[Distressed2010]

Hello.

This is again a post concerning my dysfunctional family, I know I need to get away from them and I'm working on that but in the mean time I need to figure this situation out so I don't repeat this in the future elsewhere.

So, I don't use guilt trips but they've been used on me throughout childhood by various people.

One example is my mean sister, who last year had to drive me to a store which was 20 mins away and we had a small argument she told my dad she was doing me a favor by driving me there. My dad responded a firm yes.

She tries to remind me of times when she's done me small favors like drive me here or there, or bring me a rubberband for my hair, let me borrow her dress, etc.

I do things to help others but I don't start making a list of what I've done for them. Infact, when I'm laid on a guilt trip my brain freezes, I even forget that I have ALSO done things for others, but isn't that a form of human relationships anyways? you're supposed to do things for each other, because at the end of the day we are all interdependent. so, you spread the love around!

Anyway, I haven't done her any small favors (or maybe i have and am not remembering them), but I did do her a huge one 10 years back. I was living in US and she was visiting my other sister who lived 10 hours drive away. My sister was pregnant and had to deliver her baby and she asked our eldest sister to take her to the doc for checkups etc but my eldest sister blatantly refused to help her, saying she was busy with work.

To help my sister with this, my parents asked me to drive across cities, 10 hours one way to the town my sister lived in. There, for 2 weeks, DAILY, I drove her all the way to the city (almost an hour one way) and SAT with her during her appointments, patiently waited for her to make sure everything was fine and her checkups were done etc... Basically Thats all I did for those 2 weeks.

now, when i say that i've also done things such as this one (which i feel is major because if i weren't there, she'd be spending 200 bucks daily on taxis to all these places for 2 weeks, thats' amost 2000 dollars).. I hate the fact taht I'm even having to calculate this crap.

I had absolutely forgotten about this till she started laying more and more guilt trips on me. When I said that i did this for her, her response was "SO what? your'e gonna keep using that against me? So you own me now??
"

First, SHE started it. Secondly, I wasn't using it against her, I was trying to defend myself by saying that I have ALSO done things for her so why is she trying to make me feel bad for a stupid 20 minute car ride??

My questions to everyone are:

1. Does anyone see where I'm coming from here? or am i being unreasonable with this?

How is it fair for her to lay a guilt trip on me but when I try to defend myself, she throws back another one on me??

2. How do i deal with guilt trippers in the future. Somehow I come across them all the time.. maybe they smell me or something, don't know.

3. I know i need to distance myself from my dysfunctional family but do you think I can do anything with this? I can't cut them off completely but if in the future this happens again with them, what should i do?

Thankyou so much to everyone who responds in advance! writing my life on here and getting feedback truly helps!

[Can't Stop Crying]

I wish I had some good advice for you, coping with a dysfunctional family is confusing. I guess the best thing would be to set up clear boundaries and stick to them and when the guilt trips start, try to remove yourself from the situation. Good Luck on moving away from them - I think, ultimately, that would be in your best interest

Hang in there!

[madisgram]

distressedi have the same type of family. their behaviors won't change, imho. but you can change you and never allow a relationship like this that you have with your family by using therapy as a tool. in my case i keep a healthy distance from my family. i don't have to explain myself to them. they wouldn't acknowledge it anyway. i am their scapegoat no matter how kind i've been to them. your post could have been mine before i got into therapy and we worked out the problem..like my guilty feelings when i wasn't really guilty but for loving ppl that don't have the capacity to love who i truly am. i made a "new" family by surrounding myself with wonderful friends who love me in spite of any faults i may have. it's called unconditional love. you can do the same in your life. you sound like a person who has a good heart. find ppl who see this wonderful trait you possess outside of your disfunctional family.

[Perna]

Distressed, others can try to lay on the guilt but you don't have to trip over it :-) What other people do is for their own sake! Your sister is not you; if she wants to list all the things she has done for you to make herself feel better, more power to her but that has no relationship to you! She is trying to make herself feel better (so must feel bad in the first place) and maybe how she does it works for her but it doesn't have to have any influence on how you feel about what you do/do not do. Next time she reminds you of something she has done for you, thank her That will throw her off because it's not like she can demand that you do things for her in return or get you to acknowledge that she is somehow superior to you, etc.

Give to other people as a true "gift" not with the expectation that they will give you something in return. When one is given a gift, it becomes one's property and they can do whatever they want with it (including throw it out). If you have been helped by what your sister has done by you, "thank you" is the only response necessary. There is no guilt to accepting what someone else gives you.

[Sannah]

I wouldn't even respond to any of this Distressed. What a waste of time and emotional energy. If she starts something don't get pulled into it.

[Distressed2010]

Originally Posted by Perna

Distressed, others can try to lay on the guilt but you don't have to trip over it :-) What other people do is for their own sake! Your sister is not you; if she wants to list all the things she has done for you to make herself feel better, more power to her but that has no relationship to you! She is trying to make herself feel better (so must feel bad in the first place) and maybe how she does it works for her but it doesn't have to have any influence on how you feel about what you do/do not do. Next time she reminds you of something she has done for you, thank her That will throw her off because it's not like she can demand that you do things for her in return or get you to acknowledge that she is somehow superior to you, etc.

Give to other people as a true "gift" not with the expectation that they will give you something in return. When one is given a gift, it becomes one's property and they can do whatever they want with it (including throw it out). If you have been helped by what your sister has done by you, "thank you" is the only response necessary. There is no guilt to accepting what someone else gives you.

Thanks Perna! I appreciate your response, it makes lots of sense to me. Theres a minor issue with that. I've tried saying thanks for that, but the moment i say yes, thankyou for that... my mother, father, the entire family turns to me and says "SEE! so you agree she does do so much for you sam, then why're you behaving this way? look how much she does for you, she got you diamond earrings, diamond, who does that? isn't that sweet?".

Then, what do i do?

[Distressed2010]

Originally Posted by Perna

Distressed, others can try to lay on the guilt but you don't have to trip over it :-) What other people do is for their own sake! Your sister is not you; if she wants to list all the things she has done for you to make herself feel better, more power to her but that has no relationship to you! She is trying to make herself feel better (so must feel bad in the first place) and maybe how she does it works for her but it doesn't have to have any influence on how you feel about what you do/do not do. Next time she reminds you of something she has done for you, thank her That will throw her off because it's not like she can demand that you do things for her in return or get you to acknowledge that she is somehow superior to you, etc.

Give to other people as a true "gift" not with the expectation that they will give you something in return. When one is given a gift, it becomes one's property and they can do whatever they want with it (including throw it out). If you have been helped by what your sister has done by you, "thank you" is the only response necessary. There is no guilt to accepting what someone else gives you.

And i absolutely agree with giving the other people as true as "gift", infact that is probably the reason why I forget that I have done things for others as well. But then I believe that is human nature, we should do things for others and help others. Fine, i dont give flashy gifts and diamonds or whatever there is thats super glitzy, but I know when I care about someone and they're in trouble, I'll leave everything and go to them, be there for them, make sure they're okay.. etc. Maybe others just have different ways of caring, not sure, but I definitely need and demand respect and "true" caring, in the sense that if you gift me diamonds but yet not back it up with good behavior, the diamonds are truly worthless to me.