What is safety?

anderson · Jul 16, 2010, 02:16 PM

What is safety in the real world to me? Lately we have been asked that so many times what is safety to us. We know that we do not truly feel safe. There are times that we feel safer but safe from future abuse no. WE just know that in some situations that we are safer from it.
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At church we were asked how can we feel safe when at least 3 of the men there we clamed hurt us. These men hurt us when no one was around and then told other that we had been with them or made passes towards them to cover up how they had tried to intimidated us. The women just used lies to the others to make them want to not like us. We even had one woman ask why we did not just kill our selves and save the rest from all the ware and tare of trying to get rid of us. Heck it was a close group of friends within the church that made it almost impossible to make friends with the other women and men in the beginning.
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It was the light houses that made it possible. They are the reason that we feel safe there. These men and women made the others leave us alone when they saw that we were scared. They took the time to let us learn to be safe even when those within made the body go into a baby curl. The pastor we told him that he reminded us a lot like our foster father. He would just sit in the room and tell us stories until those with in learned that he would not hurt us like the men in our bio-family. He even made us a tree house in the back yard that we could run to if we did not feel safe in the house. The church has a tree house or fort if you will. And that is were we are sleeping at night. He asked us why we would want to sleep there. To That we asked if your children where scared and afraid what would you do? He said anything that would make them feel safe again. These people have allowed us to feel safe and stay in a place that allows those within to find safety again. The sad part is that it is conditional. We have to be in the tree house and the good people have to be there to feel totally secure.
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The person that was trying to get us to make friends with those that had hurt us in the past it was her husband that stood behind us letting us know that he would not let them hurt us again in front of him. We have all of these examples of how these few people cared enough to help us feel safe from the dark souls that had made a name of for them selves by either hurting us or just telling lies to others so that they would do the job for them.
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Now is this complete safety no but right now it is the strongest sense of safety that we got. We asked for people to come to church to let us get to know them in a safe spot. But these people also have to prove to us that they are willing to get to know us and not the stories that the dark souls of the community have told to keep the light souls away from us.
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At the Aquiplex, we do have a sense of safety as long as we stay in the main common rooms and just use the cabañas. We have been hurt so many times by those that where just there to see if they could make the rumors true. We can not honestly tell you how many times someone had to talk us out of a panic attack. But the pain is mostly of how many times we went to these people and begged for them to believe in us and talk to us to hear our side of the story. Yes some talked but in the end we are still left alone with those that push our buttons with no known support until it is over with. We are still going into the showers washing how dirty the dark soul people make us feel. Even T told us to tell these people to leave us alone but what is the use if each time we tell someone to leave us alone that it is used against us later for having a psychotic moment and that if we continue then we will be asked to leave the place. Now considering that we really have such few places to go to and it is more logical to grin and bear it. Especially if it keeps us from the fear of greater abuse.
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We had a person come up to us it was not him that made us feel dirty it was the fact that the person that we asked to come near us to give us safety to tell the person to leave us alone just smiled and walked away from us. This is the story of The Aquaplexe we have the know ledge that we are safer here then most places but in the end if someone truly wanted to hurt us they could.
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As to going to work, we are still dealing with memoirs of co-workers hazing us and even copping a feel for good measures but we have no safety there just the promise that if we do our job that we will be turned into the main source of entertainment. We can not work under these conditions we would love to find a job that we can go to and not be hurt but in truth we have 10 years of abuse doing things that we wished that we had not done but even now with the few that are giving us a chance at friendship we do not feel safe even trying it. What is the purpose if so many people like to hurt us just to prove that we do not remember the abuse and tell others that we did things willingly.
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So when have we felt the safest?
We felt the safest with out foster family after they gave us the skills to work together internally. Then when we found that special someone that allowed us to be accepted. For the past three years we asked for someone to come forward to accept us and to keep other people away from us that would hurt us . What we got was either being thrown at all these dark souls or left in isolation because we could no longer endure the abuse just to have someone to talk to face to face.
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In all of these years after the death of my choosing companion we have yet to find that special person that would not hurt us just for the sake of it. But most of all everything that we had to endure just to keep our son from the very people that made us who we are is so overwhelming. Those dark souls must have really been enjoying themselves watching other people pick up where they left off. To know that with out a sense of safety that they had condemned us to a life of poverty with out hope of a future or a real life with out pain.

lynn P. · Jul 16, 2010, 02:47 PM

(((anderson)))

-thank you for sharing your story and your pain. If this abuse is still happening at your work, you need to tell someone to help you. I pray you'll feel safe, like a warm blanket fresh from the dryer.

anderson · Jul 16, 2010, 02:54 PM

We will take all the warm blankets we can get. We just reaplied for ss benifits because we are not able to work and not have panic attacks. But we got asked so many time we felt the need to post this place has been the place for us to digest our past.

Quote:

Originally Posted by lynn P.

(((anderson)))

-thank you for sharing your story and your pain. If this abuse is still happening at your work, you need to tell someone to help you. I pray you'll feel safe, like a warm blanket fresh from the dryer.

Sannah · Jul 17, 2010, 02:39 AM

I hope you are continuing to work with your T on your safety and what you can do to continue to be safe. Please continue to keep us posted.

anderson · Jul 17, 2010, 04:28 PM

We are still with T this time it is working out we just have to get over the hurdles of past abuse by other T's. Those within are taking turns coming forward dealing with the abuse that they remember and learning that this T has a heart not just an ego that needs to be feed by hurting others.

We have let so much go out of fear that we checking ways of finding more safety to take care of them and still not make our selves availabe to those that have hurt us out of spite.

We did have a good work day at the church and we were able to put some of the womens issues that we were after their husbands to rest. Just by pointing out the facts. That was our main problem being accepted at first is those lies told by others to cover the fact that they hurt us.
Some Good Facts:

We even going to start doing emdr and Eft treatment to handle the present day abuse.

That we attend a church where there are people that are willing to get to know us and not the rumors.

That we have a T that understands us and that at least accept the fact that we felt abused by past T from the TGC.

Now we just need an income where others can not hurt us.
we told one person that it took TGC and a small group within the community to make us the way we are. We do not expect that it will change over night. There are still people that will lose alot if the truth was believed in.

PS> we got PC world to help keep us together as we learn to trust those around us again.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sannah

I hope you are continuing to work with your T on your safety and what you can do to continue to be safe. Please continue to keep us posted.

Sannah · Jul 18, 2010, 07:38 AM

Anderson, it sounds like you are doing Good Work!! Please continue to keep us posted on how you are doing.

Rhiannonsmoon · Jul 25, 2010, 04:49 AM

(((( (((( (((( ((((Anderson)))) )))) )))) ))))

I stand in front of you with my broad sword and if anyone steps into your dreams to hurt you I will cut them down before they get anywhere near you, any of you...

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