[Typo]

I live in fear, fear controls my life, my actions, everything,

What I am struggling with the most right now, is my fear of men,

I want to share first off before I start rambling I am in no way bashing men in this post, I am sharing the experinces I have had that have lead to me fearing having a close intimate emotional relationship with a man, and what has led me to have a fear of men in general. I have many close male friends from PC, and I know of many good men I am proud to know and call my family and friends.

I am at this point in my current realtionship to take a big step, and I am freaking out, looking for exits, looking for reasons to run, just run away, my huge fears are being dragged up, I am full of doubts that make my stomach turn

I have seen very few healthy relationships in my lifetime, my parent's own marriage has been volitale at times, for about four years every fight was a showdown a screaming match, holes in the wall, broken dishes, broken furntiure, duck and cover, hide away while they tore the house down, tore each other down with nasty words. When I got in my first argument in my relationship I kept waiting to be cursed at, screamed at, called names, I was wincing waiting, for even the raise of a voice, nothing, never has he even raised his voice to me in the year we have been together, even when I have freaked out, raised my voice, said hateful things... I was in shock, I thought that was how a relationship worked..

I have seen so much damage by men in relationships, my own father lied to my mother about our financial situation for over a year, he manipulated me into hiding infomation from my mother, sometimes even still today I feel as if I am married to my father, I love my parents very much, don't get me wrong, I don't think they ever intentionally did something to harm me, they have so many of their own problems, I deep in my heart believe they never meant to harm me, but they did do damage emotionally, my mom was very emotionally abusive to me for a majority of my teenage years, I was told I wasn't good enough, wasn't pretty, would never amunt to anything, that i was all talk no action, that I played victim, my fears weren't real, I would overreact to things, etc. etc.

I was sexually abused at a young age by my mother's half brother, I was told I was dirty, cheap, a *****, nobody would ever love me if they knew, and no man would ever want a dirty ***** like me...

I saw my best friend's parent's marriage fall apart, her dad became physically abusive to her and her mother, I even had to call the cops on him the night their divorce finalized, he broke into the house (I was staying with them at the time) and started in on a rampage,

I fear, so much, of getting in a place, of having a man mistreat me, abuse me, I promised myself, long ago,, I would NEVER fall in love, NEVER let myself become vulnerable to a man, and here I am now, head over heels and love, and it TERRIFIES ME, I from a very young age, closed myself off, I have such a fear of trusting people, I was teased, bullied, put down a lot in high school by guys, even male friends (looking back if you could have even called them friends) I learned to never take what a man had to say to heart, because it would come back to bite me in the ***, was just a lie, was just an insult in disguise,

I hate this, I really do, it's making having a relationship so hard, after being with someone for over a year, that has done nothing for the most part but show their love and support, that have said over and over again they want to see you grow, want to see you be the amazing person they know you as, to see you succeed and have a happy full life, how could you doubt that? Think they would ever harm you? and it hasn't been an easy year, it took a lot of me freaking out, bolting for weeks with no communication, shutting down, blocking them out of my life at times, to be here today, if somone didn't care, really care they would have just walked away.... he encouraged me to go back to therapy, to deal with these things (I dropped out of therapy for a peroid of 4months because I was to afriad to deal with my issues)

But the fear still remains, all the pariond thoughts, all the worst case scenarios, every little what if, every little creeping doubt comes in and washes me away in panic and anxiety... I just keep waiting, keep waiting to be let down, hurt, manipulated, put down, to be laughed at, to be disapointed, to be made a fool of....

Why, I don't want to be afraid, I don't want this fear, I want to be able to love fully, openly, to trust, to be confident and secure, not just in a romantic relationship, not just with men, but with my friends, my family,

Is it ever going to get better? Am I ever going to feel safe?

I feel parinod and sick now after writing this, half of me doesn't want to post it, another part wants to delete it, delete my account, and run away, withdraw, punish myself for speaking of these things...

So much fear, and it's eating me alive...

[jexa]

((((Typo)))) It is just exhausting, isn't it? Knowing that there's something faulty with your trust mechanism. Trust starts out as this well-oiled machine, and trauma and betrayal throw rocks into the gears. And you think, is it broken for good? Can it be fixed?

I believe that it can. But only with persistence. Continuing therapy. Being totally honest. And not letting setbacks stop the healing process. It sounds like you are in a loving relationship where you wish you could trust more. This guy sounds like he's safe. Is that right?

If so, that is one of the most healing things in the world. I know that my last relationship, which was almost 3 years, was so incredibly healing for me. We had to part ways but he forever changed me for the better. You could say he fixed the major broken pieces of my trust machine. But only with time and patience and so much love. There is nothing more healing than being truly loved and treated with respect and care. It sucks that this is happening but you will wade through it.. and at the other side, you will breathe easier. Peace to you, Typo.

[lynn P.]

(((Typo))) - I think if we don't have a good model growing up, we don't have a good reference to pattern our own lives. You've also been burned and abused which would make anyone afraid. I'm also not against men, but due to the strange marriage problem I have, I wonder if I ever got out of the marriage - how could I trust anyone again. I also don't want my own daughter to be hurt when she grows up and I worry that I might be scaring her by teaching her.

If you're in a supportive relationship now, is it possible you could just give up all those fears and just take a chance? All we have is this moment anyway, so it doesn't do any good to worry about 'what if's....' because they might not happen -then we wasted that time worrying.

[Typo]

I feel like screaming, banging my head against a wall.. I don't know why I do this to myself, I argue with myself, try to find reasons why he couldn't care, or is just playing with me, isn't it pathetic? I have someone that really cares for me, and I"m sitting here trying to disprove it to myself, sitting here waiting to be proven wrong, let down, disappointed, I"m so angry at myself for it, I want to believe, I want to have hope, why can't I?

What is so wrong with me? I want to burst into tears, why can't I be positive, why can't I let myself believe...?

I have spent my whole life wrapping myself up in protective layers, to keep me safe, I want out of them, they aren't working anymore, they are just smothering me, suffecating me, drowning me in the safety, do I have the strength to rip them away, or will I go down in flame of overprotective suffication? I"m driving myself insane, little argumetns with in myself, both sides of the argument gatehring evidence and presenting it, and I can't stand to listen to either side, however I guess if you want to know which side has the best evidence it's the side saying "duh you moron he does care". Isn't this pathetic? don't I sound like some whiney teenage girl? I hate myself so much right now, I hate discussing this, admitting it, makes me feel vulnerable and weak, I"m sorry I"m sorry I"m sorry

I keep thinking of more to add to this, little floaty thoughts, I"m angry at myself right now, angry for posting any of it, I"m not suppose to show weakness, not suppose to speak, not suppose to be afraid, I had a thought, now it's gone, I'm lost, mixed up, spazzing, spazzing out, freaking out, complete shut down of ryhme and reason I"m sorry I"M sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry

Just why... I"m drivnig myself insane, absoultely insane...

why why why do I do this?

i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry

[jexa]

Oh Typo I can just hear your pain. Sick of this endless cycle. You don't sound like you're whining. You sound like you're hurting. There's a difference. You are allowed to express your pain and frustration. That's what this board is for -- for us to share with each other our struggles and to support one another. You are okay.

Trust takes time and patience, especially for those of us who have been victimized. It takes patience with yourself, too, Typo. It's okay to have those doubts and fears. Don't try to push them out of your mind. It's just going to make you spin your wheels and hate the thoughts. They're not going to leave by brute force. It's the way you act that counts. It's the way you treat the ones you love that counts. So you can think, "There are all these reasons he doesn't really love me!!" And you can still act with love toward him despite all these thoughts you are wading through.

How does this lack of trust affect your relationship? Like, does it make you withdraw when you are not feeling trusting? Does it make you get angry? Does it make you constantly ask if he really loves you?

[Typo]

It makes me angry at myself, it has really affected our relationship at points, I have broken communication at various times when I got really insecure and left him hanging wondering what was going on with me, why I did what I did, it's been a year of me learning to trust, and open up, he has been incrediblly patient. It's very hard because it's long distance, and I get scared, I keep asking why does he love me, does he love me? and I will drive myself insane with my insecurites and doubts, and other times I am okay, I am confident in our rleationshp.

I just want so bad to hope, to believe, I do believe, I do trust him, love him, just my fear gets to me, my lurking insecurites,

I've had to learn that even when I feel like this, to not take it out on him, to work through it

It just hurts, hurts a lot, gets tireing makes me tired, like a dog chasing it's tail, but never quite catching it

(((((((((((((jexa)))))))))))))) ty so much for your kind responses, it helps to know I"m not al one

[jexa]

Oh gosh long distance can be really hard. It's hard because you need the connection to stay alive to really trust.. but they are so far away.. ughhh. All these doubts can only be settled in time as your boyfriend continues to show you that he is trustworthy.

The doubts can be there, that's okay, those take time and don't go away from beating them with a stick. Actually they might never go all the way away, but in the future you will be able to dismiss them and they won't stick in your mind or cause you much distress, and that's almost just as good. It's okay to have whatever thoughts if you can still live the life you want. It sounds like you are trying to work through these very difficult feelings without causing him pain in the process, and that is great, Typo! How would you like your relationship to improve? Right now you are distressed about these thoughts.. are you still keeping in touch with your bf and working through this?

What about therapy? How is that going?

[notz]

((((((typo)))))))))

don't forget to breathe. Try taking a deep breath every now and then.

You don't get to where you are in 24 hours. And it will be several 24 hours before anything changes. Maybe every now and then...you can just enjoy the ride?

I'm happy you have some one who seems so caring. You do deserve it. Take a deep breath and enjoy it for just a few moments.

[Typo]

I think what has triggered my panic is we have been dancing around the subject of seeing each other, I've been skiddish and avoided the topic or changed it, the other day we were talking I slipped it in at the end of the convo that next time we talked if he would like to make plans to see each other, he responded with sure and a bit of suprise that I brought the subject up. I text him everyday, our chances to get to talk on the phone are spratic (his job hours change from week to week) and I guess I"m getting nervous because now I"m waiting till we can talk again, to finalize, breathe life into this step, forumalte and figure things out, and while waiting I"m going to proceeed to devlop chicken little syndrome aka wait for the sky to fall down

Therapy is going well, T is amazed at how much process I've made in the past year, I kinda of sit and scratch my head going okay, but she makes me look at my body languge, and how I look her in the eyes now, and sit up straight in my chair, I'm more relaxed not hiding behind my hair or jacket, she commented the other day how I seem to be taking care of myself, that I take more pride in my apperance and seem more confident in my body language....

I've been feeling worn out, so T has been taking it easy on me, she wants me to consider doing a workbook, or taking a small break, she doesn't want ot push me too far,

feeling calmer, sort of mellowing, sorting through it all piece by piece

[jexa]

Okay, I see why you are distressed right now about this. Something had to be going on.. setting up a time to see each other changes things, causes a disruption to the normal flow of things, and these disruptions were dangerous when we were young. Things changing meant chaos, meant everything you expect is lost, and when you are dealing with abuse on a daily basis, it is so important to know what to expect. You don't know how this is going to go, so you fly into panic. Does that resonate with you?

Can you think one step at a time about this? I know it is hard, but is it possible? What is the next step? Just the next phone call, right? You feel like the sky is going to fall down.. and you can gently remind yourself that this feeling is old and doesn't help you in the present.. Keep breathing, Typo.

It is awesome to hear you are doing so well in therapy! That's awesome! The kinds of things you are describing are exactly what I need to work on with my T, so way to go.. I know those things are hard to change. Have you talked with T about how this meeting with the bf is affecting you? I'm sure she will have a lot of wisdom for you in how to deal with these feelings.

[FooZe]

Originally Posted by Typo

Therapy is going well, T is amazed at how much process I've made in the past year, I kinda of sit and scratch my head going okay, but she makes me look at my body languge, and how I look her in the eyes now, and sit up straight in my chair, I'm more relaxed not hiding behind my hair or jacket, she commented the other day how I seem to be taking care of myself, that I take more pride in my apperance and seem more confident in my body language....

I've never met you in person but all of that seems to fit well with how you come across here at PC, too.

[Sannah]

Typo, you will work through this. Of course you had this protective layer to protect yourself and now I can see that it is getting in the way. Please don't be angry with yourself. You are acting like anyone else would who experienced what you experienced. Learning something new like this is challenging but so worth it. Keep up the good work!

Typo, do you slouch when you are angry?

I really appreciate this article: http://www.psychologytoday.com/print/1752

Another repeat: http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/sel...9/METHOD=print

And even these: http://psychcentral.com/lib/2009/15-...e-distortions/

Get out some paper and make a list of all the negatives you believe or have had told to you. Make an objective response to each one. Negative chatter is so destructive. Bannish it to the toxic archives.

http://www.psychologytoday.com/artic...card-self-love

Love yourself, Typo. You are working hard at it. Believe. Believe in yourself. Believe a better life for you is in the offing. Believe it!

[Typo]

I find it diffcult to just let my emotions sit, espically on this subject manner, hard to try and not fight them off,

I keep waiting, waiting, in my mind I keep saying "your just going to be let down, it's never going to happen, you silly naive little girl, your just going to be crushed"

It's like I can't allow myself to believe in anything good, to scared fo being let down, always waiting for a disaster...

On the flip side of that....

I woke up this morning and stared in the mirror and I said "I do believe, I can have a good life, I DESERVE a good life" "I believe good things can and will happen"

today, a bit more of me is believing it, I'm finding it a tiny bit easier to just let all the emotions sit, and say their piece, and go aobut my day regardless, maybe it's the sunshine, maybe it's a full night's sleep, cleaning my room, all this wonderful support from ya'll, I"m not sure, but I feel calmer, I feel a bit more hopeful

I do beleive, I do I do I do...

[FooZe]

Originally Posted by Typo

I find it diffcult to just let my emotions sit, espically on this subject manner, hard to try and not fight them off,

I keep waiting, waiting, in my mind I keep saying "your just going to be let down, it's never going to happen, you silly naive little girl, your just going to be crushed"

When you're expecting to be crushed (or anything else you'd rather didn't happen), you might want to look around and notice that

1. it hasn't actually happened yet, or
2. if it did, you survived it.

It's like I can't allow myself to believe in anything good, to scared fo being let down, always waiting for a disaster...

Whatever might be lurking there (if anything), you're apparently expecting it to be something you won't be able to handle. If you haven't actually met it yet, you'd have to be going by what happened in the past and/or what you imagine might happen -- neither of which, strictly speaking, exists for you in the here-and-now. Your fear, or frustration, or whatever you experience, is real for you but its "object" is real only to the extent that you create it yourself.

Your best refuge is the here and now. By an interesting coincidence, that's also the only place where you have any power or control over what happens to you.

I woke up this morning and stared in the mirror and I said "I do believe, I can have a good life, I DESERVE a good life" "I believe good things can and will happen"

today, a bit more of me is believing it, I'm finding it a tiny bit easier to just let all the emotions sit, and say their piece, and go aobut my day regardless...

I do beleive, I do I do I do...

You don't even need to believe it, since you're experiencing it whether you believe it or not.



~~~~~~~ Just keep swimming ~~~~~~~

[Sannah]

Very good work Typo!!! Yes, feelings don't need to be chased off. You are doing very good work with this!!

How are you doing, Typo?

[ruffy]

Typo I admire the work you are doing to combat your fear. I know that I personally cling to my fear as sort of a security blanket. I honestly dont know who I am without it. Thank you for sharing. I will be thinking about what you and the others have shared, and what I can do to bring healing into my own life.

[Typo]

Ty for asking Byz

I'm kinda of, not doing so well, feeling very very VERY insecure, struggling with the feelings "I'm not good enough, I don't deserve it, not smart enough etc.."

Feeling very unreassured and conflicted, a part of me wants to bolt, a part of me keeps saying "it's over, give up the ghost" why I'm thinking these things I don't know... but I am, I'm driving myself insane, i feel gulity for the thoughts...

I just never feel good enough..... I'm so conflicted and confused, so...frustrated with the situation, with myself, with my fears...

I don't know what my problem is, these past few days I've been so emotional, so overwhelmed with so many diffrent feelings, maybe it's the horomones or maybe it's therapy, or maybe I'm just having a bipolar episode, (I get a lot of them in the spring) I'm not sure, but I feel like I'm a pendulum swinging everywhich way, totally off balance

I keep getting over emotional when i see children or hear talk of children, I get this huge knot in my throat and tear up, I get scared I'll never have a family, or I think of my own lost parts of childhood and get sad, jealous, angry.......

What abuser said to me during abuse "no man will ever want you now, your just a dirty child *****, just a dirty *****, no man want's something dirty" keeps replaying over and over in my mind... why would someone want something dirty like me? I come with so many issues, so much baggage, why take the beat up suitcase, when you can have the nicer looking one?

I have such a fear of abandonment, I know where it comes from, it comes from the feelings I had as a child and struggled with up until the last year, I felt my parents had abandoned me because they didn't know about the abuse, because it happend, what sad pathetic thoughts, they couldn't have known, unless I was to say something, but I still fear people walking away from me, leaving me hanging, without a word, just left in the silence of not knowing....

I'm so stupid, so pathetic, so weak minded, listen to me! Read these words! It proves what a coward I am!! i'm such a coward..... so lost in the misery of my past, it's moments like these i really really hate myself..

[SophiaG]

((((((((((((((((((((typo))))))))))))))))) Dont hate yourself, never hate yourself. You treat others so kindly, so nicely, with care...but when it comes to yourself, you're the opposite. Y ou've come so far. You're not nearly as unstable as you used to be with the switching and whatnot. You should be proud of yourself. I'm proud of you typo.

*hug*

[FooZe]

Originally Posted by Typo

I come with so many issues, so much baggage, why take the beat up suitcase, when you can have the nicer looking one?

Well, ignoring the obvious for a moment (that you're not a suitcase )...

Everyone else "comes with" their* own issues, some of which are going to be a lot like yours, others different. You can see a small sampling of that here at PC (where it seems to me that we're more up-front about our issues than people in most places). If you're more comfortable around some kinds of issues, especially ones that aren't currently issues for you, those are bound to look "better" to you. If you're feeling especially frustrated with the issues you get to deal with the most, those are going to look "worse" -- and you might wonder how anyone else could want to put up with them, especially in you.

It looks to me, though, as if the many people here on PC who like and admire you, are choosing you (issues and all) over a whole bunch of "new-suitcase" people they could be devoting their attention to instead.

Read these words! It proves what a coward I am!! i'm such a coward.....

I'm afraid you're going to have to explain that part to me -- right after I try some new batteries in my coward detector, which is acting a bit unresponsive at the moment.

((((((((((Typo))))))))))

--------------------------
*Note to grammar police:

[Typo]

((((((((Fooze)))))))) ty you made the lightbulb go off in my mind, I can't really explain it or put it into words, but it's like something clicked, or the wheels got turning...

I"m feeling oddly calm, serene possibly...

It's just something in there is clicking, just not sure what yet... maybe just maybe I'm learning and progressing?

Hard, it's hard, all this, these feelings, this overwhelming pariona and fear of people and being hurt, skiddings puppy is what I feel like most of the time...

I sometimes wonder if I'll ever get the courage, the nerve, the ability to speak what happend to me, to say to T this is what happend, at least what i remember....

[Sannah]

Typo, accepting where you are might be helpful. For what you have been through you are exactly where you should be, and where anyone else would be if they experienced the same stuff. When you have these thoughts, stop, look, listen and learn. What are you thinking and feeling? Where is it most likely coming from? Is your reaction appropriate for today or is this just old tapes coming out? What do you need right now? What is appropriate for today? You can work through these things today and replace your old messages with good and functional ones.........

Typo, are you prepared to live for the foreseeable future fearing people and guarding what you remember rather than choosing to live a better life?

[Typo]

That is a very good question Byz, and one that I've been pondering....

I want a better life, been trying to make the right steps toward it, laying my trust in people, and trying to speak to T about the abuse, and other traumas I've been through, it's so very hard though, there is more than just the sexual abuse I endured from the hands of my uncle, there was the car accident, loosing the two biggest stable people in my life barely 6months apart, my turblent home life, the emotional abuse I endured, and there are a few more I would perfer not to mention at the moment..

I've lived my whole life wrapped up in layers of defense, scared of people, of being let down or having my world thrown apart at the blink of an eye, I've had to learn to be ready for anything, and to be able to endure it and be able to know when it's coming so I could protect myself, For a very long time till the past year and a half, I've viewed life as a battle field, and I always have to be ready for the next fight, but life ISN'T a battlefield or a warzone...

I find myself when making plans with someone and waiting for them I find myself waiting to be let down, for them to not show up, or for the plans to be cancelled last minute for no real reason

I want a better life, I want to work towards that, and somedays I feel myself getting closer, I've torn down one of the last walls that stood between me and my best friend of over 15 years, and I find myself interacting more with my family and letting them in my life (I use to keep a full arm's length between me and my family) but when it comes to this relationship I stumble, I get anxious and scared of being abandonded, of being hurt, let down, crushed, just crushed to pieces.... so it makes me hesitate, it makes me freeze and go blank, and i have to remind myself one foot in front of the other,

T says I have a habit of "setting fires" starting arguments, or spats to draw attention away from more serious and needed discussions with errr well don't know what to call him so I'll just say dude, he can't see the serious issues if I blind his view with fire and smoke, I've noticed when I start doing it now and make myself stop and regain a level head

T also says I remind her of something she has ran into with her work with foster kids, that I purposley do things to push people away when I feel they are getting to close or they show signs of stability and security in my life,She says I have a problem with testing people's bonds to me and pushing them to their breaking point to see if they really do care or if they don't (I have even done it with T)

my life has never been very stable, I love my family dearly, and I love my parents, but growing up espically in my early teens home wasn't stable, we were always one step away from being homeless or not having food. Life was big and scarey not just in my physical enviroment, but emotional enviroment, things have smoothed out and stabilzed quite a bit in my physical enviroment, but with my family and the emotional side, things are and will always be unstable, and sometimes they still have volitale outburst at each other.

I've never had a lot of stabilty, besides my best friend previously mentioned and her family, now that dude is in my life and shows signs of stablity (as odd as our realtionship can be and even at a long distance apart) I get scared it's going to be taken away from me, or that it's just a trick, during the first 6-8 months of our relationship I was always disapearing from contact, or telling him I couldn't handle our relationship for this or that reason and running away. I find myself getting the urge to back out of the relationship from time to time, just bow out and run off, but I know that isn't what I really want and it's the fear of being close to someone that is feeding it. It's the fact that being in love makes one vulnerable...