[purple_fins]

I put a trigger icon just in case........

Could it be common for those surviving abuse-- especially from childhood(that's when we learn most lessons about relationships and how to respect ourselves)- that one finds themself not being aware of current abuse until someone else points it out? then it's like-- huh?!! then the mind says-- "let me think on this for a minute" and then.... the lightbulb comes on and one sees that ---Yes, this is abuse......

I'm still struggling knowing where the boundaries/respect should be..... (I stick up for myself and then HE gets upset at ME)
wondering if I'm going to have to always rely on someone else to see the reality(as I don't believe myself when I'm feeling dissed) of how relationships should be.....

all I ever wanted was respect, kindness and caring-- I've been mindful my whole life to give that to others I care about......
wonder why it's NOT reciprocal I always thought it would be......

maybe I give off an aura that says-- "I'm too uneducated/ignorant to defend myself, so have at it".

*Please note---- this is NOT a pity party. This is a true question that I'm genuinely pondering......... *sigh*..... life can be so hard......

fins

hi, fins,

yes, i think that it's fairly common. and, i've been in that situation too. please take responsibility only for your own thoughts and actions, not other people's.

[WePow]

fins - oh yes!!!!!!! I did that after I left my ex-H and was so thankful to be living with a person who actually had started abuse on me when I was 11 !!! I just thought since that other person was "nice" to me - well I thought that it did not count as abuse. Uggg!!! Big big hugs to you!!!

[geez]

Originally Posted by purple_fins

I'm still struggling knowing where the boundaries/respect should be.....

wondering if I'm going to have to always rely on someone else to see the reality(as I don't believe myself when I'm feeling dissed) of how relationships should be.....

all I ever wanted was respect, kindness and caring-- I've been mindful my whole life to give that to others I care about......
wonder why it's NOT reciprocal I always thought it would be......
fins

Fins I can relate. I have always been dumped on by my family and it took my husband to point that out to me (back when we were dating he noticed). I however have always delt with my family by 'forgetting' and trying harder next time so my family wouldn't dump on me. Of course no matter what I do they are never happy and always dump on me. I'm getting a back bone and I'm trying to start trusting myself and honor my feelings.

Sometimes the craziness of my family is overwhelming and the illogical behavior makes me question my own sanity on the situation and maybe I'm seeing things wrong? - but of course I'm not.

Because of this uncertainty implanted in my brain I question everyone else and their intentions outside my family circle including my husband. - as a result of this I don't have many friends. All of my relationships are at an 'arms length'.

Sorry for the rambling...

[purple_fins]

uck..... feeling uck.......

Thanks unhappyguy--I'm sorry you have experienced similar. I find it EXTREMELY difficult to only take responsibility for just my thoughts and actions(I really do need to accomplish this).... feel guilty, shame and like I'm wrong when others that I care about aren't happy.(alcoholics, drug addicts, mental illnesses) I want others to not suffer at their own hands...... think it goes way back from my early childhood.
and if I turn my back and ONLY take care of myself-- is that not callous? does that mean I don't care about them? don't love them?

WePow thanks. It sure is confusing, isn't it! I'm sorry you were in such a situation. Sometimes it's like it messes with your head-- as like you said-- how can someone be kind and abusive?

*******warning-- caution, this may trigger--- child abuse--*****

THe mother was like that with the babies......she would slap them and shake them, withhold food and keep them in cribs all day until just before 4:00pm(in anticipation of their parents coming) then kiss them, hand them a toy and talk to them when the parents came to pick them up.
I wanted so bad to save them all.
and yet--- many in the community regarded my mother as gifted with children was confusing for the young mind of mine. Was what I witnessed NOT abuse???? ugh..... makes me feel nauseous.

geez- thanks also. I'm sorry your family dumps on you. It sounds like your husband is insightful, I hope he helps you cope with things. Wow-- to trusting your self and honoring your feelings! that is huge and is what I"m trying real hard to do(not very well, but I'm trying).

thank you all for your support and replies-- it really means a lot to me.

most of the time I feel so alone...........

fins

[Typo]

I struggle with this too fins!

Not so much with outside interations (with friends, partner) but I struggle with my interactions with my family

My close friends and partner are always pointing out that my parents are very manipulative of me, and emotionally abusive at times, it's hard for me to see that, they ask if I would ever let a co-worker treat me the way my family does and I answer no, and it makes the lightbulb click...

Your not alone fins, feel free to pm anytime

[purple_fins]

also geez--

Sometimes the craziness of my family is overwhelming and the illogical behavior makes me question my own sanity on the situation and maybe I'm seeing things wrong?

YES, I can relate to this as well. I question things so much.

don't have many friends. All of my relationships are at an 'arms length'.

that's how I am too.
I'm sorry you experience same
except I do have good reason to doubt husband (the ONE person I thought really cared about me)-- as the last few years he has taken up drinking and all that comes with that.....
can be so hard to cope with.....

thanks again for sharing and no need to ever apologize when expressing yourself on my threads!

fins

[purple_fins]

thank you Typo.
what great friends and partner you must have.

It's amazing, isn't it?-- how when "inside" one can't see what's really going on-- it sometimes takes an outside view to bring things to light..... it's weird how that is.......

and thank you for the PM offer-- you're very kind...... I might take you up on that some time.

thank you again
fins

[Sannah]

fins, we only know what we have learned. (Until we take control over what we learn!) I had to walk the same road and I can say that we are capable of learning so much!

[purple_fins]

Thanks Sannah

I am really trying to take control over learning-- it's just a lot harder than I ever thought it would be. I get so confused.......

Last night there was a show on Discovery or National Geographic or some such channel-- it was about Ferral Children.
It was mostly about if they could ever learn language if not exposed to it when very young..... but they also talked about how they relate to other people.

What a coincidence that show would be on at such a moment in my life when I am so tired of struggling my whole life with relations......

anyway-- they had this boy on that was living mostly with a pack of wild dogs from 2-4 years old. (When I was little, I would climb the security fence of a nearby business and sit for hours at night with the guard dogs-- I felt safe) The wild dogs would come into this boy's apartment(his mom was an addict of some sort) and he would share his food with them and they would bring food to him-- he was thought to be the "alpha" dog. Anyway-- he's now almost 7 and is learning language but is at a 3 year level.... the psychologist said that it's most likely he will always be vulnerable to people abusing him, as he missed out on being given the basic needs of a small child-- food, safety and nurturing.

though, my situation wasn't as severe as this boy's, I was neglected(was very tiny and thin), was in many unsafe situations and was told by older siblings that the mother wanted very little to do with me, especially my first 4 years.(she was tired and had enough kids and besides, her mother was ill and dying and she had her hands full with that)

I do fear that I'm not able to learn what comes naturally to most others. God, I can feel so frustrated......
I try hard but...... it's like there's a "gap" in my brain....(been telling therapists this for years-- it seems I can actually notice it there)
I'm trying to learn to close that gap..... just not sure if it's working.......

fins

[Sannah]

I think that we can learn anything, absolutely anything and that we are not damaged for life. I can't believe the things that I have learned, repaired and healed. I had to work at it and never give up.

Development can happen at any time...........

[purple_fins]

thanks Sannah

I appreciate you sharing your hope.

I needed to hear that, especially right now.

going to see therapist today.....
haven't been for a couple weeks.....
when I've been away for a duration,(I dont' get that "missing"- "longing" feeling) I feel a strong pull to STAY away......

though learning stuff can be good-- it's also difficult(like trying and trying to understand a math problem that you just can't seem to get. argh!) and also getting beyond the pain that can hold one back is doubly difficult.

better go......

fins

[Sannah]

Yes, difficult can be part of the mix. Difficult has never stopped me before.............. If you get the right person to explain that math problem you can understand it. The same with mental health issues. You just need to find people to help you and don't give up.