Supposed to spend Father's Day tomorrow with my kids and their mother.

I can't be excited. It's Father's Day. I want to forget it exists. I almost did. I got so caught up in other stuff that I nearly forgot it was a date on the calendar.

I can't forget, though, because tomorrow I'm supposed to celebrate being a father when all I can think of is my own. I'm a ****** father. I don't deserve to celebrate myself. It plays over and over.

So I switch on the football matches, crave what I shouldn't and try to forget about everything.

It doesn't work though. I can't do tomorrow. I don't think I can. It just makes me feel ill. Its ridiculous- it's just a date on a calender, and it's just time with my own family.

It shakes me up. I want to forget like I had before.

Thank you for listening.

I know it's a tape playing in your head and it's hard to get rid of but based off of what you've posted here on PC I don't think you are a ****** father. You actually sound like a really good father. Yes, you have your own stuff you need to work through and that means you can't be the father you want to be but... the only thing you can do right now is work towards healing yourself. You love your children and want the best for them and as far as I know do not abuse them in any way so you qualify as a not-****** dad in my book.

As for the holiday, maybe in your head you should re-name the holiday so that it doesn't have an association with your own father. Something that would associate it with just you and your kids. Unfortunately "Father's day" is everywhere so you can't really avoid it.

[WePow]

Can you change the meaning of the day for yourself? Rather than use it as a day to focus on you, use it as a day to focus on your children. Focus on what they mean to you and allow yourself to use the day as a celebration of life and of children.

[Sannah]

[Rhiannonsmoon]

Kaika & WePo your posts are excellent, I really can't add to them. I really hope Sunday goes well,

Rhi

[Typo]

((((((((((((((Fenrir)))))))))))))))))))

Wepow and Kaika have an excellent idea.

How are you doing hun? Let us know how everything went, we are all here supporting you.

[lynn P.]

I know this is late but I agree with WePow. I'm sorry you having bad memories with your own father, but you can't let him, control your Fathers Day now. If I remember correctly your children are young and I'll be honest and say 'Fathers Day is more for your children at this age, than for you really'.

This past mothers day - this was my 2 young girls chance to show me I'm special and to spend time with them. As many here know my husband and myself sleep in separate bedrooms - long story lol. But I wouldn't let my feelings for him, interfere with my girls paying tribute to their Dad. They love their dad and he does alot for them - so I participated in making it a very nice Fathers day, so my girls could have these memories. Basically Fathers and Mothers Day are really for the kids -a day when they can show love and appreciation in their simple ways. It doesn't have anything to do with my problems with my husband or your problems with your dad. I'm sure your kids love you just the way you are - spending time with them, is what they really want. Live 'in the moment' - not in the past with your father. Your kids want you and living in the moment means, leaving your baggage behind when it's their time.

Thanks everyone.

We all had brunch together, went to the park, it was alright. Difficult for me but alright. They drew me some pictures, reminded me of my nephew who drew me a father's day picture once, but I held myself together for them.

They had fun. We watched some football together. It felt shaky but it was a day about them, I guess you're right. They were happy, that makes me happy. It feels weird to be appreciated, drawn stuff. I'm still not used to be called a dad. It's messed up. They're over two years old and I still haven't learned to be a father. It helped ease everything by seeing them happy. Really did.

Went home and ****ed up in the evening, went out with people and drank. Feelling ill and a bit hungover and I know I really really shouldn't be drinking. ****ed that up. At least I got through most of it, and didn't ruin father's day for my kids.