Facing my past

A few years ago, my step sister accused my father of molesting her. No one believed her and that includes me. At that point in time, I only remembered the violence, nothing sexual.

Early this year, in my T sessions, I was able to open up to my T about things in my past that I hadnt ever told anyone and it was incredibly painful to do so. Reliving those things makes me feel so small and afraid again and it really hurts. The other night I was thinking about somethings from my past, things that my sister (real sister not step sister) had said and I remembered something from when I was about 4 years old. My father made my sister and I sit in front of the fire place naked while he posed us and took pictures of us. I called my sister and asked her if she remembered it and yes said yes. We talked more about that and certain other things that I am not really ready to talk about here at this time. I have been in knots over this.

Tonight, I called my step sister because I wanted to know the truth. I wanted to hear her tell me what happened to her and I wanted to know what my father did to her. I was reluctant but something in me had to know. So I called. I caught her off guard with my questions and she was very quiet at first. Then she told me specifics and she started to cry. She kept telling me that she loves Dad and she has forgiven him.

I asked her if he admitted abusing her and she said no. I asked her how she could forgive someone who will not admit that they did something wrong. She said because I dont have a choice. She said that she had to go and that she would talk to me later.

I am feeling so many different things right now. I couldnt even begin to tell you what those feelings are. I feel like an idiot for not believing herwhen she came forward. I mean, no one beleived her, everyone shunned her and made her feel so incredibly alone and I was part of that and I can not fathom making someone feel like that.

Why is it now that I can remember only bits and peices of the sexual abuse and not then? Why do I still feel sorry for that bastard? Why am I dredging up the past? Why did I start this?

I have so many questions and very few answers. I have talked to my husband and he wants me to have no further contact with my father. That would be the normal thing to do. But somehow, even after knowing what he did to me, my step sister and my older real sister, I can not simply say, I HATE HIM.

I do hate him. but I love him. I have struggled with this for so long. The love/hate feelings as they are so strong with in me. It is so conflicted that it makes me dizzy. I am tired of hearing that it is the Victim Syndrome because I want to be done with him but I cant. I just cant.

(((((( jmo ))))) I am so sorry ...I think it is very common for people who are not ready to think the other one who was abused isnt telling the truth or is wrong like they are mistaken.....It is like protection.....for the self....When someone is helped say with theapy and on their way to well they can start to remember because it isnt AS overwhlming to their mind
Also I think it is very normal..heck I know it is to have mixed feeling on dad..I mean he did bad things but he isnt ALL bad and is dad thats such a conflict to the mind that no wonder you feel so bad and confused on what you feel and the anxiety must be sky high...
Hon, this is my almost 3 a.m reply so its not all as good as I would like it to be but ...I think the answer to a lot of your questions is......because you have been getting well......and are able to face some more issues ...though I bet it dont FEEL like it

It seems so frustrating to have such conflicting feelings run through our minds. I can understand that.
I am wishing you peace today.
((jmo))

(((((((((((((((((jen))))))))))))))))))

that's the thing about when a family member molests...the confusion and confliting feelings/thoughts...especially when it's a parent. whatever you do, don't beat yourself up over them. you right a right to both. you truly do.

i can say that i truly hate the older brother. however, we don't talk and he's a horrible person even as an adult...my mother and father, i love and hate/love.

i want to say that i'm so very sorry that this happened to you. children should not be hurt! your feelings are your...right or wrong. that's what will be dealt with in t.

as to it coming out now, i would say your mind felt it was safe enough to let the walls come down that were holding them for you...protecting you. it's time because your mind knows you're safe now and have been for quite some time. but mostly, your mind knows you can handle it.

we're all here for you. we'll hear what you have to say.

again, jen, i'm so sorry.

kd

(((((((((((JMO)))))))))))))))))

I'm so sorry that there were people who you couldn't trust in your life. Your father shouldnt have hurt you or others who trusted him. That IS painful. That is confusing. and i understand.... Stay safe.

I woke up this morning with overwhelming feelings of regret. Why have I chose to open this door right now?

I thank you for all of your replied here. Being able to feel safe here in this forum means so much to me.

(((((((((((((((((Sleeps))))))))))))))))))))

(((((((((((((((((((((((SJ))))))))))))))))))))

((((((((((((((((((Kimmy))))))))))))))))))))


((((((((((((((((((((EV))))))))))))))))))))))))

{{{{{Jen}}}}}}

I'm so sorry that it happened to you.

(((((((((((((((((GEM)))))))))))))))

Thank you.

Jen, Keep letting it out. I am learning it is the only way for surviving.
We hear you. We are here for you.

Suz

(((((((((((((( Jen ))))))))))))))))))

Plus (((((((((((( Hugs ))))))))))))) from Donkey

((((((((((((((((Suz)))))))))))))

Thank you. Your supports means alot to me. I know you are facing similar issues in your own life and I know that it is not easy. Thinking of you

((((((((((((((((((((((Silver))))))))))))))))))

Thank you so much. Hugs are wonderful

And I just love Donkey hugs

They are very comforting

Thanks for making me smile

Why have I chose to open this door right now?

Sweetie,

Now is not the time to be hard on yourself. You deserve kindness and caring. Would you give me a hard time about it if it was me?

Look at your mind like it's a balloon.

You fill it up and up and it stretches and stretches until it just can't hold anymore.

You either have to relieve some of the pressure or it will pop. This "air" has to come out...as hard as it is.

Thinking of you.

Petunia

((((((((((((((((((Petunia)))))))))))))))))))

Wise words from a beautiful flower

Thank you.

OMG... my T just gave me almost the same analogy about the balloon the other day.
Do you think that may be a sign for us, Jen???

(((((((((((Jen)))))))))))))))
I understand.

Jmo, you are working at the pace you need. It is difficult for me to not have things be black and white, good or bad too. Peace.

Sus!! I think it is a sign

((((((((((((((((((((Jax)))))))))))))))))))

I know you do understand Huggles for you


(((((((((((((((((((WW))))))))))))))))))))

Thank you.



I called my step sister back tonight to check on her. She is still reeling from all of this. I dont want to push her or myself any further right now. It is very overwhelming.

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jmo531 said:
I feel like an idiot for not believing herwhen she came forward. I mean, no one beleived her, everyone shunned her and made her feel so incredibly alone and I was part of that and I can not fathom making someone feel like that.

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sexual abuse is so shameful, everyone tries to deny it

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jmo531 said:Why is it now that I can remember only bits and peices of the sexual abuse and not then?

Why am I dredging up the past? Why did I start this?

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survival instincts . . . you weren't ready to remember before . . . as you become stronger, you'll remember more (if there is more to remember)

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jmo531 said:Why do I still feel sorry for that bastard?

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that is his role he plays, that his feelings and needs outweigh everyone elses needs . . . you were trained to be in your role of rescuing him, sacrificing yourself, loving him unconditionally

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jmo531 said:I do hate him. but I love him. I have struggled with this for so long. The love/hate feelings as they are so strong with in me. It is so conflicted that it makes me dizzy. I am tired of hearing that it is the Victim Syndrome because I want to be done with him but I cant. I just cant.

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((((((((((((huggs)))))))))))))))

i've struggled with this for a long time, too. last October, my father triggered me so much that i finally realized i could never "justify" his abusive past behaviors again. what helped me completely severe all ties with my father is the fact he would not admit to others that he sexually abused me. he would talk about being a born-again Christian and how he didn't need therapy nor bring up the past again. former alcoholics, drug addicts, and ex-convicts all disclose to their close friends about their past. however, sexual predators do not disclose, and i believe they never can have self-healing nor trust from anyone until they quit hidding their secrets. why have a relationship with someone like this? why need to forgive a sexual predator that insists he/she is normal and doesn't need help and has a right to be around kids? (sorry i'm rambling)

i hope you are done with him. he doesn't deserve any of your precious time or concern.

My family didn't believe me either. Some of them put me through hell in the process. But I don't hate them for it. What I do admire is those in the recent years that have told me - I BELIEVE YOU NOW. You see I know that when I did tell and how I told shook the earth for them. I know that they had to figure their own way through the mess just like I was doing. The fact that your sister talked to you says she doesn't hold anything against you because you didn't believe her then. All that matters is that you believe her now and told her that.

Everyone remembers things at their own pace when they are ready to not when others need or want them to. You remembered now because somewhere inside you know that it is safe to remember now.

When I say I forgive what happened it's not specifically for my abusers. I had to forgive for my sanity - by this I mean I forgive myself for being arroused, and having an org... I forgive myself for letting him do it because I had no choice he was the adult and I was the child. I forgive myself for not telling when I didn't tell because it wasn't safe for me to tell.. The list goes on. Maybe this is what your sister meant when she said she had to forgive for herself..

No its not the victim syndrome. it is human nature to believe no matter what everyone has some good in them to love including abusers, on top of that from the day we are born we are told we should love our parents. Its just natural to hate peoples actions but love them as a person. I struggle with love vs hate for my abusers all the time. I gave up trying to make sense out of it. I just accept that one minute I hate my abusers and the next I love them and neither one of those feelings is wrong because what a person feels is just their feelings and there is no right or wrong way to feel.

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myself said:
I just accept that one minute I hate my abusers and the next I love them and neither one of those feelings is wrong because what a person feels is just their feelings and there is no right or wrong way to feel.

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:: (T_______T) I'd kill him for you! I hate him. (T___T) I hate all of them.

The good we do always outwieghs the bad, no matter what. And it's not like you weren't going through things at that time, because you were too! It must have been a confusing time, for everyone. And you can't blame yourself, because you weren't the one doing those horrible things to children.

How can I make you feel better? (T____T) :: I heart you, feel better and if I can help you, tell me. I'll do my best

thank you

((((((((((((((((Jennie)))))))))))))))))

((((((((((((((((Myself))))))))))))))))))

(((((((((((((((((((((((((Mortimer)))))))))))))))))

Your post has given me a different perspective as far as why I find myself feeling sorry for my abuser. One thing that you say inparticular that, we are taught to love our parents no matter what. This is something I heard over and over again as a child. No to mention the continual quoting of the 10 comandments...the one that says honor thy mother and thy father.
He would say that so very often. It almost makes me cringe now thinking of it.

This has been really difficult for me. Sometimes it feels like this isnt even my family that I am talking about. Almost like I am talking about someone in the third person, type thing. Everytime I think about it...it just makes my heart hurt.

Thank you again for all of your replies and your support.

Love and huggles to all


Jen

:: (T____T)

(((((((((((((((((((((((Jen))))))))))))))))))))))))