[WePow]

I wanted to share this with those here on PC who also had abuse. The reason I want to share it is not just about me - but because so many people here say exactly what I have felt and thought so many times. It is a thought that can drive a person crazy who has been through trauma as a child..
"Did this REALLY happen TO ME?"

When I first started back into therapy for this stage of my healing, I found myself mentally chasing my tail over this. I knew some of the facts about my dad being a pedophile and I knew I had been abused by other children when I was very young. But I had no memory of my dad ever having abused me. In fact, he had made a prideful statement a few years ago saying "But I NEVER touched my OWN daughter!" (( As if the world owed him a merit badge or something. )) A part of me took what my "daddy" said as a fact. It was what I wanted to believe. I was not close to my mom growing up. I was my daddy's little girl. He was my entire world. He would "never" do "that" to me!

As the memories and flashbacks surfaced in the trauma work, I started to be forced into the tail-chasing cycle. My body told me that my father had lied about not touching me, but my mind could not accept the body truth. My T helped guide me into learning how to trust what my personal truth was throughout the process. But it was not easy to do this. How could I believe myself over my father? How could I trust that what I felt and thought as a wounded child could be more than "just stories" - after all, I did tell teachers and my mom about some of the abuse as it was going on, but they told me I was "creative" and they said I was making up stories. It was a "polite" way of them calling me a liar. So there I was - a liar - who was once again lying to myself about these things my dad did to me.

It has taken months and intense close work with my T to process for myself my own truth. One of the most difficult parts of this was that I was forced into logically making a choice between choosing the truth of a convicted pedophile father or the truth of an innocent inner child who had been abused. It also helped tremendously to one day ask my T eye to eye if HE believed what I was sharing. He did. And that gave me permission to believe myself as well. So, that is what I decided to do.

But last night something happened. Now that I look back on this, I am glad I did not think to do it before now. I am very glad I allowed myself to first believe in my own truth. I think that was a miracle actually how the timing of that worked out. But I had only one friend when I was 10-12 yrs old. None of the other girls would come over to my house and I did not know why. I thought I was just a bad friend or that no one liked me. It hurt a lot back then to live in that way. But I was very close to my friend in those days and I knew I told her everything. But at the age of 12, she changed schools and we did not talk much at all after that. I had never understood really why we fell out - I just thought she found someone else to replace me. Little did I know that it had been my own parents who forced us apart. Now I know why.

I had been friends on a social networking site with my old friend for about a year now, but never talked with her. She reached out to me, but I could not reply. I was just stopped inside and could not do it. Now I think it was because I knew that she knew something but I was not ready to face the truth. Well, I finally asked her two days ago to tell me what she knew about me and any abuse that may have occurred. Yesterday she told me the "facts" - My father had molested me. I had tried to tell my mother but she would not believe me. My father had also used me to lure other girls into his web. - And I also asked the one question I could not see in a flashback - the hidden part that was filling me with dread because I felt the truth but could not see it - and I did not want to accept even the possibility of it ever happening - but she said that "Yes" my father had raped me.

Right now I am sharing this with you all but I am honestly still in a world of shock. And my body is shaking and my heart is pounding. I contacted my wonderful T last night and he was there for me as he always is. And I know I am SAFE in this NOW. But fellow survivors, this hurts like heck on a stick. And I know I will have to allow myself to process the emotions. But I can do it and will do it.

But I wanted to share with you all because of all the stuff I just said. You KNOW your inner truth. Even if you do not know the facts yet. Even if others in the family say it is not truth. Be gentle with your inner selves and listen to what that inner child is telling you. Maybe after you have learned to trust yourself with what your truth is, maybe the universe will allow you to see the hard core facts through something like what happened to me last night. But even if not, it does not change anything really. The truth will remain the truth regardless.

BIG HUGS to you all!!!!

[Sannah]

((((((((((WePow))))))))))))))

I am glad, and yet heartbroken for you. I had a similar experience where a friend validated my story and it was a relief and it was also so so so incredibly painful at the same time.

Take care of you.

(((((WePow))))))

(((((WePow)))))

You are awesome! Be safe.

[WePow]

Thank you all so much for your support. You are all so wonderful

[Julial]

((((WePow)))) You are absolutely right, the truth cannot and will not change. It took me a lot years to learn the truth but I knew that deep down what it was all along. May the healing begin.

[geez]

Thank you WeePow for sharing. It takes a lot to face the truth. You truly inspire those who read your posts.

[BlackCanary]

How brave of you to ask!
How strong of her to keep your truth safe for you all these years!

a true friend

[WePow]

Thank you all again. I asked one more question of my friend... and this question I can not post due to legal stuff. All I can say is today I am just going to face one hour at a time until I see my T. .... I am not sure why I asked for this confirmation now. But I had to ask. And the answers do not shock me but the reality does - if that makes any sense.

(((((Wepow)))))---there are no words.....you are so very strong...hugs-theo

[WePow]

theo - i do not feel strong right now - i feel so frightened and so afraid inside - not sure why as it was the past but I am terrified - i am beyond terrified

[Sannah]

Maybe these feelings are just from the past WePow. I'm glad that you are going to T..........

[Julial]

(((((WePow))))) You are going where you need to. Keep the faith.

[Love_Psychology14]

I understand how you feel.. When I was 9 I swear I was molested by my dad' friend but i cant help but doubt myself..Then when I talk about it I cry..

[WePow]

(((((((((((((( A L L !!! )))))))))))))))))

I made it through my session today and came out in one piece!
It was a struggle because my alter who has the anger kept going into counting to 100 and he would do that when I was young but I didn't know why. He said it was to give him enough time so he would not hurt my dad. But we did it !!!

[Gabi925]

I don't know if you use at avatar a photo of yours or just a child photo - but this picture simply calm me. I am not a fun type and I do not have picture's fixation.
Are you a person who is helping a lot o people or is that child's purity?

I changed even my avatar thinking that maybe it's something connected children now. (I love children and their purity, innocence that has to be guarded to exist like one of most beautiful things around, like flowers in the spring)

[WePow]

Gabi - that is a photo of me when I was little. My T suggested that I use it for my support forum (here on PC) and said he does that on his support forum. He said it helps him to remember that everything he is doing for his healing is focused on helping heal the inner child who is innocent. I was being molested at this young of an age - so I connect to little me a lot in this pic and know the secrets she had no way of telling. So now I help her share those secrets and realize that she is not a bad girl at all. :-)

[Sannah]

Yah!!!! Good work WePow!!