and comforted by a good, safe Mommy. It will never happen. It never did happen. The grieving over that never seems to end.

Just curious if anyone has found a way to be okay with that reality.

[jahrderglad]

Yes, I do still long for parents. Something that helped me alleviate it was having a loving boyfriend. Whenever I would have a flashback or get really anxious, he was always there to hold me and comfort me and make me feel safe. His parents were also really supportive; they pretty much adopted me and it felt like I had parents--good parents. So I suppose finding a support system to replace the one your parents couldn't give you is the best way to circumvent that. But finding that support system (and keeping it) is the hard part. Of course it will always hurt that your parents weren't there for you, but with time you'll at least come to accept the situation for what it is...and maybe even forgive them someday. I'm confident that time really will heal all wounds. Whenever I despair, I just remind myself that it will get better eventually, and all I need do is be patient. Don't give up hope, no matter what.

[AShadow721]

I just realized a very long time ago, when I was still a kid, that I'd never have a good father. Recently, I gave him another chance to be in my life. Now I realize he'll never change. I don't want a better father. I don't him to change. I don't want to give him another chance to. It's only my father that makes me feel sorry for him, so that I will try to give him another chance. But that's just his manipulation. I don't want a father at all. My mother was both the mother and father for me. My father was nothing. For me, I just developed a hate for my father. Then, I forgave and forgot, and let him back in my life, (well I really didn't have much of a choice). That was mistake. Find a good safe person to lean on. With that person you will get the love, comfort, and support that you needed as a child. Then work through the trauma, forgive, and let it go. But don't forget.

[Sannah]

Inner child work can help..........

[sharon123]

I never knew my father (met him when I was 32), and my mother was verbally and physically abusive. As my t said, "your friends have become your family." We all want our parents' love and approval. When we cannot get it, we have to grieve it, but turning towards others for love etc....is an alternative. Fortunately, my mother has mellowed a lot.

[sharon123]

P.S. I don't know if that need ever goes away (perhaps not); all we can do is find other alternatives...

Thanks for all the replies. What is inner child work, exactly?

The thing is, I don't want MY parents. I accepted a long long time ago that they will never be who I need them to be. I just want the fantasy of a good Mommy....someone who can hold me and tell me I'm safe. And realizing that this fantasy can't come true is what is painful for me.

Hope that makes sense.

[Sannah]

In therapy you can get in touch with that little child who is still inside of you. If you grew up in an unfortunate situation, your inner child still has unmet needs and unexpressed feelings and fears. In therapy you can get in touch with him/her and work on these things. This helps that child to grow up so that eventually you are one without this detached part of yourself which is hurting.

I still hear and see what happened over fifty years ago. Fortunately, I was able to forgive and reconcile. That process, like healing, is ongoing.

[michele#3]

I don't think it ever does. I'm not saying that it can't get better. For me anyway it did. Still, I'm jumpier and warier than I would be if I hadn't been abused by my parents. Oh, and the relationship choices I've made wouldn't have happened if I hadn't been abused. Anyway for me it has gotten better, but apparently not good enough. I still can't work and live on disability and am afraid of close relationships.

[littlemisszombie]

it never has for me, i have always wanted a daddy, who would tell me im his little princess and a daddy who was there. i had no guidance from my dad, so i am pretty much screwed in all directions especially in relationships. i learnt nothing from him, and he gave me nothing positive. a crap role model for the male species. i sometimes cry coz it is unfair, i dont care that i sound like a teenager, but it is, because i loved him and he was rotten to me, so it has never gone away, because i just wanted, all ive ever wanted is for him to positively love me back for once like a normal person.