[invisigirl]

It seems that in the absence of concrete memories, my imagination has deemed it necessary to create all kinds of sick and twisted scenarios to torment me with. Mostly at night. I'm tired of having to comfort myself by reminding myself that these things didn't happen just so I can try to sleep.

It's getting OLD.

[violetsareblue]

Well I'm glad you're solid in what's real and what's not. That can be tough.
I hope you feel better soon ♥

[invisigirl]

I suppose that's part of the problem... It keeps getting harder and harder to tell. These things pop into my head and they seem SO real sometimes. But I can't imagine how I would forget those sorts of things and can think of all sorts of reasons why they can't be real. Does that make sense?

There are things that I KNOW happened.. that I do remember. But there are gaps and also an ever present sense that something really horrible is hiding somewhere in the depths of my mind and I feel like I'm just waiting for it to jump out and attack me. But perhaps that's just the PTSD talking.

[violetsareblue]

Originally Posted by invisigirl

I suppose that's part of the problem... It keeps getting harder and harder to tell. These things pop into my head and they seem SO real sometimes. But I can't imagine how I would forget those sorts of things and can think of all sorts of reasons why they can't be real. Does that make sense?

There are things that I KNOW happened.. that I do remember. But there are gaps and also an ever present sense that something really horrible is hiding somewhere in the depths of my mind and I feel like I'm just waiting for it to jump out and attack me. But perhaps that's just the PTSD talking.

It makes 1000% sense!
I'm going through the same thing. Reading or watching things, then feelings and flashbacks come and I'm torn between thinking it could've happened or if it's just empathy or from internalizing that stuff.
I've come a decent way in the past 1-2 months on dealing with the denial, but it's still a daily battle.
I especially empathize with your last paragraph.
Just know you're not alone, okay?

[invisigirl]

Originally Posted by violetsareblue

It makes 1000% sense!
I'm going through the same thing. Reading or watching things, then feelings and flashbacks come and I'm torn between thinking it could've happened or if it's just empathy or from internalizing that stuff.
I've come a decent way in the past 1-2 months on dealing with the denial, but it's still a daily battle.
I especially empathize with your last paragraph.
Just know you're not alone, okay?

exactly! thanks. it's good to not be alone.

[violetsareblue]

my advice, someone who's going through it too, is to try and trust yourself and others inside [if you're DID]. I'm certainly not a shining example of this, but it's a process..

[invisigirl]

trusting is NOT something I'm good at. as far as DID... I have every symptom aside from actual alters. so that seems odd. but I have lots of voices rattling around in my head, kind of like other versions of me that I'm always trying to shut up.

[Nupoet64]

Invis, I hope you get some relief soon. I know it feels like a large boil, the pressure keeps building and you can feel the horror just under the surface...but the pressure that is building is madening. It makes you question your own sanity adn anything that comes to mind, it makes you feel like you cannot even trust yourself.
I hope something signifacant surfaces soon, to relieve the pressure. I pray it comes in a way that you are able to deal with it, instead of it dealing with you. If that makes any sense, lol.
Many safe hugs and all the support I can offer...
Violet, safe hugs to you too....

[Sannah]

Invisi, are you in therapy?

[invisigirl]

That does make sense.. I hope so too. Thanks, Nupoet.

No, Sannah, I'm not in T. Considering it though... still not sure. I just get this feeling that if I start T this whole *thing* will become all consuming and I just don't have room in my life for this right now. I've been going through phases and it seems like with each one it gets more intense, more consuming, and more confusing. I want it to stop.

[Sannah]

The only way to get it all to stop is through therapy, but yes, therapy can make it more intense. The only way out is through.

[invisigirl]

that's what I hear. I just don't understand how something so small and insignificant has grown so huge and immobilizing. STUPID.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by invisigirl

I just don't understand how something so small and insignificant has grown so huge and immobilizing. STUPID.

When we grow up in dysfunctional families and we don't get our needs met, we don't learn how to express our emotions, bad things happen to us, we feel that we have no worth, etc., these are NOT small things. Our childhood development is everything. It determines if we can function as an adult. It determines if we can find happiness.