Hi all. Thanks for the encouraginging pm's. Thats why I don't turn off the pm. I have learned for every downer pm there is usually double and triple that for the good. Sometimes when I am down or had a bad day I look in my pm's and see that I am worth fighting for my sanity and safety for. Today for example. Not feeling too good because I had a meeting with my lawyer and found out what the DHS caseworker should have been telling me about my son - he's not just saying he will run away from the placements (right now residential treatment) he is actively running. not only that he is acting out suicide attempts. I know my son will come home some day but I don't want it to be in a box.. anyway I just got back from seeing my therapist and stopped here at the library and saw my pm's You both made my day litterally. Maybe as I get to know people my standards of pm's will change with people like you both around.

Over the years of therapy and groups on line and real world and public life style I am asked does anything scare you off? and I say well lets think about that. I WAS an abuse victim and now I AM a survivor. I went up against a 6 ft plus guy who weighed well over 450 pounds. and going into a prison and confront an almost 6 foot 180 pound guy who said his 2 year old daughter wanted it because she kept taking of her clothes is supposed to scare me - Hell yes I was scared but the reality is his offense was going to only keep him in prison 3-5 years. by this time I knew I didn't survive the terrors of my childhood to hide under the bed. NOTHING now scares me to the point where I back down from doing what is right as a past caseworker found out. Past becasue she tried harrassment and I reported her. She tried lying about me and I confronted her during court hearings where she would have to tell the truth. She breached the federal law HIPPA in my case and I again went to bat against her and requested an investigation. She was taken off my case, placed on administrative leave while her complete caseload was investigated and the end result she was fired and can not work for tthis states DHS agency's in the whole state. Was I scared you bet I was. but I also know for her to have gone the lenghts she did on my case she most likely did it to others.

For me sometimes fear actually works in my favor for it makes me want to fight basically keeps me working full spead ahead instead of my getting stuck in a loop.

I was once the kind of person who would burst into tears the minute anyone looked at me. That was knocked out of me you might say literally for with each beating, each move to a new town, a new shelter new therapists gave way for more stability. Until one day it was clear someone was going to die and given the physical differences the one to die was most likely going to be me. So that faithful day I realized this I decided ok fine you're going to kill me well so be it, but people are going to know in the town I was living in that upon my death who to look for. It is amazing how an abuser of this size can suddenly look like an ant about to be squished, and he was --in a local newspaper. a reporter came in to my group to do a report on the group and those who were guest speaking around the three counties. The day my paragraph, picture and signature appeared I recieved threats like you wouldnt believe. I wanted to die but my son chose that moment to kick inside me reminding me if I died I was not alone. I picked up the phone and went to a friends house on a military base ... and continued with my speaking engagements.. I was more angry than scared at that point. for how dare they keep forcing me to move to new towns every year or so. how dare they threaten my child. he wasn't born yet so threatening me threatens him. What happened.. Well cliff hanger time This computer is about to automatically log me out for it is on a timer. Can't wait until I have my own computer.

[dragonskin]

wow. i'm glad you're a survivor- this is the sort of thing that helps other people . hearing someone getting out of a bad situation is always good. for some people it will even give them something to aim for and for others it'll be for looking and watching and saying Wow I could never do that.

thanks. I once said who me tell my mother? NO WAY. Who me tell the government NO way then I went out and did it. So now I consider never is a possibiliy. It takes time but it can happen for you, it happened for me it can happen for anyone. take care.

[CJR520]

Good for you !!! You are a brave and strong woman. I hope things work out o.k. with your son. I will be thinking about him. Take care !

my son was not affected by my public life. in fact when he was about 22 months old I relocated away from abusinve members of my family so that he was out of the firing line of threats and so on. I also did not notify people where I was going so that added more safety for him. He had no contact with those making threats to me.

A few years ago my depression kicked in and the end result was he was placed in foster care for a year while the two of us got therapy both individual and family, and i took some classes - depression management, parenting and anger management. My son was placed in a special needs therapeutic school so they could work on what they at that time said was ADHD and of course PTSD from seeing me hit the suicidal edge. He came home but very violent with what I was told Reactive Attachment Disorder and after months of him attacking me distroying things in the house and on the grounds of the appartment complex where I live and then escallating to throwing the family cat he was put back in foster care to go through sresidential treatment program. He is now on his second residential treatment program for when DHS tried to transition him from a therapeutic fostercare and individual therapy combination program he regressed back to more violent behavior. He probably wont live at home again until he is 18. The case has been coded do not return to parent and given this last set back I am not going to pursue overturning the case coding until he can hold it together in a normal foster care setting for no judge on earth is going to let him come home to a single parent with two terminal health deseases and a mental disorder if he can't make it through the steps from residential to semi residential to a group home to normal foster care.