[anderson]

We just finished another book that has touched us in so many ways. It helped us understand why we do the things we do when all we really want to do at times is just rest and stop caring for things that we have no control over. The book is called “Why Courage Matters. The way to a Braver Life.” By John McCain with Mark Salters.
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In this book McCain talks about the event that still effect our lives after 9-11. It seems he was approached to write a book to help people to overcome their fear of flying and tall buildings. The fact that stood out to us in reality it helped to give reasons to overcome our personal history as well as see the courage and hope that we had in our own action. Many of us that have to overcome an abusive childhood and even abuse that we endure as adults tend to at times not be able to stop playing the tapes of our abusers that we can not be more then what they want us to be.
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But that is wrong. We do have the ability to overcome the fear and pain that binds us. Courage is to take action in spite of the fear that is what true Courage is about. For almost 20 years Those within me endured with out sharing doing their best to protect the others out of love. The younger alters those with a child like mind and hope were the ones that could handle the programming and the abuse of those people in our life that for what ever their personal gain. Used us for their own personal gain.
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The fact that my son is my only living child also gave them much leverage against us. For we endured so that at least one of my/our children would survive. Now if the abuse would have stopped then my children alters would probably would have gone to sleep and not came out so often. But that was not the case the real danger from those that had hurt us so badly In the past where no longer in our life but the memoir was still loud and clear to us. In my bio, we made the statement that each of my alters were warriors and fought valiantly until they could endure no more. Then another came forward to protect the whole to keep the body alive. That is true courage the ability to endure to keep another safe even when everyone lives within the same body.
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I was asked this past week what does death mean to us. For many it means dark or negative events. To those within me death means hope, a new beginning, no longer being tied to a body that has been programmed from birth to endure abuse. Death would cut the ties that bind us to our abusers. We would no longer wake up with burses on our body or with other injuries That we have become accustom to. Knowing that each time we had courage to ask for help being told that we were having psychotic episode and that we need to be on meds. How can meds keep us from being hurt when all they do is buffer your reality. They do not keep the abusers away from you they just make you an easier target.
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During the week before we moved into the apartment we were living in a tent before this we felt safe and comfortable. But that was not going to last someone came into our tent and hurt us dislocating out hips. The memoir of the event was held by one alter and that alter did her best to keep the body whole. It was not until later that we saw the person and we had a full blown panic attack. We still do not have the whole story but in the end we did what we always do stood our ground and refuse to allow this person to intimidate. He was after only a member of a long list of people that gained self worth from the pain of others and we refused to give him more then what he had already taken.
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At the same time though we went and asked for shelter so that people like him would have a harder time getting to us. The apartment was a god send. This was the first place that we had every thing we needed in one building. This place had become our sanctuary. That was when those that had hurt us and place the blame on us started to attend church as a means to let us know that they could if pushed it get a hold of us. That was the reason why we choice to take a break from church. Many of those that tend that church came up with their own reasons why we stopped from we switched and forgot to only they know what else.
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The real truth was within the walls of our apartment those within found safety. We no longer had to defend our selves or endure the verbal spiritual abuse of others that choice to take pleasure from our pain. That fact alone was the major reason. When it came time for our review for social security those within were terrified that we would be hurt again. But the people that helped us get this apartment were there for us and even though they could not be in the room with us the knowledge that they were near helped us not to over react to the pain that was cause by the doctors touch. The doctor even talked us through the pain. Many of you may understand once this alter realized that she was safe it turned into a movie for us. We were aware of what was happening but not able to pull her in to keep her safe. When the doctor turned it into a game we started to cry inside because of the relief that this child alter was feeling. This was the alter that at night would beg for death and event would not let us gain freedom. She would keep us up crying and screaming.
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But when the doctor had triggered her forward and was kind to her. She helped teach her that she was safe. This child alter finely even had the courage to come forward and ask for help to get the requirements meet so that she would no longer be afraid of loosing the apartment that has become to mean safety to all of us in so many way. For the first time in a long time we are going out and asking for help in areas that before we were to afraid to ask because we were afraid of being hurt again by those that had us program to do their bidding.
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Courage is like Love it needs Hope to flourish. But to us to have courage you need hope and love for another to have the courage to act to keep another safe. The courage of my younger alters will always amaze me. My hope now is that I have the courage to live in a manner that will always help them to heal and grow.

[Sannah]

You are amazing Anderson! Thanks for sharing.............