[tryingtobeme]

Sexual...TRIGGER WARNING....

Last thrusday (a week ago) I was taken advantage of sexually by my husband. He wanted sex and pushed and pushed. I tried to keep moving away and he still kept after me. I have a hard time speaking up in that situation, I freeze, can't move, and dissocciate. Some say it's rape...Is it really though? I feel so confused, I don't want to hurt him anymore than what he already says he feels for doing that to me... yet...what about my feelings, don't they matter to anyone...I've seen T 3 times since then, and I've talked to him , I can't even count how many times I have called him.

I feel this deep deep hurt inside. There is so much there yet I can't get it all out and on the table at least to deal with it all. Why is it so difficult to just tell someone, whoever and let it all out. Part of me wants to scream it out to the world to get to him. Part of me is to scared to come forward and really talk about it.

What is so wrong with me that he would do this to my. What have I done so wrong in my life that this would happen...

[lynn P.]

(((tryingtobeme))) - if you don't mind, can you explain who did this to you -because I couldn't understand it in your post. Is it your T? You haven't done anything to deserve this. I don't mind listening.

[tryingtobeme]

Originally Posted by lynn P.

(((tryingtobeme))) - if you don't mind, can you explain who did this to you -because I couldn't understand it in your post. Is it your T? You haven't done anything to deserve this. I don't mind listening.

Sorry Lynn. it's my husand. I edited my post to show this. I forgot to put it in there.

[lynn P.]

Thanks for the clarification. Since I don't know the details and I understand if you're not comfortable - I can't say for sure what happened. A woman can be raped by her husband. If the woman clearly says NO but her husband forcefully pushes himself on her - then this would be rape/abuse. Are you and your husband not getting along? I'm sorry you're struggling. Have you spoken to your therapist about this?

[Rapunzel]

Trying,

Yes, your feelings do matter! You are allowed to say no, even to your husband. Being married doesn't mean that you have to give him whatever he wants when he wants it. You didn't sign up to be a sex slave. You signed up to be a wife, an equal partner. That means being a whole person, who can make choices. Being taken advantage of takes away from your ability to be whole.

I do understand your confusion. I also freeze up and dissociate and couldn't say no, and wasn't sure that it was ok for me to refuse. One night I gave in, because my husband would have kept grabbing at me and pressuring me, and I thought I could just dissociate and go away and let him use my body. But I felt violated, and emotionally, something broke. The next morning I was plunged into severe depression and confusion. I couldn't even get up and get dressed. I kept trying, but got confused and kept finding myself back under the covers, until 3 or 4 in the afternoon. I couldn't shake off that depressive episode for about a month, couldn't function quite well enough at work, etc.

I had been trying to accommodate my husband before that happened, or at least compromise. I guess that was what it took for me to learn that I can't do that. If I don't have boundaries and stick to them, I will lose it all.

What you do moving forward from this will probably be confusing and complicated too. You will need support from your therapist as you work through it. You are allowed to have boundaries and make choices. Your body belongs to you, even if you are married.

One thing that I couldn't even see until my T pointed it out is that it is appropriate for husband to feel bad that he hurt me. Mine complains about me making him feel bad, too. It's not my fault that he feels bad after he violates my boundaries. He is the one who hurt me, even if he doesn't like it if I tell him that he hurt me. Even if hurting me was not what he was trying to do. It isn't our job to protect them from feeling bad about what they did.

[sharon123]

sex against your will.....is rape. It doesn't matter who it is or what your relationship is. I hope you will tell your husband how that made you feel. If he is abusive, he will be insensitive and dismiss your thoughts and feelings. How sad.

Hugs, Sharon

[sharon123]

P.S. You have done nothing wrong. Our behavior is a CHOICE. He chose to rape you, and I am sorry. There is a RAINN website; you might want to check that out. He betrayed you.

[Alexandria04]

I definitely believe a husband can rape his wife, even my husband believe this. If you say no, or even don't consent to it, then it can be rape. I know it's hard to speak up, I am a very passive people-pleasing person myself, but can you talk to him and tell him how you feel and that you only want to have sex when both of you are consenting? I know it has to be really hard to talk to him about this, but your well-being could possibly depend on it. Talk to him if you can *hugs*

[passiflora]

Hi Tryingtobeme ... I have never posted here, but I have been reading this site for about a year. I wanted to reply to your message because something similar happened to me with my now ex-boyfriend three years ago (literally, three years ago this week). He wanted to have sex with me, but i didn't. I was depressed, living outside of the country (he was visiting), and I had very little support in general. He pushed and he pushed and he pushed, until i "gave in" because I didn't know what else to do...I just wanted him to stop pushing, to stop pressuring me, to stop saying mean things to me, and I wanted to stop crying, because crying was my only response. I just froze and let him do whatever he wanted. I didn't know what else to do, I didn't realize I had a choice. I was so accustomed to men (including my own family members) being emotionally and verbally aggressive with me, I didn't even know how to respond to what was a very emotionally abusive relationship (even using the word "abuse" is difficult for me). The next day I felt as if a piece of me was gone and as if my body didn't even belong to me. The following year was one of the worse of my life, as this incident brought to the fore reactions to other sexually and emotionally abusive situations I have been in both as a child and as an adult. I cried for what seemed like months...and I was crying not only about this incident, but responding to all of those moments where I have felt physically, sexually, and emotionally trapped through the course of my life.

I've talked a bit about this in therapy, but it has been very difficult to open up about all of this. Sometimes I feel as if my experiences aren't legitimate because what happened to me legally was not "rape" -- as if somehow I don't have a right to feel upset because I didn't stop something, because I didn't make an active choice to say "no," because i froze (let me state that I know this most like would not legally be termed rape in MY case - I am only speaking for myself). I know, however, that the most important thing is to trust my reactions, to trust that what happened was wrong, to trust that I deserve to have boundaries even in the context of an intimate relationship because nobody has the right to hurt me in this way. I apologize if this is a bit long, but I think it's important for me to communicate that your feelings/reactions about this are so important -- trust them and trust yourself. In my case, I felt that a boundary had been crossed and it wasn't something that could be uncrossed or undone. I am sending you many hugs. Please take care of yourself.

So sorry this happened, tryingtobeme.

[tryingtobeme]

Thank you everyone for replying. This has been a very difficult time for me and I really appreciate all the kind words. Maybe some day I won't feel so violated and used. For now, I feel that is all I am good for is to be used in any way anyone wants me to be used.

[Bill3]

tryingtobeme, I'm very sorry to hear what happened.

How have things been with your husband since the event?

[tryingtobeme]

I know this is going to sound silly, but I was wondering something...has anyone been in this situation or does anyone think it is possible to come out of this situation and still love your spouse? I mean, I don't want to let my guard down infront of my H. well I can't really let it down with anyone for that matter. But do you really think this is something that we can get past and continue on our marriage? I'm really confused on what to do. Leave, stay, try and work it out, stay together so my son at least has two parents who love him and would do anything for him. I just don't know what to do.

[Bill3]

I would think that it will take some time to start to heal and to sort things out after that shattering violation. I am so sorry. Has it been helpful to speak with your T?

If you feel that you might need someone additional or different to talk to, or perhaps someone more experienced in working with women who have been sexually assaulted, you could contact the Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network (RAINN) (as sharon123 suggested). They can be reached online, http://apps.rainn.org/ohl-bridge/, or by phone, 1-800-656-HOPE (4673).

[tryingtobeme]

Yes somewhat about talking to my T. My husband is not a mean, abusive person. At least up until this point, I never thought he could ever be intentionally mean, or abusive to anyone. He knows what he did and he knows it's wrong. He is even seeking his own counseling for it.

I know it will take time, I'm just wondering if I should even try to make things right or ever care that he is taking the step I think he needs to take. I'm so confused right now.

Thank you for the info on RAINN. I've used their site many times and it is an excellant place to get help from.

[Bill3]

I'm just wondering if I should even try to make things right

I wonder about the form of the question, since it would seem to be up to him to try to make things right. It is good that he is in counseling.

Do you want him to try to make things right? Does it even feel possible? Maybe it's just too soon to know--though that makes uncertainty that might be hard to accept.

or ever care that he is taking the step I think he needs to take.

What step do you think he needs to take?

[tryingtobeme]

Originally Posted by Bill3

I wonder about the form of the question, since it would seem to be up to him to try to make things right. It is good that he is in counseling.

Do you want him to try to make things right? Does it even feel possible? Maybe it's just too soon to know--though that makes uncertainty that might be hard to accept.

What step do you think he needs to take?

I'm trying to keep our relationship together. Don't know if it's really worth it. I don't know it I do want him to make things right. Possible, if he tries and works on himself, mabye.

[tryingtobeme]

This morning my husband has accused me of making him feel bad in bed. Soemthing he has had sex with me in the past and apparently he didn't want it. What??????? He is the one that is always dragging me into bed. How can I possibly be taking advantage of him. Most of the time, I will please him just so he won't touch me for a few weeks. Now he wants to say that I am taking advantage of him. Screw him. He is in the wrong. Now I wonder if he did it on purpose. F... him, I have every right to be angry at him and tell him to f... off. This is turning into a living he.. for me. No wonder it is taking me forever to make headway in my therapy. Will I ever be right???? Now I am really doubting myself.

[jen29]

((((trying))))
I just want you to know that I am here for you. This wasn't the same exact thing, but had a bf that did the same thing. But I said yes at first and then said no and he didn't stop. So i totally still believe it is my fault. But T and I are working on that and am learning that maybe it wasn't as much my fault.
Anyways, so not about me...just know that I am here for you and please let me know if anything i can do at all. I am here to listen.
Love and hugs,
jen

[Bill3]

tryingtobeme, I am very sorry to learn of this turn of events. It must be infuriating to find that shortly after your husband rapes you, and knows what he did, he has the nerve to accuse you of taking advantage of him.

Now I wonder if he did it on purpose.

Whereas before you weren't sure that he did it on purpose? What was your thinking before?

Now I am really doubting myself.

How so?

[tryingtobeme]

Originally Posted by Bill3

tryingtobeme, I am very sorry to learn of this turn of events. It must be infuriating to find that shortly after your husband rapes you, and knows what he did, he has the nerve to accuse you of taking advantage of him.

Whereas before you weren't sure that he did it on purpose? What was your thinking before?

How so?

Thank tou bill. Please don't waste your time on this tread. No one else is. You care but don't have too. I get it and understand that no one really does but you. Be good to yourself.

[Bill3]

The feeling that no one here cares just adds another layer of hurt to your pain.

I'm sorry. If you want, we ourselves can continue the thread.

[mennayriu]

Trying,

I can completely empathize with you. My ex is a psychological/emotional abusive person. He pushed and pushed at me, within 3 weeks of having our baby, until I finally just let him have sex with me. I had to go back to the OB to have them remove the stitches that were pushed back through the skin into my vaginal canal and had given me an infection. It affected a lot of things--my health, my work, my stress level--but I felt like because I gave in, I consented to it. About four months later, I finally took the child and left and it's been a stressful battle ever since. There were many, many times he did this, but that one was the one that affected me most because it affected so many aspects of my life. It *is* considered rape, it feels like *one* of the worst violations because it is someone to whom you are close and of whom you trusted enough to be in a sexual relationship with. And, it's one of the most confusing events in a person's mind because of that.