[shezbut]

I woke yesterday with a disturbing memory. Now a few Q's are hounding me.


My memory has always been real shotty, long before drugs and seizures entered my life. I've only recalled little pieces (here and there) even when I lived in those times.

My brother and I got "caught" in the hallway, by my sister, when I was 5 y.o. I was giving my brother a bj.

That's a memory I've shared and forgotten many times since the day after it happened. I never really put two + two together. I always wondered why I would keep finding myself giving to men. Their wish is like my "command". For as long as I can recall, I've always hated myself. And I mean HATE!

At the same time, while everyone was against my elder sister, I'm also the only one who stuck up for her. My brother and sister got into intense fights & I'd be screaming at the top of my lungs for them to stop. I hated their fights. When my sister wasn't around, my brother and I got along. But I was also expected to be with him, do what he wanted, or get my arse kicked by him. And he certainly didn't take it easy on me! He'd sit on me, pinning me down, seriously choking me. He had a fire in his eyes ~ a malicious evil fire. His eyes danced with glee, as I seriously thought I was going die.

Is it possible that I suffered more with my brother than I thought, which is why; 1. I always gave bj's & knew how, but don't recall learning and 2. I looked at going to my aunt's house as my escape. It's where Ed (her bf & my molester) lived.

Sounds like alot more than your brother. You say you looked forward to going to your aunt's house where your molester lived. What was up with that? What did your Aunt's bf do to you? He was much older, maybe he taught you to give bj's--not your brother? Didn't your Aunt have any idea what was going on?

You might want to do some detective work. JMO--theo

[shezbut]

Originally Posted by theodora

Sounds like alot more than your brother. You say you looked forward to going to your aunt's house where your molester lived. What was up with that? What did your Aunt's bf do to you? He was much older, maybe he taught you to give bj's--not your brother? Didn't your Aunt have any idea what was going on?

You might want to do some detective work. JMO--theo

Hi theo,

Thanks for responding.

Yes, I do know that it was a lot more than my brother. But my aunt's bf wasn't in her life until we moved to California ~ and I was 7 when we moved. My aunt is 13 years older than I am, and was greatly involved in mary jane and drinking. I quickly became involved in it as well, since she and I were often together. It is complicated.

I come from a sick family. Really sick. When I came forward about my aunt's bf (then hub) molesting me, we were ostrasized from the extended family for 3 years. During that time, my youngest uncle (7 years older than I) came forward to apologize for molesting my brother, Mark. Mark was 13 and Greg was 17 when it occurred. Greg also admitted to making advances towards my sister (which I do vaguely recall). She is 4 years older than I, and was completely repulsed by Greg's advances. And Greg admitted to having a long-term incestuous relationship with Jeff, 9 years older than I.

With the horrid fights and hate at home in my youth, I went to my aunt's house at every opportunity. I could never understand how I reasoned that the atmosphere there was more safe than the one at my house. I was around a lot of pot smoking and drinking every day. My uncle was a disgusting pervert, with whom I absolutely dreaded all interraction. But WHY would I be willing to undergo all of those unpleasant, unhealthy experiences...rather than be at home??

I can only reason that the intense fights that I both saw and underwent were more of a scare. My sister, Janet, was always in and out of my life. Due to Juvenile Hall and my Dad's parents stepping in to take her away. Lots of back and forth. Confusing! But maybe, Janet's actually the healthiest one in my family. At least she had the nerver to turn my uncle down. Janet also had the nerve to stand up to my brother (one year younger than she), and would never give in. She also defied my mom, which is her step-mother. My mom hated Janet...but she never admitted it. Everyone easily picked up on the hate between them, and I had horrible nightmares. One struck before we even moved to Ca. Where my mom strangled Janet with a wire hanger. Scared the heck out of me (and still does). Ever since, wire hangers have scared the bejeezers out of me!! I can still visualize that image I had so many years ago.

Anyway~ I honestly believe that my sister, Janet, became antisocial because of the extreme negativity that followed her throughout childhood. I always tried to give Janet my support and understanding, because I always felt that negativity and hate surrounding her in my house. I hated it! I went out of my way to make things better, but it never *ever* worked.

I don't know if I'm all over the place. It kind of feels like I am...but it's just so freaking complicated. Bunch of sicko's in my family. I hate it. I hate them! I don't want these sick memories to haunt me anymore! Why oh why can't I have some healthy, happy memories?? Disgusting.

[AShadow721]

I'm so confused about your siblings and their ages and whatnot. How old was this brother when you were five? I do understand that your home life was very negative. And I can understand your reasoning to want to be at your aunt's house instead. I think a lot more happened with your brother than you remember and maybe even more than one, since the SA was so predominate in the household. And the first learned that from somewhere, and the other may have learned it from him or from the original abuser (which sounds like it was your youngest uncle). Since, the abuse filled your home, it makes sense to me why you would want to go to a home that contained less abuse. It may confuse you now, why did you willingly want to go there? But when you were a child, your home was what you knew to be "normal", so your aunt's house was in fact better, even with the abuse there. So don't feel ashamed of yourself for wanting to go there. You as a child just wanted to feel safer. Don't hate yourself it is not your fault that these two people hurt you. Once you understand and work through these traumas, you'll probably be able to understand that it is okay to love and respect yourself and ask for just as much as you give in relationships.

[AShadow721]

Originally Posted by shezbut

He'd sit on me, pinning me down, seriously choking me. He had a fire in his eyes ~ a malicious evil fire. His eyes danced with glee, as I seriously thought I was going die.

My sister did this exact same thing to me, because I didn't want to go to ballet class.

[Typo]

(((((((((((Shezbut)))))))))))))

Sending peaceful healing thoughts to you, please remember it wasn't your fault, you were just a child, you have every right to love yourself and leave your past behind, it doesn't define the person you are. You are more than their abuse or hateful words and actions. I know that is easier said than done, I struggle with it too. I have found you to be a wonderful, kind and supportive person, one I"m proud to know and I hope I can get to know better.

Lots of love
Typo

[shezbut]

Originally Posted by AShadow721

My sister did this exact same thing to me, because I didn't want to go to ballet class.

Kinda () nice to know others that have experienced that same terror. Does it freak you out when you recall those times? Did you hold any resentment towards your sister for this behavior?

I know that most sibling relationships have fights. Some physical, a lot emotional, etc. But, a fight to this extent feels pretty extreme to me. Am I wrong??

Thank you for the previous post of support ~ I appreciate it!

Shez

[shezbut]

Thank you Typo.

Intellectually, I may understand my suffering not being my fault. But it just doesn't change my feelings. I sure wish that it could!

I guess that I need more time and more practice of my misnomer "self-love'.

Shez

[AShadow721]

It was very scary. You are not wrong to think that was extreme. It was. I told my mother, but she never really did anything. My mother was kind of afraid of my sister too, she could never stand up to her and she still can't. I never really fought with my sister much, but she always fought with me. I mean I never really fought back. Yes, I was very upset with her and I became more afraid of her. But now, I forgave her, and I want her to never be mad at me. I want to be close to her, she's my only sibling. Of course, there's always these wounds and tension, because of the past, and we never will be close like I wish we could be.

[shezbut]

((hugs)) ~ I'm amazed that you've been able to forgive your sister.

I've really struggled with the concept of forgiveness. Intellectually, I understand that it's the only way we can allow our heavy baggage to become less of a burden. Emotionally, I cannot understand how to forgive. HOW ~ I don't know.

Shez

[AShadow721]

Since your brother also SA'd you, it's a lot harder to forgive. I still do not forgive any of my sexual attackers. I don't know if I ever will. It's a lot harder to understand how to, or why I would even want to. Forgiveness can let go of the anger and hurt associated with the incident, but it still doesn't make the other person right in what they did.

For instance, in the situation with my sister, I suppose I could understand that she never learned how to express anger appropriately, because she was also physically abused (she still will never admit to it, or that it was wrong, she believes that it was good for her, and that it is good to do it to other kids as well). I can forgive her for her ignorance, because that is all she ever knew. I remember talking to my father on the phone one day as a child and he made me cry hysterically. He told me that my mother doesn't know how to parent right, because she doesn't "discipline" like he does. I believe this had to do with a situation where in middle school I was able to choose an elective. I had a choice between vocal music and gym, band, or orchestra. I loved to sing and dance, but if I chose vocal music, I had to be in gym as well and since my father abused us in a way of sports (he made us play sports without water or a break, forced us to watch sports with him, etc.), i couldn't do that. So, I chose band since some of my friends chose it as well. Well, my father was very angry about this. He said that band members were geeks and he couldn't have me play in band. He said that if I didn't switch to orchestra, he was going to call my school and have me switched to gym. Well, I had to switch to orchestra, after 10 thousand emotionally abusive phone calls (most of them I didn't answer at first, but I was pretty much forced to after a while). Anyway, my sister believes my father's brainwashing, that he was a better parent, because he "disciplined" us and my mother didn't. My mother had discussions with us usually (instead of physically abusing us), gave us time-outs, took away priviledges, etc. She disciplined, it just wasn't what my father thought was discipline.

But what my sister did was learned from my father, that doesn't make her right, and maybe it doesn't mean she couldn't think for herself. It took a long time, but I had to forgive her, because I loved her and wanted to have a relationship with her. With your brother, you probably lost respect and love for him, because of the SA, so that makes it harder to forgive, because you probably don't even want to.

[50guy]

I had an older cousin that was my abuser, plus his friends and every other pervert in the community. I've been over my story a few times here so I won't do it again.
All I can say is that there are some sick perverted weirdo's in this world. I would have loved to have crushed my abusers face or chopped his **** off and shoved it down his throat or up his butt. Too bad he dropped dead of a heart attack at age 57 a few years ago. I say too bad because it was too good of a way for him to die. I would have much rathered he was murdered or drown or in a horrific car crash or a fire.Eeven a suicide would have been better.......committing it while being tormented by the memories of all that he did to me. Maybe I'm just cold blooded, but man I would have loved to have been there to see him drop.

[shezbut]

Thank you AShadow21.

I can understand where you're coming from now. Thank you for sharing a bit of your personal experience.

I bawled my eyes out in therapy yesterday. The first time I've ever really talked about my memories and the emotions connected. It was kind of a relief to be able to say how I really feel. How I feel about my family ~ my brother, sister, mother, and myself. Allowing myself to talk openly about these things also allowed lots of repressed thoughts and emotions pop up. Not "fun", per se, but kind of relieving to know that I do have more feelings than self-blame.

Also very relieving to be validated with my feelings about my childhood. I lived in a very unhealthy environment. Overpowering and intense. As the peacekeeper, I saw it as the best thing to simply give in to demands made by others. That's where the self-blame and self-hate come in to play. Anger towards my mom and brother also kicks in here. Resentment for not showing my sister love and/or respect. Parents always supported my brother, and my sister was the one who got into trouble for everything. It's no wonder that my sister became antisocial by her early teens. I seriously blame my mom for this and have a lot of anger towards her for not admitting it. My mom absolutely refuses. She's just convinced that my sister was antisocial from birth. I disagree intensely!

At least my sister, Janet, had the nerve to turn my sick uncle down and fight my brother off. Freakin sick family! Poor Janet should have been supported, rather than blamed as a "bad girl" and pushed away. My support and attention wasn't even close to what Janet needed. She needed love from her parents to be shown to her. I suppose that's why I've always gone out of my way to show Janet love and support. Even as her antisocial personality became undeniable, I couldn't blame Janet.

I believe that Janet knows that. She never hesitated to contact me when she did need something. I always hoped that I could somehow help Janet ~ but my mom put an end to that too. Gave her some money and told her to never, ever call again for help. F'in biatch! I was furious when mom told me what she did! (I think that was about 7 years ago.) There's no way Janet could find us now, and I've tried to find her. No luck. I just want to know that she and her kids are okay. The crap my mom has said to my sister is horrible. And I'm angry!

Sorry about the long post. Just trying to get these thoughts and feelings out. Let them be free. Thanks for reading, if you made it this far!

[shezbut]

(((50guy)))

I think it's wonderful that you have not held any of the anger towards yourself.

It's very sad that your cousin was so sick. What torment! I can only imagine how horrible it is for you to suffer these memories.

The uncle that molested me died about 15 years ago. He was an alcoholic. One night, as he left happy hour at his neighborhood restaurant, he tripped down the steps and stabbed his jugular vein in the neck with the iron handrail. He suffered for a few weeks in the hospital before dying. Not one tear passed by me. A very peculiar and ironic death ~ he absolutely deserved what he got! My anger towards him is gone. My experience with him is not pleasant memories, but I have accepted those memories. He did at least apologize to me, several years after. He didn't recall any of it, but at least he took responsibility to me.

It's awfully hard when the abusers don't take responsibility. Like my brother. He won't ever apologize, and that resentment burns inside of me.

Thanks for posting!

[50guy]

Shez....
I know what you mean, I resent that he never offered an apology. Not that it would have been accepted by me because I believe he wouldn't have been sincere, he would offer it to keep me from physically hurting him, that's all. He was worthless all his life. He brought a lot of hardship on himself due to his perversion.

I don't really have anger toward myself as much as I wonder why I didn't tell or fight more. That little boy inside me, I love him so much and he loves me. Together we get through this. Some people say....don't you want to be cured from DID? I say NO, I like the way I am, but as the adult, I have to be in charge. Eric is still 9 years old in a 54 year old body. We have a lot of fun together, unless you aren't DID it is hard to understand.

Have a great day.