[WikidPissah]

Spent a few hours caring for my 80 yr old mother today... So stressed, so triggered. I usually bring my daughter with me as a buffer, but she couldn't come today. Took mom to lunch...it was sooo awkward. I have nothing to say to her. She started talking about someone we know who got arrested for beating his son. She said "well, as bad as your father was I would have never let him lay a hand on you kids"... SIGH I hate the fantasy world she lives in. I know she needs it to cope, but sheesh. How can she not remember the broken arms, the black eyes, the bloody sheets? How can she not remember going over the lies with me again and again before school? "You fell down the stairs last night" "You fell into a window and the glass cut your arms" "you fell out of your treehouse".... crap, my teachers considered me the clumsiest kid in school. And it wasn't just me...it was my 6 siblings as well. Millions of beatings and other abuse. I know at 80 yrs old it would be cruel to snap her back into the harsh reality of our world, but for once...just once...I wish she would look me dead in the eyes and say "I'm sorry, your life sucked, I wish I did better by you" SIGH

[granite1]

wow how awfull that these things were donr to you.i hope some day you will find the strenth to share your truths with your therapist. i have learned never to talk to the mother about my growing up at all

[WikidPissah]

oh bloody hell, it f'ing hurts. I am not gonna make it thru tonight.

[granite1]

can you call your T.matbe it would be a good idea

[suzzie]

((((Eileen2010))))

[invisigirl]

(((((Eileen2010)))))

[Nupoet64]

((((((Eileen))))))...

[Kacey2]

Eileen,
I am so sorry for what you are going through. I can relate very much to you and how your mother has amnesia for your childhood. I sometimes think if they could just validate our hurts and acknowledge the truth it would take away half of the pain.

[WikidPissah]

thanx for all the hugs and good wishes. I did make it thru the night. I have a hubby, and kids I need to be here for. My life here with this family is so opposite of that life. I need to suck it up and be grateful for what I have now, instead of complaining about what I had then.

[WikidPissah]

arg....sorry to keep writing, I should leave this thread alone and let it fade into the blackness. I woke up hurting. I couldn't take it, so I took several xanax and climbed back under the covers. No workout, no clean house. Feeling so guilty now...it's almost 2 and still in pj's. I don't do this. But I just took several more xanax and am going to climb back under the covers. I need to disappear today. I don't want to be present, I don't want to live today. This is the only way I know to get thru it. I am such a loser. A bad parent. A bad wife. My house is less than clean, I am a failure.

[granite1]

Originally Posted by Eileen2010

arg....sorry to keep writing, I should leave this thread alone and let it fade into the blackness. I woke up hurting. I couldn't take it, so I took several xanax and climbed back under the covers. No workout, no clean house. Feeling so guilty now...it's almost 2 and still in pj's. I don't do this. But I just took several more xanax and am going to climb back under the covers. I need to disappear today. I don't want to be present, I don't want to live today. This is the only way I know to get thru it. I am such a loser. A bad parent. A bad wife. My house is less than clean, I am a failure.

eileen it ok to take a day for yourself of you need to im a bit concerned about the amt of xanax you are taking.i hope you will keep yourself safe.but i think a slipper day is well in need here.when do you have T next?

[Sannah]

Eileen! I am so sorry that you are feeling this way! You know, you don't need your mother's acknowledgement to heal. You can join our club of "those with parents who will NEVER get it". I did try that path also and soon discovered that my mother would NEVER get it so I decided to move on anyway. Both of your parents are very sick but you can move on.

You sound like you have made such a wonderful life for yourself and your family! Wow, what good work! Your house does not have to be perfectly clean for you to be a good mom. Keeping your house perfectly clean is much to much work!

I really hope that you continue to write on this thread for as long as you need.

You can be grateful for what you have now at the same time that you reflect on what is bothering you today. It isn't complaining at all. It is venting and trying to heal.

[WikidPissah]

better today. H and kids home this weekend, that helps me a lot. More than anything else. Granite...don't worry, I seldom take xanax...and I know my limits...I just needed a blackout day.

[granite1]

Originally Posted by Eileen2010

better today. H and kids home this weekend, that helps me a lot. More than anything else. Granite...don't worry, I seldom take xanax...and I know my limits...I just needed a blackout day.

glad you are feeling better today.and i totally get the wanting a blackout day.i really do.sorry if i said anything to make you feel worse i really didnt mean to at all.

[WikidPissah]

Originally Posted by granite1

sorry if i said anything to make you feel worse i really didnt mean to at all.

(((granite))) no way, you made me feel better, not worse! Thanks girlfriend!