[SUNNY2009]

Got a lot of anxiousness...few things going on here. I feel good other than these things that are nagging at me. One in particular is my lack of memories from my childhood. Even good memories that I should have retained seem to have left my mind. Ive known for a long time that they are lost.
This past week a close friend of mine from childhood visited from out of state. We are close because of our childhood, though we do not talk often. There is simply an understanding of love, no matter how long it has been. We are close in a way that few adult friends can claim.
Anyway, I was able to visit with her on 3 separate days, and it was wonderful. Though we didnt have any alone time to talk and catch up, I felt a closeness with her that I have not felt in years. She is such a loving person.
We as children had dealt with child abuse from our parents. Her mom was mean and cold toward her and was painfully abusive. Hurtful in almost every way. She has a sister, who I also visited with. But she never dealt with her moms wrath like my friend did.
My friend knows of how my mom was abusive. Her mom and mine werre close friends at one point. Though my mom had a soft spot for my friend, and was nice to everyone. The times when my mom would be abusive were mostly at home but since we were close, my friend witnessed my moms controlling ways...including the physical. Her mom was a little more mean I think. It has affected her throughout her life but she has perservered and is successful.
Memories....she has so many memories. We talked of a few moments, and I had no recollection whatsoever of them. We looked at pictures from her grandma and I was in some but I do not have any memory of these moments. Halloween ... Chirstmas parade. We talked of a job we shared in high school and she remembered clear as day ... but I could not. I dont even remember the job! not even a little bit!
We talked and I mentioned a memory that my brother shared of her and I. We had been caught smoking and our mothers held our hands close to the stove burner which was turned on. This was to punish us for our choice. Neither of us remember it but my brother does and he is so admanant that it happened.
I looked at the pics and see me smiling and laughing. I have wanted to remember so much and havent been able to....but through the pictures I am reminded that I had moments of happiness and moments of childhood and it just blows my mind.
I cant seem to grab on to the folder of memories I am so wanting to see in my head. I want to feel how she felt as a child good or bad.
Just feel a little like I am missing part of my life, there are years of life I seem to have no memory or very little of. Really wish I could learn to get them back.
I want to ask my friend what I was like growing up....but I am a little afraid of what she will think or what she will say. I will have to talk to her about some sensiitive things to ensure she understands why I am asking. Although I had told her about the sexual abuse from my father, it has been a long time since we have spoken about these things. I think she will understand but then there has been so much time.
Her sister dismisses the abuse which my friend suffered at their moms hand. She claims it wasnt so bad. Through her eyes it wasnt. but that is because it was not her who was on the receiving end, not as much.
I think I just want to feel complete and because I dont remember a lot, I cant seem to just walk away from these issues. Everytime I think I am moving on I keep coming back to my childhood and wanting to remember more.Thats all I guess.

[Sannah]

Have you discussed this with your therapist?

[SUNNY2009]

hi ... no I havent spoke to him about this. I just needed to write it down and express how I was feeling. I guess I am suprised whenever I see pics of my childhood that I do not remember or have no related feelings towards....nothing to relate to....in my head. This has happened before .... but with younger pics, I just figured I was too young to remember. But when I see the pics with my friend and mom and others I was at a 7-8-9 yrs old so I should remember more .... i will talk with T about it. Thanks. I wonder if there is a way to get memories back

[geez]

[quote=SUNNY2009;1590229]Got a lot of anxiousness...few things going on here. I feel good other than these things that are nagging at me. One in particular is my lack of memories from my childhood. Even good memories that I should have retained seem to have left my mind.[quote]

I started a thread on the same subject. I too have no memories. I met a friend who I haven't seen in a while and she told me about how she would always visit my house and do sleep overs etc.... But I have no memory of it. Something to add to my list. Just sending you supportive thoughts because I know about the lack of memories.

Wishing you peace of mind and comforting thoughts.