[jazzy123456]

kind of a poem/vent

You know, I miss you. I haven't yet said what part of you I actually miss so you probably shouldn't get your hopes up. Its so hard to let you go, when I know all it would take is a text or phone call to have you back in my life. However, I have to pick the less of two evils, either I can be in pain without you or in pain with you. This deck of cards went bad a long time ago and the game of cat chases dog can't go on much longer.
In fact, for weeks its been over. A situation like this almost makes me believe that no girl or guy can have a best friend of the opposite sex.
Eventually, one will fall for the other and sometimes, well, they both fall for each other. What I thought you had for me was some type of twisted puppy love. The most I wanted to lend you was a hug but, you took much more from me. Like you told me once, you felt like you owned me, remember? I was some type of property to you.

A property that could never go on sale.
If I wasn't with you when you wanted me to be, I'd hear a scream or yell...
a..."Jazzy come here now..." kind of conversation. I don't think I miss you, I think I miss who you used to be, the moments we could laugh for hours and I actually felt safe curled up near you. I'm almost in tears because I miss the moments where I wasn't a *****, slut, or *****....
...that girl you kept pressuring to have sex.

I miss the moments where I wasn't
shoved against walls, I was shoved against thoughtful memories.
I miss moments where I wasn't
faced with hostility, I was gripped by exchanges of intellect.
I miss the moments where I wasn't cursed at,
I was praised for being strong.
What I wanted wasn't important though,
that's why it didn't matter if I wanted to make out with you
or not, You wouldn't let me say No forever. I should have known it was going to happen...
eventually. It was easier for you to kiss me when we're alone. Our friends aren't watching. I didn't really have much of a choice but, to perform. The only reason I kept going is because you gave me the kind of look that would make piles of gold feel like trash. By this time, there was no need
to force me with your arms, I was broken and you didn't even know it.
Funny part is, when it was over I quietly babbled, almost in a whisper.
but, you started criticizing me! Go figure? I walked away feeling like I did something wrong. You wanted more from me. And even tonight, I feel inadequate and messy. It didn't matter how I felt on the inside,
I had to look a certain way for you on the outside. Till this day, I still don't know why you we're so hung up on my looks... gain weight, lose weight, wear a lower cut shirt, do your hair different...Why did it matter? Weren't we suppose to be friends? For goodness sake, you would wear the same sweater every day.You almost made me believe I was in the wrong for that one. I now know that these are the moments when good apples go sour.
Our friendship spoiled into some type of
sick dream that I have finally woke up from.
...but, if I miss you this much it can't be all that bad,
I'll always be thankful that I met the softer sides of you,
we crossed roads together, learned about growing up with one another,
talking to you brought a special joy to my heart, and because of that I'll always love the parts of you no one else saw but, me. Unfortunately, some of those same parts are the pieces that hurt me. And thank you for listening to my stories and wiping my tears away with your mercy.
I wouldn't want to say that your bad took away from your good or your good is greater then your bad. All I can say is that your not the same
and neither am I. Its time to move on, because I'm tired of cry, after cry, after cry.. If my mom doesn't like you, I don't have much left to say.
She knows best when it comes to things like this and you failed the test.
You ask me why I can't be your friend anymore and all I can say is its just not the same and I don't know why. I don't know why its not the same.
All I know is, I still miss you.
I still care and although,
I'd love to hear another joke,
talk for an hour or two on the phone,
its just not possible anymore.
You're like a door
that was left wide open
and officially closed.
I feel like I'm walking on broken glass with you,
something that was once so clear and beautiful,
hurts so deeply.
I feared that you would curse me out when I told you
we couldn't be friends, yell at me, call me names.
Yes, you we're annoyed. Yes, you ended the conversation with,
"Stop being such a negro, a punk, and come visit me."
And I don't know what to say, its just not the same,
you smoke pot now & hang out with a mysterious crowd.
I miss who you used to be but, its difficult to repair such frailty,
especially when all of my friends know you. Or at least think they know you? They always looked at you and never saw what I saw,
never felt what I felt, your little glimpses of heaven and hell...
made me choke up with life and death. If they saw what I saw, its hard to believe they would agree with me for missing you, for loving you, for knowing you...I'm sure they'd be lost and confused...
wondering why I chose to walk a narrow path with an empty boy and
an empty bottle of glass memories alone.

...Jazzy.

[constantdreamer]

I admire your strenghth to leave that relationship and the strength it takes to not go back to it... You are truly amazing! :-)

[jazzy123456]

thank you soooo very much!