[lenjan]

OK. In therapy we have been working on my being able to talk about my abuse.

Yesterday morning, I had this dream that I was with my two oldest sisters (12 and 13 years older than me) in a furniture store. I have no clue what is significant about a furniture store. :-) At any rate, as has been the case most of my life, I was trailing them by a fair bit and they didn't seem to notice they were leaving me behind. (You know, the little kid always gets avoided when she wants to go play with the big kids and they just think she's a pest and try to send her away.)

(Sorry -- big pet peeve of mine!)

Anyway, so I'm running around this furniture store looking for them, and finally give up. This is where it gets weird.

The dream up to that point had been in color, but it shifted to black and white suddenly, when I was leaving the furniture store on my own. Some ambiguous dream person, as my T calls them -- shadowy figures, don't look like anyone you know, etc -- was sitting by the store exit and giving me trouble about something or another.

I looked at ambiguous-dream-person, yelled to him/her/it at the top of my lungs, "I WAS SEXUALLY ABUSED BY MY MOTHER!," and went off in a huff out the store.

YOWZA.

This T is the first one -- well, not only the first T, the first PERSON, ever, that I have told anything about this. It's taken 2 years for me to be able to slowly be able to discuss it, and I still have panic attacks when I have to talk about it. My sibs don't know, my friends don't know, my pdoc knows only generalities. Only my T knows it all.

WHY I cannot bring myself to say what I said in this dream out loud in my real life I have no clue. It sure wasn't very hard in the dream, LOL. I don't know if that was supposed to be "practice" for saying it out loud, or it's just been on my mind lately without my realizing it, or what, but that was pretty damn creepy. I woke up drenched in sweat and feeling like I hadn't slept in a year, even though I'd been in bed, unconscious, 9 hours or so.

I dunno, you guys. I need thoughts and hugs and ideas.

Candy

[h0kie]

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candybear said:
I have no clue what is significant about a furniture store. :-)

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Ok, I went to the place I go to look up the significance of things in my dreams and here is what is says about furniture. So apply it however you think best to a furniture store.

Furniture

To see furniture in your dream, represents how you feel about yourself and your family. It refers to your relationships with others and how they fit into your life.

To dream that you are moving furniture, indicates that you are going out of your way to please others. Also, you may be changing your ways and trying to reevaluate your relationships/attitudes.

To see old or worn furniture in your dream, symbolizes outdated attitudes, former relationships, and/or old ways of thinking.

Other than that, I don't have any ideas. ((((((((((candybear)))))))))) Hope that helps though. Good luck!

[obsids]

I spend a lot of time interpreting my own dreams and the symbolism.

My first impression:

The furniture and the store represent the constant in your life, the basics, the fundamental elements, whether it be family or extended family or basically the solid elements of your childhood.

In your dream, you lag behind your sisters and they don't notice. Often the older siblings are either not interested or out of touch with what is really happening in the little sibling's life.

In my dreams, black and white represent good and bad, light and dark, opposites. Something that does not have nuance or flexibility... the truth rather than opinion.

You shout at this nonspecific dream figure as you leave the store that your mother sexually abused you.

What I see is that you are struggling to exit the 'store' of your past, trying to escape. As you exit, the reality is real, undeniable. The nonspecific person who is trying to keep you from escaping is trying to keep you from acknowledging the truth. And so you shout the truth at them as you stand in the realm of black and white... either it happened or it didn't... no way to just kind of haze over the truth. And so you shout and you make your escape.

It is a sign that you are processing all of this, trying to heal from it. Does this all make sense?

*big hugs*

Dreams can be scary, but they are also a good insight into what your brain knows.

[lenjan]

thanks-- that helps. I immediately emailed my T, of course. I'm sure we'll be devoting a chunk of time to it this week!

[kimmydawn]

((((((((((((((((((((candybear))))))))))))))))))))))

i'm sorry it's been so hard. i know how hard it can be.

be safe,

kd

((((((Candybear)))))))
Sounds like some kind of a break through to me. Could the shadowy person be yourself?
Good luck with this. ::fingers crossed::