[AShadow721]

Like I always do, I pushed away what I had remembered from the flashback I had a few weeks ago. I almost forgot I had it until now. It's just a constant struggle, wanting to remember to feel validated, like you aren't crazy or making it all up, and so you can deal with it. And then there's most of the time, not wanting to remember at all, not wanting to admit it affected your life, so you can pretend to be a happy-go-lucky person, like you were never abused (so you can be like everyone else that wasn't or fit in with them at least)....I saw something the other morning and it was all the validation I needed, but it made me physically sick. I was actually throwing up and everything. I was trying to burn some music videos onto a DVD and the computer shut down. So when I tried again, I tried to see if I could open up what I had already ready to burn, and I saw a DVD burn project that my father had made. It was all pornography and one of the descriptions said "a preteen being raped".

[whoswho]

How awful. Your dad sounds just like my brother. I always wonder if I'm making everything up, too. It's terrible, this "not knowing," just trying to figure out if there's even a reason to be upset or if it's all in my head.

I'm sorry you had to go through flashbacks, but I am glad that you have the strength to overcome it and post here... It always helps people like me that aren't quite so brave.

I am wishing you well...

[REEG]

Originally Posted by AShadow721

Like I always do, I pushed away what I had remembered from the flashback I had a few weeks ago. I almost forgot I had it until now. It's just a constant struggle, wanting to remember to feel validated, like you aren't crazy or making it all up, and so you can deal with it. And then there's most of the time, not wanting to remember at all, not wanting to admit it affected your life, so you can pretend to be a happy-go-lucky person, like you were never abused (so you can be like everyone else that wasn't or fit in with them at least)....I saw something the other morning and it was all the validation I needed, but it made me physically sick. I was actually throwing up and everything. I was trying to burn some music videos onto a DVD and the computer shut down. So when I tried again, I tried to see if I could open up what I had already ready to burn, and I saw a DVD burn project that my father had made. It was all pornography and one of the descriptions said "a preteen being raped".

A Shadow, what a good descruiption of dealing with SA memories and flashbacks- It's interesting the way we fight it so hard then WHAM! Sorry that the flashback was occurring, glad you were able to post here. Rading your story helped me feel less alone tonight, Thanks.

[WePow]

((((((((( ashadow ))))))) can you turn it into the authorites?

[AShadow721]

Whoswho - Thank you. Many times I have that "not knowing" feeling. It's just because I chose not to remember, because I couldn't deal with it. I still don't think I can and trying to remember and deal with it is hard and scary. Inside, I do know, the flashbacks are enough to know. When you understand what the flashbacks are, you'll start to understand it better. Sometimes we don't know, and it took one recent flashback for me to understand that it was indeed a flashback. I know that I closed my eyes and that is why I don't remember most of the sights. That's why when I have flashbacks, they're mostly physical feelings, sounds, and tastes.

REEG - I'm glad you could understand my feelings and what I was saying. I know, it's not fair that we try to forget it and erase it all, then it comes back to ruin our day. But I'm trying to read some books and work through it like they say to. It hard on me though. I have to take it really slow. Sometimes I can read the books for a few days in a row, but sometimes I can only read them one day and I have to wait a few weeks to go back to it.

Wepow - I don't know if I can, because it is only a summary of what was burned, he erased the actually "pornography" off the computer already.

[WePow]

Actually - even when the images are deleted from a computer, the image is still there on the hard drive. I have a friend who works on recovering data from computers seized from criminals. If you saw the summary on the computer, the authorities CAN recover the images. If you are afraid to turn in your dad - make an anonymous tip to the FBI: https://tips.fbi.gov/

Sorry for all you went through.

[AtreyuFreak]

This is what I'm wondering (and if you should go to the police, what I'm sure they will wonder too): is it a "preteen" girl pretending to be raped, or an actual preteen girl actually being raped???? Though both are sick, (for the girls sake) I hope like hell that it's the first one... I'm sorry you had to find this. Can I ask if your dad was, by chance, your abuser?

I can see why that would make you sick. Sorry about your discovery.

And if I were you, I'd contact the authorities anyway. Let them be the ones to decide whether they can do anything about it or not.

[AShadow721]

Yes, my father was my abuser.