one step, two step........

(Warning: there is some language that could trigger, please read with self care in mind)

It's days like these, I don't know what to feel, what to say, what to do....

I feel worn, very worn, not tired, just weary

My anger comes in flashes, snapping at me, making me want to lash out, makes me irritable and edgy, I get angry at what happend, how it affects my life, how it's always going to be there in my life,

then as quick as the anger comes, it fades, and I'm left not sad, just empty,

It is what it is, I can't change the past, I can only change the here and now, and my future, I can change me...

Those nasty words, they still feel fresh, like they were being whispered in my ear at this moment "no man will ever want you, your dirty now, if anyone knew they wouldn't love you, nobody loves dirty *****s" the awful sing song voice he would use after the abuse "just so pretty all your fault, I had to have you, so pretty, too pretty, all your fault"

a part of me just wants to give in, lay here and believe the words, just shake my head yes and go along with them,

but the bigger part, screams at them yells at them tells them to go away, they were NEVER true, and NEVER will be, that I was a child then and I am an adult now, and I can't be hurt anymore, that those words I have the knowledge to know they aren't true, were never true, taht I'm not those things, I am me, I am a grown woman, and it's okay to feel pretty nobody is going to hurt me because I feel that way, that I am not dirty or a *****, I'm a human being, I am a woman, a woman that was taken advantage of and hurt as a child...

I want to escape this, want to put an end to it, I know, it will never be gone from me, just how it affects me will be gone, I choose what to do with this from here on out, I choose how I let it affect my life,

It's good to know that, but also exhausting, so very exhuasting.....

((((((((((((((((typo)))))))))))))))))

No one is going to hurt you now, and that person who hurt you then....i'm a believer in karma. Sometimes we have to be ...It can be so hard to sit with those feelings, alone, and experience all that and not be able to just get it out for good...
But one day you will, one day it will be better...I really believe that ...because....those were lies, that person lied to you in a million ways and one day, it will feel good to be pretty, to be in your body and beautiful without fear or pain.
Because we started out not knowing about the pain and evil in the world, we started out seeing everything as wonderful, and there was joy....and i try every day to get back to that place, that "before" place...where everything was different...and even though i couldn't control the situation then...I can now...And there are glipses of it everywhere, all the time...but those voices certainly do get in the way of connecting with it...but I understand your pain and struggle.

(((((((( Typo )))))))))

You can shout this loud and clear, you have a right to feel angry about it. Let the child within you have a voice.

There is more work to do, Typo. May you progress with all deliberate speed.

http://www.4therapy.com/consumer/con...+Love+Yourself

Be well, my friend.

Typo, have you discussed this in therapy yet (with all of your feelings from that time present)?

I think I may print this for T, I see her April 5th, I have discussed it in bits and pieces, I get so toungetied when I have to talk about it, I want to hide, I can't look T in the eye, I just stare at the ground or my little stuffed ox,

She knows that he use to call me a ***** during teh abuse, and I brought in a drawing I did a few weeks ago, right now she is really wanting to work on me tearing down walls and building up stronger relationships, sort of letting the fear stop controlling my life

It all gets so confusing, boggles my poor birdie brain...

Well, I am with you in thought dear feathered sibbling. Time to tear down those shadowed walls.
((((((((Typo))))))))

I was in my forties, going to a t for marital problems. It was early on, out of the blue, he asked, "were you ever molested?" My blood ran cold, how could he have known? It was never discussed, ever, to no one, not ever! I shrunk, startled, sick and afraid! What strength let me say, "yes!" I cried and cried; it was out! Gently, gently the black truth came out. All the details were not necessary, it was out! Finally, I was forgiven, I wouldn't go to hell! My uncle would go to hell, not me! My t took me gently out of hell, into a caring world.

When I next saw my pdoc, (he knew t) he asked how it was going and I said, "he went right for the jugular!" And I smiled!!

Still, I have trouble accepting the drive of male sexuality. I almost pity them. Now, there is a dull understanding, and an informed forgiveness for myself, that I can live with comfortably. It will never be forgotten. It changed who I became; how I relate to men and how I parented! I could have grown so many ways, but I came out the other side a better person.

Believe in yourself, believe in your strength...you can survive, happily too!

http://www.jimhopper.com/abstats/#effects