[claygenius]

Today I had therapy and though it was not pleasant I really feel better after talking about things. I was wondering to those of you who have experienced SA a long time ago ever start wondering if you maybe are remembering it wrong or if maybe you somehow made it up...even though you have plenty of evidence that what you remember happening is real? I find myself doing this and after discussing this with my T, I know that this fear is not founded in any truth, but I was just wondering if I am alone in this.

Also, I find that even though I have been talking to my T on and off for over three years, I still have difficulty talking about SA and issues relating to it. I was finally able to tell her this today and she said that it is completely normal to feel uncomfortable talking about these issues... But i just feel like a freak about all of this. Everything about it makes me feel like I'm slime. I've never talked about this, especially nothing this public, but maybe if someone can relate...maybe I can feel a little less like I'm a freak.

Thanks to any of you who respond.

[REEG]

[quote=claygenius;1346556]\ I was wondering to those of you who have experienced SA a long time ago ever start wondering if you maybe are remembering it wrong or if maybe you somehow made it up...even though you have plenty of evidence that what you remember happening is real? "

Clay, you are NOT alone! This is a very common dynamic when discolosing SA. I can relate!!! It's tough to look at the reality of the situation, and talking about it makes it so REAL. Denying/ minimizing were effective coping strategies for many of us for so long, and are well worn paths, easy to go down again and again..

"Everything about it makes me feel like I'm slime. I've never talked about this, especially nothing this public, but maybe if someone can relate...maybe I can feel a little less like I'm a freak."

Yes! Ditto!!! And it's funny, since I work in public mental health setting, where we see many people who have SA hx. I woudn't DREAM of thinking they were slime... but this all defies logic, it's an early deep hurt. At times, I can break out of it by thinking, how would I treat a friend who was going through this what would I say, what would I do? But early on, it's just all emotion. It DOES get better and you are NOT alone, hang in there

[ruffy]

(((claygenius))) My sister and I, who have both had issues with SA have often sat down and wondered the same as you. Did that really happen? We wonder, were we so young, that we together just made all of this up in our minds because, thats what young kids do? Exaggerate, add to, or innocently miss tell stories. But then we cant deny that both our stories, no matter how far fetched they may seem, end up with the same conclusion, SA. What child at any age, would even know what SA was, if they hadnt been exposed to some form of it at one point. Hope this helps.

http://www.therapy-insights.com/Over...xual_Abuse.php

[claygenius]

Thanks to all of you. I especially liked the link Byzantine

[ashsoccergirl]

i also agree with everyone else. i have experienced SA at a young age for a long time. i have the same questions all the time especially since the people ive told have told me that i was exaggerating or lying. i hate talking about what happened or hearing stories about the same stuff, even saying the words make me sick. u are definately not alone or a freak. try picturing if it was ur best friend who was going through the same thing, would u feel the same about them or think the same things. i have to run but im here if u ever need or want to talk or need someone to listen. hope things get better!

[WePow]

I do wonder. My T has more confidence in my memories than I do. He said that my body tells him what is going on and he can see the tension. He said if I listen to my body, I will know the truth. Sure enough, he is right. I experimented by remembering something that I knew was not accurate. It was a lie based on the truth - I turned it into a lie because I was ashamed of what happened and it was just something really messed up. At the time, I started to believe the lie. But then I knew my truth and so I dropped the lie. When I thought of the situation in the frame of mind as the lie - my body was different. When I thought about the situation in the frame of the truth about it - my body totally changed. It tripped me out. But I can see what T means. So now, I go with that.

[REEG]

Originally Posted by WePow

I do wonder. My T has more confidence in my memories than I do. He said that my body tells him what is going on and he can see the tension. He said if I listen to my body, I will know the truth. Sure enough, he is right. I experimented by remembering something that I knew was not accurate. It was a lie based on the truth - I turned it into a lie because I was ashamed of what happened and it was just something really messed up. At the time, I started to believe the lie. But then I knew my truth and so I dropped the lie. When I thought of the situation in the frame of mind as the lie - my body was different. When I thought about the situation in the frame of the truth about it - my body totally changed. It tripped me out. But I can see what T means. So now, I go with that.

Sorry if this is 'bad form' I'm just figuring all the etiquette around here, and would apreciate 'gentle coaching' if there is a preferred way to do this.

I'd like to hear more about this, WePow, if you'd like to tell us. How do you your listen to your body? What differeneces do you experience- this sure seems as if it could be helpful.

[claygenius]

Thanks Reeg, I was wondering the same thing and didn't want to sound stupid I'd like to know. I know I have a lot of tension when talking about this stuff.

[Perna]

I think anything that happens to us as children, when we're "alone" comes up for question by our adult selves later. When I was 13 or so I went to summer camp, cut my foot in the dammed-up river, swimming "pool", and was taken to the local general hospital to get stitches. They got infected and I had to go back and got a penicillin shot and it turned out I was allergic to penicillin and broke out in hives. The camp nurse gave me someone else's allergy medicine!!!!! and the hives went away and eventually I went home, etc. Going to the doctor's with my mother after that, of course they're drilling me with questions and I'm answering but I was a kid and started to feel worried that maybe I didn't have it right, that I'd made up things, etc., especially since the nurse gave me someone else's medicine (I didn't realize it at the time as it was early-1960's and I just assumed she had the right medicine and was like a doctor, etc.) and I was made to understand how "wrong" that was, etc.

I think once we "escape" from a bad situation that the questions happen as we understand so much more afterwards than when we're in the thick of things and the horror at what happened just kind of boggles our mind?

I still, after 45+ years tell all doctors/medical personnel I'm allergic to penicillin but there's still that doubt! I was a kid, alone, and didn't understand the situation completely and was questioned about it afterwards so now I'm left to wonder.

[WePow]

Reeg, that is something I am still learning how to do.
The body stores trauma memory in the cells themselves.
When we remember trauma, our body will respond to protect itself based on what happened in the past to the body. For example, when I think of being in trouble at work for something - even if I am not in trouble but if I have to wait a few hours to talk with my boss about the thing - my rear end gets very hot in a way that hurts. And I start to have pain in the genital area. This confused me for most of my life until a month ago when I realized that part of the CSA done to me involved being in trouble and having to wait for my dad to get home. When I did get spanked, it included CSA. This left a very distinct body memory.

Here are a few links to maybe help a bit:
http://www.statemaster.com/encyclopedia/Body-memory

http://www.trauma-central.com/index....d=47&Itemid=60

[REEG]

WeOw, thank you for your description, it really helped! I'm struck by how helpful it is to specifically describe what is going on in our bodies, and just how hard that is to do with S and other trauma experiences.

I really liked the links

This discussion reminds me of Alice Miller's work.

http://www.alice-miller.com/books_en.php

The Body Never Lies and For Your Own Good are both books that may be helpful to others.

[AShadow721]

When we go through the abuse, we don't want to talk about it or think about it or think that it even happened. Also, the abuser is not going to talk about it or admit that it happened, and neither would anyone that may have witnessed it. It is different. Say you were in a trauma like a car accident, when you see people that weren't involved you would probably tell them about it. That makes in more real and valid, and it also helps you deal with the trauma. SA, is a secret, and the abuser usually denies it, and the abuser and other may tell us we are lying or it wasn't as bad as we make it seem, or it was our fault, or whatever. This is what confuses us. And when the abuser or others tell you, you're lying and you don't want to believe it happened yourself, you can begin to deny it. Then when you're old enough to realize what really did happen, that you weren't the one wrong, you can wonder if it really happened, because of all that denying it to yourself and other's denying it when you were a child. I can totally understand how I suppressed memories and why I did now, because of a recent trauma. I feel the same way about it. I want it erased from my life in my memory. I want to believe it never happened.

[claygenius]

AShadow,
I also sometimes try to pretend it away and wish it would just disappear. Thanks for sharing that as I struggle with pretending it didn't happen and wishing it would just "poof" be gone

Thanks to all of you for sharing. This has really helped!!!!!! (Safe group hug)

[shezbut]

((claygenious))

Yes, I've struggled with similar thoughts and feelings throughout my life. I have questioned my memories always. The memories have come and go through years of repression. The one thing that remains solid is that my parents found out about incest the day after it ocurred, and we supposedly talked about it then (though I have no memory of the talk). I have brought it up 4 or 5 more times, each time thinking it's the very first time I've told anyone. Freaking memory, argh!

My memory of my entire youth has always been horrible, which I presume is due to lots of repression. Almost one year ago, I began recalling SA incidents from my youth. I've talked about it much more than I ever have ~ and I hope that don't repress the memories again. Anxious to just get through already!

My T and I theorize that my self-hate is due to these things happening so early in my life, and living in a highly dysfunctional and abusive household. It's a horrible part of my life, but one that I must accept to get past this deep shame and self-hate I carry. I think that *maybe* the more that I talk about these experiences and emotions linked to them, the sooner I will able to accept my past. Just maybe. I sure hope that it works!

(((hugs))) to you!

[shezbut]

Byzantine,

Thank you very much for the link! That was reassuring. To hear that what I've done for so many years isn't uncommon kind of makes me feel better. I'm not such a weirdo?? Whoa. Gonna take time to get used to that concept.