hate to remember it

i dont really find this easy and what i am going to write i have never told anyone before because i was/am too scared to but i saw him today and it made me feel really sick. it has been at least 12 years since i have seen him till today and i couldnt look at him and tryed to avoid him and i think he knew i was but what he did to me when i was 5 or 6 is something im ashamed of and wish it never happend, he is my cousin (one of my aunties sons) and at the time he was in his 20s i think and i didn't like it and tryed to walk away but i was little and didn't dare say anything to anyone because every one hated me and i didn't know why. every time i was forced to go to my aunties he would always be there and every time he would put his hand down my pants and knicker and made me sit on his knee and messed around im crying just trying to write this, i always wanted to get away from him but he always pulled me back i hated it and i didnt want to go to my aunties anymore because of him. should i tell someone about it?

i am sorry notspecial.

you are NOT notspecial, you ARE special.

who could you talk in confidence to, about this? a counsellor or therapist or ? im not sure of your current circumstances (age, living on own, in college etc.)

take care, look after you.

im at college now and im 18 and i will be 19 next month near the end i still live at home but my college is going to try and help me get out because of my mum. thank you but i have always felt like im notspecial or no1special, everyone else is more important thats what i think. i dont know who i can talk to in confidence, i stopped seeing my counsellor and the online one i had has been taken away for good. so i dont know what to do or who to talk to. thank you MoAnamCara

I know how you feel.

thank you for the hug i really needed it and its good to know im not alone because i have always felt alone then i found this website and thought it sounded really good and joined

what about a college counselor? i think it would be good to talk if you can or could.

and you can talk here too, of course.

take care of yourself.

i have tryed the college counsellor but i stopped going and ended it but i have been thinking of contacting her again but i haven't have the confidence to yet. thank you

i know its hard to reach out for help.

when you saw her before, did you get on with her okay? if so, then def just reach out, I know it takes courage. just call her before you have a chance to talk yourself out of it....

im not sure i kinnda felt cold when i was in the room with her and i didnt feel comfertable talking to her but i think it was because i was already talking to a counsellor online and i found her really good and i loved talking about things with her but then the government took it away and she doesnt work for the site anymore because of the governments taking away the funding for it so they had to let some of their counsellors go so i was upset when i was told we had to end and i didnt get chance to talk about my cousin to her because i started talking to her about when i was attacked by a man and i was struggling to cope with it and she was helping me so i really didnt like working with the college counsellor because i had the online one so i think thats why i kept telling myself to end it with the college one but not sure it was a good idea now and my tutors have picked up on how i am at college these days. thank you

Are there any other counselors than the one you talked to previously, as another option? Or could she refer you to someone?

I'm sorry you lost the online one you liked... Keep trying to look. Its bothering you and would be good to work through if you think you are ready.

I would really suggest trying that therapist again.

i dont think there is, i think shes the only one at my college, im not sure if she can or not. i never asked her. its ok im getting over loosing her even though she was really good and i really didnt mind talking to her, i found it really easy to talk to her the online one, she was ace. i will keep trying thank you so much

thank you sannah i will give her another chance i think

NS, you've been wonderfully brave here and shared your trauma. I hope you can give yourself a big hug and a deep affirmation, ( a deep breath can help) for what it took to get that out.

Like I've said here before, know that you aren't alone.

I hope you can find support with someone who can guide you forward.

thank you FFABD, im not sure if i can and i was really struggling with it and i tryed to foget it but once i saw him again, my heart just stopped and i got scared. thank you for the support and advise.