[Rebound]

I have clear memories of abuse by members of my family, ones that I always knew were there, that I simply didn't think about consciously once I moved out. Even when I began treatment for depression, then bi-polar disorder, it stayed hidden in my self-conscious. It never occurred to mention it to any of the health care professionals I have seen but just recently, my mind is dredging up all these memories, filling my mind with them to the point where now I can't stop thinking about them.

Somehow, during the time mentioned above when I just didn't think about it, no matter how messed up I got (and I got pretty messed up), it never occurred to me to attribute any of it to the way my family treated me as a child.

A brainwave just hit and I think it may be because I have a paternalistic bias that it is somehow worse if you are a girl. Since I have known so many abused women, in the back of my mind I'm thinking, "What right do I have to complain?"

Not to go into too much detail, but I was sexually abused by 2 of my brothers and physically and verbally abused by my father and several of my brothers.

Anyway, this is just bringing my brain to a halt every time these images intrude on my thoughts.

I wish to ask for your input as to how these events may have affected my behavior without my being aware of the cause.

I think to answer my question, you may need more information. Read on if this interests you, but I do not include it out of self-pity, only for background.

According to the doctors, I have ADHD, bi-polar disorder, and various anxiety issues. I'm 44. I've only just learned that I've had ADHD all along but I finally sought treatment for depression at 35.

I quit university half-way through a double major in math and English. I've had many jobs, rarely staying at any of them for more than 2 years. Usually around that time I would become either severely depressed or irrationally angry with the world.

I've had few girlfriends, or friend friends for that matter, never been married, no children.

Hello, Rebound. So sorry what happened to you. I am unable to provide any input with respect to your question. In view of your describing how the abuse stayed hidden in your subconscious, I do wonder why you have not been screened for a Dissociative Disorder.

[Rebound]

Thank you for your frank answer at any rate. I haven't seen my doctor since this all became such a concern but I intend to let him in on the secret asap.

[Sannah]

How we are treated as children is very important for how we develop. The good news is that you can fix and continue your development as an adult. I am glad that you are in treatment. Your memories must be surfacing because you finally feel safe and cared for? You can work through all of this and become healthier. We will support you here on your journey.

[BrokenNBeautiful]

Sitting with you in support...

Billi

[Rebound]

Thank you.

However, I'm concerned about my motives because for the longest time on the rare occasions I did think about it, it struck me at the time as not such a big deal. I'm afraid I may be just looking for attention. The only thing that helps me think otherwise is that, as I said, I can't get it out of my head now.

I say afraid because I don't want to think I'd be the sort of person to do that but please note, I've never posted about it since I joined that I can remember.

I'm sorry if I appear overly concerned with how I am perceived because that may make me appear insincere. Far from it. I am just struggling to convince myself not to just sweep it away again and I don't want anyone to feel support is wasted on me.

[purple_fins]

I'm so sorry for how you were treated in your childhood. (if it's OK to say that-- one time someone posted here how degrading it is when people tell her they are sorry..... I never mean to degrade when I say "sorry"-- I really truly mean -- I am sorry. hope you aren't offended)

Gosh!! it's weird but I could have written word for word some of what you wrote-- like this

I quit university half-way through........ I've had many jobs, rarely staying at any of them for more than 2 years. Usually around that time I would become either severely depressed or irrationally angry with the world.

I quit university half way through a degree.... and Oh my gosh!! I've never met anyone else that has the "2 year max" reaction with jobs! wow-- amazing. I've had so many jobs-- it's like you name it I've probably done it. *sigh*.....

I've had few girlfriends, or friend friends for that matter

me too. I don't have any friends and haven't had any for years....

You know-- you express yourself VERY well. I wish I could be like that.

I'm sorry if I appear overly concerned with how I am perceived because that may make me appear insincere. Far from it. I am just struggling to convince myself not to just sweep it away again and I don't want anyone to feel support is wasted on me.

I don't think you are insincere in any way at all. I sure know about sweeping things away and worry about others feeling that their support is wasted..... but please.... YOU are not ever a waste and those that respond do so becasue they care and want to. Try not to worry bout that-- if you can.

thanks for sharing and I hope that you find much support and healing.

fins

[Rebound]

I think if there's one thing I would appreciate comments about and that is if you'd be surprised if I told you I have difficulty forming close and/or lasting relationships.

[purple_fins]

Originally Posted by Rebound

I think if there's one thing I would appreciate comments about and that is if you'd be surprised if I told you I have difficulty forming close and/or lasting relationships.

I'm not surprised that you have difficulty forming close relationships.
You have been wronged/hurt by people in your early years and that has long lasting affects.

I think it was a great step to post here.
I wish much healing for you.

Rebound

fins

[dfh932]

((((((Rebound)))))))
Childhood abuse can have profound effects on us our whole lives. It can affect our identity, relationships, self-worth, happiness, and ability to cope with the world.

At least it has for me. I don't know what your specific outcome is...but there are many very common behaviors and consequences of child abuse that manifest themselves sometimes for an entire lifetime, if they aren't dealt with...

Something that happened when you were young ....that is when we are forming the most basic ideas about how the world works, and who we are in it, and what the world looks like to us. If you are brough up learning that life is full of anger, fear, abuse, violence, confusion...it would be hard to see the world as a kind place. Because that is when we learn about how people are, and what to expect from life and other people.

(((((((rebound)))))))) hope this helps.

[Rebound]

Oddly, I just don't seem to get it. The spark that truly kindles deep bonds just doesn't seem to be there.

[Sannah]

Maybe you need to find yourself first?

http://www.jimhopper.com/abstats/#effects

[NuckingFutz]

Hey Rebound. Been thinking about this a lot. Call me on my line when you want. I have a failure to bond issue because of SA.